Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead!

Into The Wild

2012-01-25T20:43:00.001Z

Signor DogBot is hard at work, sleeping on the sofa, fighting with his ball and barking at passers by.
All I want to know is, what do dogs do for a break? They can't sleep, that's their job!

And another one. I'm on a roll. A bacon roll.

2012-01-25T00:23:00.004Z

I'm going to get my hair cut on Thursday. I've had more or less the same hairstyle for the best part of a decade.

Hayley calls it "the chicken".

I call it "the awesome man".

I asked my new hair dresser what's cool at the moment and she said "choppy".

As tempted as I am to let her go for it, all I can think of when I hear the word "choppy" is this guy:

What happened to winters wistfully wishing for snow?

2012-01-24T23:31:00.000Z

This is a list of things I have encountered in the last few days:

A tube of Chapstick that was almost completely used
No less than three (3!) biros that were almost out of ink
An empty spindle that once held 50 blank CDs, now all used

That's a small collection of objects that almost never gets used to the end of it's life. All of them get lost and subsequently replaced well before they "run out" or are "used up".

Why is it commonplace to hear "Where's my pen?", or even sometimes "This pen has dried up and stopped working" but never, ever do you hear "This pen is out of ink". Ever.

If you don't find this interesting, you are not a good person.

No snow this year...

2012-01-06T23:33:00.000Z

Nothing is ever better or worse than anything else. Ever.

Everything is just different, that's all.

New years resolutions for 2012

2012-01-02T23:47:00.000Z

New year, new targets. Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

But, before setting resolutions for 2012, I need to look back at how I did in 2011.

2011

Last year I set myself three resolutions.

The first was "Pay off my debts". This was technically a failure, as I still have debt, but I did manage to pay off some pretty huge chunks of it in 2011. The £1300 Natwest credit card is now fully paid off, as well as over £1600 paid off towards my car, and quite a few hundred quid spread across some HP debts from a few years ago. In fact I haven't missed a single payment on anything all year. So yea, I'm marking this one as done (as much as could be expected realistically).

Number 2 took was "Quit smoking". It took me until most of the way through the year, but then I did it. No excuses necessary on this one, I just did it, I completely quit smoking. Ok so I will admit, I wasn't exactly a big smoker before, so maybe setting this as a new years resolution was cheating. Still counts though!

Number 3 was "Get in shape", which also went quite well. I did a lot of working out at the start of 2011, then I had a bit of a break from it when work took my main focus, but then I jumped back on the waggon around September and I've been hitting the gym hard ever since. Armed with an endomorphic body type and a kitchen full of protein shakes, I gained a lot of muscle in quite a short space of time. Done. Sorta.

2012

More financial stability
As I get older I feel more and more like I need to be monetarily independent, and not rely on anybody for anything financially. This means, first and foremost, that I will continue my mission to get completely out of debt. If I can repeat last years rate of progress (I paid off a grand total of £3,200 of debt over the year) then by the end of this year I will owe only a few hundred pounds, and that will all be on a low-interest overdraft.

But this goal means much more than just debts. This year I'm setting my targets higher and I want to be able to provide money for myself completely, not even relying on an employer for a wage. I want to go self employed.

I won't post any details on here, but I'm currently toying with a few ideas on how I will do this. Nothing is set in stone yet, but I'm determined to achieve this in 2012 one way or another.

Cycle to Skegness (and back) for charity
At the back end of last year a few of us at the gym decided to set ourselves a challenge for a long bike ride. We decided on Skegness because the 80 mile route seemed like a distance to challenge us just the right amount. We roped in a few more people who were up for it, and set a date at the back end of March (weather permitting).

The initial idea was not to do it for charity, but just to do it for the challenge, but I'm going to attempt to raise some money for a good cause along the way.

Everyone else involved is currently planning to cycle there on the Saturday, stay overnight in a hotel, and come back on the train the next day. I, being a sucker for punishment, have decided to cycle back the next day as well. I'll see if I can convince anyone else that they are mad enough to join me.

Get (even more) in shape
I know I considered this as done last year, but fitness isn't something you can just do once and have done with it. It's a progressive thing; something you're always working to improve (or at least maintain).

My new goal in 2012 is to cut down my body fat massively from my current 28% to as close to 10% as I can get, while still building more muscle than I currently have. Given the progress I've made already, I don't see why this shouldn't be possible if I set my mind to it. Training for my bike ride should also help with this a lot.

And that's my lot.

Boom boom boom, let me hear you say HOSEPIPE BAN.

End of August

2011-08-28T20:21:00.001+01:00

Been quite a while since I wrote a blog on here. I'll keep it short and sweet.

Here are a few of the things I've been up to since I last posted:

Buying new cars
Going on holiday (Prague in February, Turkey in May)
Battling space zombies
Working - a lot
Remodeling my back garden
Running around on powerbock tilts (and falling over on them a lot too)

The space zombies were the best part; I kicked their asses!

And now for the things I will be doing in the near future:

Working - even more
Battling Magneto's mutants
Remodeling my front garden
Redecorating the bedroom

All of that to come, but for now I'll just sit tight and watch The Da Vinci Code on channel five, even though its crap.

To The Weekend That Was

2011-01-31T18:27:00.000Z

Since my last blog I've fallen foul to a series of unfortunate events. Most of these were fairly inconsequential but one was not: I had a nasty car accident and wrote off my shiny new car. Bugger!

Fortunately both me and Hayley left the accident unscathed, albeit Hayley is currently suffering with a bad back because of it. I guess it could've been a lot worse, but still I was absolutely gutted to wreck my car that I'd only had for 5 months.

Nonetheless life goes on which is why I spent the last few weeks since the accident looking at new cars, and finally chose one yesterday, which I will be picking up on Friday.

This brings me to an update on progress towards the 1 of the 3 goals I previously set myself: Pay off my debts.

Because I got such a good deal when I bought the Corsa back in July, 5 months and 5000 miles after buying it, it was still worth only £300 less than I paid for it (and considerably more than I still owe on the loan). I used this as a chance to buy a car on a lower budget, meaning that I've got a chunk of cash leftover from my insurance after I pay for the new car.

This remaining cash will be used to pay off my Natwest Credit Card that's been haunting my credit report for a few years, and will pay off the vast majority of my Capital One credit card as well.

Also in the next fortnight I will be selling my old Ford Escort for the scrap metal value, which will give me enough cash to fully pay off the last of an old HP that's been around for donkeys years.

After this I have a long term plan going forward to pay of the last of my Capital One card and my remaining HP within 6 months, so that I can start making double payments on my car loan and get that paid off way ahead of the scheduled 3 years.

While I'm at it I can also update on progress of my other 2 goals.

Quit Smoking: Done! As of today I haven't smoked, not even a drag, for a full month. Easy.

Get in shape: I've been hitting the gym pretty much every day since Christmas. And by 'the gym' what I mean is the spare bedroom, where I've set up a small home gym. It's much easier to get motivated to work out when you only have to walk upstairs instead of having to drive across town.

That's all for now kids. I've got places to go, people to see.

New Years Resolutions for 2011

2011-01-02T22:21:00.004Z

I don't normally do this, mainly because I don't think you should wait until a set date before trying to figure out how to improve your life. Rather, it should be something you're doing every day. But nonetheless here goes my New Years Resolutions for 2011.

Pay off my debts
This means my £1200 Natwest credit card, my £400 Capital One credit card, and a handful of HPs that I'm paying off very gradually. And of course my £1300 overdraft. This will require learning to control my spending very strictly.

Quit smoking
It's not like I smoke a lot anyway, and for the last few weeks I've been cutting down and smoking less and less, which should help. Cutting down from 40 a day would be difficult, but stopping from 10 a week should be easy peasy.

Get in shape
Santa brought me some home gym equipment for Christmas and I am determined for 2011 to be the year I finally get in shape.

A change is gonna come

2010-12-01T09:30:00.012Z

Well here I am writing a blog for the first time in months. Last time I did this was before my birthday back in May, when I was suddenly rather taken by the idea of buying posh spoons.

Well. I'm sorry to keep you all waiting on tenterhooks since then, holding your breath for an update, but you'll all be glad to find out at last that the posh spoons are still in very good condition and have lasted longer than all the cheap ones we bought before. Hurrah!

Meanwhile, as several months have passed by, things have changed. First of all we moved house back in June. Or July. Or something.

The move was fairly painless thanks to the Mansfield removals company we used. Plus, having moved house far more often than I'm happy about, I'm now pretty good at moving house!

Here's Hayley enjoying our new house the night we got the keys and started moving things in. It doesn't look like that any more though, it has more furniture in it now. Duh. It's much bigger and nicer than our last house, it's in a better location, and best of all the landlord and house owner are kanine-friendly so DogBot isn't going to be getting us in any more trouble.

Secondly I got myself a new car which has changed my life quite a bit. The old Escort had an extremely reliable engine but other than that it was starting to fall apart and the maintenance bills were getting higher and higher, not to mention the shitty MPG costing me a fortune in fuel, so it had to go.
After securing the finance for it I shopped around for about 3 years, viewed about a thousand cars, and test drive what seemed like several hundred different models before eventually buying my new baby, Marina the Corsa.

While a Corsa is pretty hard to get excited about, the choice was made a no-brainer thanks to competetive pricing, high MPG, low insurance, virtually no road tax and Vauxhall's reliable build. It was a really nice drive too which was really the clincher.

Since I last posted we've also been on holiday! We booked a 3 days break in Krakow, Poland, for no reason other than we walked past the travel agents and the poster in the window was advertising a really cheap offer. The time between booking it and going flew by and before you know it there we were in Krakow soaking up the atmosphere, and of course, the beer!

We made sure to visit nearby Auschwitz because I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. But other than that rather morose trip it was a really gun holiday where we made lots of friends, had some wacky adventures, got some stories to tell, and drank a lot of beer (did I mention that already?).

And that pit-stop tour of the last few months brings us all up to date to now: a very snowy December 1st. Christmas is right around the corner but if you look out of the Window you'll believe it's here already. Here in Mansfield we've had tons and tons of it fall in the last 48 hours, the conditions are completely bonkers. Everybody is snowed in, pretty much nobody has gone to work anywhere. But, having a job I can do from a PC anywhere, I have to sit here at my desk and work from home. Boo!

That's all for now kids. Ta-ta.

Oh and points to anyone who spotted the Sam Cooke reference

Cinco de Mayo, Iron Man 2, and Posh Spoons

2010-05-06T00:24:00.004+01:00

Over the last month or so I've turned into a right calorie counting, fat-weighing fag. My eating habits have improved so much, but at the risk of me being killed by the next person who hears me moan about how much salt is in my BLT.

I haven't been drinking much recently either. Alcohol is empty calories, you see. Swinkle knows these things. Tonight however, is different. Tonight I'm up late playing DJ Hero and sinking a few beers to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo, for those not in the know, is a Mexican national holiday, which is based on an unlikely victory of the Mexican army in some century too long ago to matter. But for the rest of us it's just a fairly obscure excuse to drink and party with anyone else who may know what it means. It's like Mexico's very own St Patrick's Day.

Tonight Hayley and I went to see Iron Man 2. It was ok, not as good as the first one. That's about as much of a review as you'll get out of me.

Then we went to Sainsburys for some stuff, and to hang out at the Nissan Micra party in the car park that we'd said we'd go to.

While there we bought posh new teaspoons. The reason for this is mainly bercause we ran out of teaspoons. But the reason we specifically bought the expensive ones is because apparently I'm old now. You see, there's a certain stage in your developing maturity, where you're no longer happy to have Sainsbury's basics, Tesco value and ASDA price in your house. So now I have posh spoons and I feel like an adult.

Now I'm going to go and moan about the weather and how it was always better in my day, and to bore the young'uns with stories about how, when I was a lad, I used to have to walk 15 miles to work at the pit, carrying a donkey on my back.

Still April

2010-04-20T00:52:00.002+01:00

What's this, two posts in the same month? I must have been snorting pro plus in the moonlight! Or something that makes sense.

Tomorrow I'm going on a business meeting with the Big Boss and our Head of Sales to meet our newest suppliers. What's unusual about this meeting above others is that rather than driving there, we'll be flying the distance in a 4 seater Cessna biplane.

Although it does seem a bit over the top for a visit to Suffolk, I must say I'm quite looking forward to the flight. I'll be able to look down from the skies and spy on all my loyal minions (and perhaps more importantly, my not so loyal ones).

Meanwhile I should probably be in bed, but I'm not. That's mostly because I'm playing Forza.

OK, I admit it, I just lied. I'm not playing Forza, I'm writing a blog post. but I was playing and now I'm going to play some more.

Seeya tomorrow kids (look up)

Where do the weekends go?

2010-04-11T20:54:00.003+01:00

Here I am on another Sunday evening wondering what happened to my weekend and why there's suddenly none of it left. They say time flies when you're having fun; maybe that's why it seems to be Monday morning as soon as you get used to it being Friday afternoon.

Anyway. It's been a good weekend at least.

Friday was a chance to see Cresswell's new house for the first time as he was hosting a fire party. It was a reasonably quiet night except for some idiot deciding to jump over the fire a few times, thinking he was dead clever. I got to drive down in a lovely car which isn't mine, and probably never will be ?

On Saturday I went to the gym. I joined up again a couple of weeks ago when I realised I'd gained over a stone and a half in the space of 2 months. So off I went on Saturday to row a few miles, because rowing is how the cool kids work out. By the time I lose this weight I'm destined to be an Olympic rowing champion.

But then came the main event of Saturday, as 2pm rolled by and it was time for the first barbecue of 2010! Things started off slowly and at first there were only 4 of us for a while, sat there thinking "well this is crap" but before long the guests began to arrive and before you know it things were in full swing.

Fast forward a few hours, everything was going fine and food had been flying off left right and centre as the place got more and more packed. By this time the back garden was heaving and inside was full of people too. Suddenly some cheese slices mysteriously landed on my spare bedroom window and the surrounding wall. Was this a giant cheese-shitting pigeon? No, it was a bunch of cocks who thought it would be hilarious to throw it everywhere. It wasn't.

Following me kicking off and subsequent cleanup of the cheese there was also a fiasco involving Colonel Mustard which was when things got really ugly!

Somebody was asked to leave, and a few others left too, but all in all drama was dealt with quickly by my swift hand of justice. I'm like a superhero.

The partying went on into the night, and even later for some, i.e. Shaun and Sean who were still up watching basketball pornos at 11am, bless 'em!

Eventually Sunday rolled by and we awoke to be greeted by an aftermath scene like something out of Skins, and nobody to help clean up. Bugger. But no worries because we had other things on our mind – Sunday was the day we had booked to go view new houses! Awesome!

We jumped in the batmobile mazda and headed off to Pleasley to view our potential new house, which, incidentally, is a layout that was designed by none other than Tim Burton. We were let loose with the keys and allowed to view it alone, so of course we scheduled another party. Shamefully nobody turned up this time so we just had to wander around looking at walls and floors instead.

Back home we went and after a hardcore cleaning session, that was the end of my fun weekend.

Next weekend I have not nearly as much partying planned, but it should be fun nonetheless as I am expecting to finally get my Xbox back, in fully working condition, after it being broken for 4 months!

Watch out kids 'cause once I get back on Xbox live you're all in for a whoopin!

The puzzle

2010-03-14T22:19:00.001Z

The eternal debate. Is this a tomato or an orange? Answers on a postcard.

Or a comment...

February time

2010-02-06T22:10:00.004Z

As these blogs are becoming quite routinely one-per-month, it seems fitting to name them after their months. That, and I'm far too lazy to attempt a witty blog title.

It wouldn't be funny, anyway.

Today has been valentines day. I am, as most of men in the UK, one of the growing crowd of people painfully aware that it's a bullshit holiday created by the greeting card industry. Nonetheless we're stuck going along with it until we can get the ladies on board with the rebellion.

Last weekend, in comparison, I shook off the femininity of my house to go watch the Stags-Gateshead game. Watching a football game feels so manly. The testosterone flowed so strongly that I walked out with a rather long beard that wasn't there as I entered.

For the last month I have had Fridays off work, for no reason other than I had some holidays to use up. While I do enjoy my job, to varying degrees depending on which way the wind blows, the regular time to myself has given me the perfect chance to brush up on my nunchaku, which has recently proven extremely useful. Not to go into too much detail on here - as it's public - but suffice to say when an intruder broke in the other night we didn't need Dogbot to defend the place.

Alas I have no more Fridays off so the black belt will just have to wait. Also, I'm going to be a bit preoccupied for a while, as I've got to find some time to create a website about stuffing bears....

Of new years and new starts, and as many other cliches as I can squeeze into a blog post

2010-01-02T01:37:00.003Z

Here I am once again starting a blog with the thought "I should do this more often". I seem to have averaged out about a blog a month over the latter half of 2009 and I would love to say that blogging more is going to be one of my new years resolutions.

I would love to say it, but I can't. Because it won't.

Truth be told, I'm don't have any new years resolutions, and that's not completely because I'm not a tool, it's also because... well, ok, it's just because I'm not a tool.

As for 2009 in hindsight, it was very much a year of two halves. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness... Wait - what the Dickens am I on about?

At the top end of 2009 I was still banned from driving, I was jobless and skint, miserably single, and still living with my parents, one of whom was seriously ill and didn't have long left to live. Obviously this was all a bit shit to be honest, so the year didn't start so well and it took a big turn for the worse when Mum died in February and I hit rock bottom.

But don't worry cause this blog post isn't all doom and gloom. Y'see, after that things started to look up. I mean, sure, my Mum had just died and I was feeling pretty shit about that but the show must go on, so I started to patch my life back together.

Now, fast forward 12 months and things have changed. I got my driving licence back ages ago now, and I have a job - and a good one at that, one I'm very happy in, and I have my own house, where I live with my wonderful girlfriend Hayley (and the DogBot) and things are looking pretty good right now, to be honest. Oh, and I now rock at solving a Rubik's cube.

Nonetheless I'm not satisfied with things yet. Sure, I've got it pretty neato at the moment, but things can always be better and that's what I'm going to make sure happens in 2010.

Targets for 2010 (note: I said targets, not resolutions):

Hayley and I are looking to stop wasting money on renting this house, and buy somewhere instead. And we're hoping to get a newbuild which would be awesome.
I'm looking forward to getting a new car in the fairly-near future. My old Escort Estate is on its last legs so I'm really ready for an upgrade. I've been looking at new cars as recently as yesterday and I've aranged to go view/test drive one next week so watch this space!
Get my 1-years no claims bonus on my car insurance so I don't have to keep paying ridiculous amounts of money for insurance.
To again attempt what I miserably failed at last year, training for and running the Mansfield Half Marathon in June

But I'm in no rush for any of that stuff to happen and I'm happy to leave it for now, 'cause I got a bed to get to...

Night kids.

La gra go deo. Or something.

Friday 13th

2009-11-13T09:52:00.005Z

Today I have realised that you don't have to believe in something for it to affect you. Just as nutjobs who don't believe in evolution did, nontheless, evolve from primates, whether they like it or not; Likewise, I have been smited by the wrath of Friday 13th today, regardless of not beliving in superstitions.

I shall, however, be looking to improve the day's events from here on in, starting with high levels of productivity at work, leading to a clear run on the drive home, culminating happily in a Crown Street bash.

So wish me luck, my friends, as I head into the unknown void that is the remainder of Friday the 13th. I take with me a sword of silver and a vial of the holiest water available (Volvic), with my valiant steed I ride (my Ford Escort Estate) to fight the dark paths that lay ahead.

You know you're tired when...

2009-10-02T01:16:00.003+01:00

You know you're tired when you see the headline A Billionaire Clowns Around In Space and you get excited because you think it says "Billionaire Clowns In Space".

You know you're even more tired when you start to think to yourself "but, how would they juggle..." before you realise you've misread it, and the whole mental adventure was one big anticlimax.

Speaking of anti-climaxes, the Forza 3 demo that I've been awaiting for months, was decidedly pants. The graphics and gameplay were great, but come on, 5 cars and 1 track? LAME!

Why is it that when somebody offers the whole office a drink, and they take your mug away to make you one (alone with others), they always seem to bring you a drink back in an entirely different mug?

--

.... Well, at least they could never fall off the tightrope...

Of new beginnings and time between

2009-09-24T23:55:00.003+01:00

My life has taken a move rather toward the better recently. I now no longer work at a major Anti-Virus company and as of Monday I start my new job as Operations Manager for a high-growth online retailer. My excitement dwindled, however, when I learnt that "Operations Manager" does not mean "surgeon". Rats!

Meanwhile I have no work to go to tomorrow and will enjoy a day off. Unfortunately, due to me not being a homeless bum all my friends will be at work so I'll have nobody to play with. If you have no plans tomorrow and would like to offer to be my play friend, please apply within!

To celebrate not having to be up early tomorrow Stuart and I and myself and Stuart have been out for a random drive. From the Wuthering Heights of Newark to the Sunny Side of Ripley, on to the Delightful Dales of Derbyshire, we've had adventures including, but of course not limited to, visiting the home of Amber FM, running over rabbits, racing Clios past fatal RTAs, getting pulled over by the pigs, and driving up the biggest and longest hill in the UNIVERSE.

Now I'm signing off, as downstairs I have pumpkin bread (courtesy of Stuart), chocolate cake (courtesy of Rhiannon), and mince pies (courtesy of Tesco), all waiting to be munched upon.

Right, where was I?

2009-08-04T00:35:00.002+01:00

January. It was January 2nd when I got my driving licence back, after 9 long, hard months spent on foot or behind the handlebars of a GT Aggressor, while serving a driving ban.

That's right kids, I fought the law and the law won.

So I learnt my lesson. Or did I?

June. It was June 13th that I lost my temper for the first time in a few years and ended up committing the assault that, inevitably, led to a 100-hour community service order.

So come see me, Sunday morning at a public park near you. I'll be the guy wearing a yellow carnation, a top hat, and a "community payback" hi-viz. Be there or be square!

Anyway, aside from my underground criminal activities by night, as you all know I'm a mild mannered office worker by day. Inbetween the two I come home to Hayley and Dogbot, usually to find one of them making a mess in the kitchen and the other one licking their own body parts, and, to be honest, which one is which varies every day.

I should probably be upstairs in bed, to be honest I only came downstairs to check out a noise in my pajamas. What a stray noise was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know!

In a few weeks when I've got through this month of mega bills, I am going to begin living the dream. My life will never be quite the same again, after it undergoes the transformation. That's right, no longer will I be David Swinstead, Loser.... from then onwards I will become, David swinstead... Guy With A Bar In His Cellar!

That's a really bad name for a superhero.

Moi!

2009-06-12T20:56:00.000+01:00

Of lazy weekends, only part through necessity

2009-06-05T23:39:00.000+01:00

While my first half of 2009 was distinctly sub par, it has definitely started picking up in time for the mid point.

Things that have changed since the beginning of the year: I can drive again. I have a job. I am no longer in huge amounts of debt (barely any at all in fact, as of today). I have a great girlfriend.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Of all things

2009-05-26T01:11:00.000+01:00

A week ago I started my new job. It's in Newark which means a bit of a trek every day but at least I get to spend 45 minutes in a morning going over my top 25 favourite x-men. In the evenings as I drive home I like to ponder how I would escape from the jaws of a blood-crazed shark... Which is really a waste of time because OBVIOUSLY I would just use my ninja karate judo madskills.

While getting up early in the mornings is going to take some getting used to, it is certainly a refreshing change to once again have a reason to wear trousers at some point during each day. I will, however, miss the ability to put in some hardcore xbox hours with no more pressing obligations.

In other news, Dogbot and I had fun at the park today.

The most fun you can eat for 45p

2009-04-29T16:27:00.002+01:00

Most recently I have spent my days:

Being mauled in my sleep by an over-friendly labrador and a hyper staffy.
Putting in some hours in the vain hope of finally seeing an Xbox game through to completion.
Avoiding college work, in an attempt to continue my life long habit as a filthy dropout.
Hunting around ASDA for cheap bread produce, failing, and instead attempting to get the best possible use out of 45p.

For the record, the best use of 45p in ASDA is two tins of 17p soup and a 10p bag of Haribo Fangtastics, and you get 1p change!

Trebuchet

2009-04-07T18:55:00.000+01:00

We finished it! It fires well over ten times it's own length which is pretty cool. Next project is to make one WAY bigger, like 5 or 6 feet tall :D

Dammit

2009-04-04T23:51:00.000+01:00

Why is nobody ever around to see it when the really cool stuff happens to me? I have to tell people and it's just not the same!

Get sweded

2009-03-31T11:12:00.000+01:00

Ida Maria, it turns out, is really pretty strange looking. But it's ok, we'll her off, because she has 2 first names.

Today I am currently sheeping my way down the motorway, being unique, same as everybody else.

Why is rising damp treatment made to look like a remarkably futuristic phallus? In 30 years girls will be buying this stuff from Anne Summers and trying to figure out where to put the batteries.

Green Fingers

2009-03-25T17:28:00.002Z

I bought some seeds for cabbage, broccoli, carrots, lettuce and tomatoes. Then I raked and sieved soil into seed trays. Then I added miracle gro and water.

Fast-forward 3 months and I will have stacks of free food. Awesomes.

In other news, I went into college today and spoke with my course co-ordinator V. That's not me using a codeword to hide her identity or anything, she really goes by the name V. So anyway it turns out I can still be at college despite not having turned up since before Christmas and having missed a few deadlines, which is great so now I have to get my arse into gear and catch up with some work.

In other other news, tonight I shall be spending some time in the company of Jack Bauer. I missed you Jack, sorry I've been away from you for so long.

Kit Kats rock.

Somtimes you have to make it happen yourself

2009-02-23T03:19:00.003Z

A man is at home one day when he hears on the radio a warning of torrential rain, which will cause horrendous floods like never seen before. The town is evacuated but when they come to escort him away the man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods".

The next day the water is 3 feet deep all across town and a neighbour comes to the man's house in a boat and says "Hey Buddy, come with me in my boat and be safe."

The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the neighbour shrugs and sails on by.

The next day the flood water is 5 feet deep and the man is almost drowning, when a rescue helicopter flies overhead and a voice shouts down to him "Sir, let us throw down a ladder for you, come with us and be safe"

The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the helicopter pilot shrugs and they fly away.

The next day when the man has drowned and is in heaven he says to God "Lord, did I not love you enough? Did I not lead my life well enough for you? Why didn't you save me?"

The Lord shakes his head at the man and says "I sent you a warning message, a boat and a helicopter, what exactly were you waiting for my child?"

--

Sometimes you have to make it happen yourself.

Think you'll find it's spelled 'Zarah'

2009-02-20T13:34:00.004Z

My dad, doing a crossword: what's a name for a Tsar's wife?
Me: Tsarah?

Ok, even smart people say stupid things sometimes...

Watching BBC3...

2009-02-20T03:32:00.001Z

A program called "Vodka, Homework and Me" (sic). Thinking that somebody, somewhere, sits in a dark room actually being paid to think up this shit.

So much for getting some sleep tonight.

How Dickens got me more than I'd bargained for.

2009-02-19T11:37:00.003Z

I haven't been sleeping at all recently - I'm currently operating on about 7 hours sleeping over the past 4 nights put together. That isn't really part of the story but it explains how it started, with me being on Facebook at 7:00am for no good reason.

I was reading this note (which you may not be able to see depending on your network, I think) about the BBC's list of the nation's favourite 100 books. They predict that most people will only have read 6 of them. Well of course, I'm not most people; nay, I'm a superintellectual who does nothing but read posh leather-bound books all day, so of course I'd read more than 6 of them. I'd read 7 of them :)

I decided that this simply would not do, which explains how I found myself sat at the back of Mansfield Public Library at 8:00am getting stuck into a copy of David Copperfield, just quietly minding my own business as you do, when a woman approached me declaring herself to be a local councillor who was there to talk with people about the plans for the Library.

I agreed to talk to them but then she said what she really wanted was for a library user (that being me) to take part in a photoshoot with a photographer from the Chad (and also another photographer who I assume was from the council). Next thing I know I'm shaking hands and fake-smiling my way through what seemed like an endless stream of photos with various local councillors, library staff members, and an arbitrarily placed small child.

After signing away all rights to my image being used, along with a million-pound picture deal, I do believe I just became the face of promotional material for the new library.

My life is weird!

Micro-Gallery v0.1

2009-02-11T23:48:00.008Z

A couple of days ago I got asked by an employment agency about whether I had any online portfolio work they could see. Well, there are a couple of sites I've been working on recently, but everything decent I've made in the past is now offline for one reason or another: So I decided I need to knock up something new to show off what I can do.

The result: Micro Gallery v0.1! A PHP dynamic picture gallery script.

The idea was that I wanted to create a gallery script that, unlike the much more mature applications available online, was entirely self-contained within one PHP file. The result is a gallery.php that can be dropped into any images folder and will do everything itself with no need for installation or configuration whatsoever - and importantly, no need for any database! Even the background image is generated on-the-fly by a little GD script!

Aesthetically it's not much to look at, but this was more of an exercise in PHP and AJAX than in design work.

Most folks reading this will be entirely unimpressed by that, but perhaps a few of the geeks among you will think it's pretty cool.

25 things about me

2009-02-11T12:03:00.002Z

Do you want to know 25 facts about me?

No, didn't think so.

I don't want to know them about you either, what makes you think I do? Shoo!

Facebook is NOT real life.

2009-02-09T23:52:00.003Z

At the weekend I was out and about. As usual many people had cameras and one nameless person in particular was taking picture of people in the usual state of inebriated disarray, when I said "let me take a picture of you, you're not in any!".

"No I've just taken my 60th," they said, "can't put any more on facebook, no point taking more."

Is this just one freak weirdo or is this a new idea that's going around, that taking more than 60 photos on a night out is pointless because only 60 can go per album? If this is a trend then I may kill myself.

Shoe money tonight!

2009-02-08T11:12:00.002Z

At poker last night I was promised a small buy-in fee but in the end everybody decided not to play for real money - BOO!

I'm training to run the Mansfield Half Marathon this year. I must be a sucker for punishment.

One eyed Scottish idiot...

2009-02-06T12:03:00.002Z

Guess who's in the news today for causing controversy, by referring to Gordon Brown (texture like sun) as a "one-eyed Scottish idiot who lied about the economy".

Yep, you've guessed it. I love you Jeremy Clarkson, you are a legend.

Awesome snow

2009-02-05T15:18:00.001Z

I've never in England seen as much snow as we have at the moment. I've been out playing in it all day and I'm going out again later :)

Good call, girl

2009-02-04T23:37:00.004Z

I went downstairs to let Bonnie and Jimbo out before bed. I opened the door and they both ran up, as usual, and Jimbo ran out.

Meanwhile Bonnie sat down inside the doorway and just looked up at me as if to say "What? Have you SEEN it out there?? Fuck that!"

Can't fault it. Ain't no way I'm doing my business out there either, girl.

Nails

2009-02-03T00:40:00.000Z

Whenever you do anything in life, you have to consider how well you did it. Well, I do anyway, because I think too much, particularly about how I'm nicely turning into something that closely resembles normal.

Actually, thinking that probably means I'm not at all.

Whatever.

Well that conversation I just had with the texts and the messages and the BEEP BEEP and the buzzing every 20 seconds... well that thing... I nailed it :)

Well, up to the point about being blunt I did anyway, but up to then, with the not being snappy and with the reading the script, that was good I think :)

I really fucking hate The Cure

2009-02-02T11:56:00.001Z

That will be all.

Driving in winter is awesome

2009-02-01T19:47:00.000Z

Ok so it's snowing at the moment, same as it is more or less throughout the country, so driving at the moment is pretty hazardous but still, overall, driving in winter is awesome.

Y'see, when I got my license back a month ago somebody said to me "It's a bad time to be driving, in winter". Is it? Clearly this person has not for years had the experience of WALKING 10 miles to work in winter. If you think you're cold while you de-ice your windscreen in the morning, how do you think you'd feel if you were that cold for the whole journey, and it took 5 times longer? Driving in winter is the best thing ever. I particularly like it when I drive past a pedestrian I know and don't particularly like, then I turn up the heater and go into smug mode.

Funny thing is when I lost my license somebody also said to be "Shame you won't be driving through summer." Conversely - I can think of no better time to be outdoors and not stuck in a car than in summer.

I like the word meander

2009-01-21T04:11:00.000Z

So it's been a while since my relatively regular writings on here became, suddenly, sporadic. I guess I should explain why but we all know i'm not going to because most of the 2 (if i'm lucky) people reading this will care even less than I do.

One thing I have learnt recently is that we live in a crazy world. In the last week, over 5000 people in the uk lost their jobs at various companies all on the same day, Man City were on the cusp of signing a player in excess of £100m, and a pilot had to land a passenger jet in the Hudson river.

What most people don't know is that the Hudson isn't actually a river. Well technically it is, but it isn't by the time it reaches Manhattan, it's a tributary estuary.

Here's another thing most people don't know; the weasel, while oft times represented in historical folklore as a sneaky and perhaps even devious pest, was more anciently revered as the only animal that could slay the mythical basilisk.

I'm not at my computer i'm writing this from my phone which, combined with the fact that I just prefaced two paragraphs by declaring them to be things most people don't know... Well it's probably a strong hint that I may have made both of them up.

I've been unable to sleep tonight which is not at all unusual for me - I don't often sleep much. So in a futile attempt to cure boredom, I've just spent an hour with my computer beating me at chess. But don't worry, the next round in our tete-a-tete is kickboxing and to be honest I fancy my chances.

I got new underwear today. Well, new to me. Getting yourself some new underwear is a rite of passage for a guy: the first time I ever got my own boxers I felt like a growed up.

Sometimes I still do. But not usually.

Expensive cameras are a waste of money

2009-01-05T22:45:00.003Z

For Christmas I bought my nephew a digital camera. Well technically I didn't buy it I just chose it and paid for it, but that's a long story.

Well he's only 10 and never had a camera before so I bought him basically the cheapest that he could play around with and ultimately, in all likelihood, break.

When it arrived today I played with it so I know how to use it when he inevitably asks me to show it to him. Conclusion: I like it. I mean I really like it, it's a great camera!

It does everything most people want it to, as easily and simply as you would hope for, but also has a very good selection of advanced settings that are hidden away from usual view - but not too hidden away to find easily when you want them. It's looks good, it's small and compact, doesn't fanny around with proprietary memory cards or batteries (Sony, I hate you) and it's just generally really good. It's not a shitty unheard-of brand either by the way, it's from Kodak who I think have been in the camera business a little while now.

So if this is what you get for a camera that costs £45, what more could you really expect from the many, many, vastly more expensive cameras on the market?

So if you want consumer advice from a geek who dabbles in photography - cheaper cameras are no worse than considerably more expensive ones. If you want good pictures you have to find them and take them, you don't need an expensive camera and don't ever let any DSLR wielding slaphead tell you otherwise.

Listen up.

2009-01-04T16:19:00.001Z

I am here to preach to you about my religion. But fear not brave readers, my preaching doesn't involve a religion that requires flying a plane into a skyscraper, avoiding eating pork, or even touching small boys (but it doesn't rule it out either, don't worry).

The basic premise of my preaching is to spread the holy word of the two best things ever created by our god John Logie Baird, The West Wing and How I Met Your Mother.

I have commandments too.

The first commandment is honour thy father. Thy father is Aaron Sorkin (thy mother is Neil Patrick Harris).

The second commandment is thus; all television other than that which is preached in our religion, is shite. Thou shalt not watch lesser television.

The grace of the lord Sorkin be with all. Amen.

Words cannot fully express the irony in this

2009-01-02T01:44:00.002Z

I got my driving licence back at midnight tonight. I went out driving straight away. The roads were empty - and everything was going fine. That is, until a police car appeared and started driving behind me. Then on came the flashing blue lights and I got pulled over, and had to go and have a nice sit in the back of a police car.

They said it was because I have a light out.

They checked all my details and sure enough my licence is fine, but they have no record of my insurance. Most likely this is because it comes into force today and their systems haven’t registered it yet or something, I don’t know.

SO I have been given a producer which means I have 7 days to take my driving licence, insurance certificate and MOT pass certificate to the police station, or I’m in some very, very big trouble.

This was at 12:08.

I was less than a mile away from my house. I’d been driving for 2 minutes, if that.

This is unbelievable. I am so fucked off right now.

If it happened to someone else I'd see the funny side. But it didn't, and I don't. I'm sure everyone reading this will have a good laugh at my expense though.

Happy New Year everyone

2009-01-01T15:30:00.002Z

"Start as you mean to go on" is a phrase my mother says a lot. So why, then, do we all start every year getting blind drunk?

I will not be continuing this year in the fashion I started it.

Why Argos is a rip off

2008-12-25T21:45:00.000Z

There was just an advert on TV for the Argos end of catalogue sale. It was advertising half price on several electrical items, which at first seems great.

Thing is, prices on electricals are always coming down anyway, so when an Argos catalogue is released the prices are only reasonable very briefly, then the prices everywhere else get cheaper - but the argos catalogue stays the same - and by the end of a catalogue season their prices are way above current market value.

Cue the half price sale, which they pass off as a clearance of stock from the old catalogue, but actually all they're doing is selling stuff for what it is now worth. Then they release the new catalogue, and this is the real joke, because they sell all the same stuff, at the same prices they were on special offer at the previous week!

Rip. Off.

Directory enquiries is as dead as landlines

2008-12-23T23:46:00.000Z

Who actually rings 118 118, or any similar service? Not me!

Once upon a time the directory enquiries service was a national treasure, it was the ultimate source of information! This was back in the days when, although the UK had just as many telcos as it does now, there was one that dominated massively: BT. The main reason it was so popular was to do with BT's dominance - every BT number was registered and accessible via directory enquiries which meant pretty much every single number in the country.

Nowadays since the directory services market has been privatised, the reliability of any/all of them has dwindled vastly. Largely i think (though I am, completely admittedly, an untrained outsider) it's because BT have their own privatised service, and thus are unlikely to share their database with anyone unless they get paid a lot of money to do so! This, combined with their expense has seen huge decline in directory services, to the point where I'm really not sure that we need them anymore.

You see, technology has moved past them now that we have the Internet. For example, I am typing this post on my phone via an email that will be delivered to blogger via my home wifi. Should my home wifi fail as it has had a habit of doing recently, then it will happily fall back to my 3g connection (either way it will be automagically imported to facebook). It's been quite a few years now since Internet capable phones were produced, but there's a key difference now - the new ones are actually GOOD at going online, in a way that is worth using, much more so than their predecessors.

Combine this with the advent of Web 2.0 which, is basically a complicated way of saying "give the users what they want" and we have mobile-accessible versions of FREE websites that can do the same job as 118118, and depending on how good your phone and your 3g reception is this can be almost as fast as calling a phone number, or sometimes even faster. And let's point out again that this is FREE!

I think it's a shame really, because I think that looking in the phone book or ringing the operator for a phone number is something that I regard as being quintessentially English. But the world must move forward and just as landlines were probably once regarded as new, and people probably said it was a shame we didnt send old-fashioned letters anymore, so the world continues to move forward and now their is a new old, and an even newer new.

This post consists of my uninteresting musings, and was brought to you by the letters G, E, E and K, and the number 1337.

It's Christmas eve eve eve

2008-12-22T11:17:00.001Z

That will be all

I'm excited so shut up

2008-12-21T14:47:00.003Z

Where did this thing about not getting excited come from all of a sudden?

People keep saying "don't get too excited about Christmas yet!" this year, as if it's a common phrase. I never heard this last year, or any other year for that matter. I don't know how these things somehow appear in common usage, I don't know if a phrase gets passed around intentionally or if it just spreads because annoying people repeat it ad nauseum. But whichever is the cause, this is now apparently a turn of phrase.

The thing about these phrases that suddenly become a part of our vocabulary is that usually, there will always be people who claim they have been saying it for years and usually, you're pretty sure they've never ever said it before.

Oh and the other thing about this phrase - I hate it! Stop telling me not to get too excited: It's bloody Christmas and if I wanna regress to childhood and get hyper about it then let me!

Random playlist lyrics game

2008-12-18T15:37:00.004Z

I pinched this from Simon. Rules of the game:

1. Set your music player on shuffle.

2. Post the first line(s) from each of the first 25 songs that play for all to guess (if the first line reveals the title, skip that song or replace the title word/phrase with [title]).

3. Strike out the lyric when someone guesses both the artist and the song title correctly, and post the name of the person who guessed it.

4. Using Google or any other search engine is, of course, SHAMELESS CHEATING!

5. If you enjoy the game, post your own.
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Here is my list:

I swear I haven't fiddled this at all, this really was the first song that played
1) Do you know this girl? Her name is Ria, she sings to Iron Maiden songs all alone in her room.

2) Human Mind, Human Soul, Human Weakness, I love you, I love you, Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

3) Simply knowing you exist aint good enough for me. But asking for your telephone number seems highly innapropriate.

4) Our generation sees the world, not the same as before, we might as well just throw it all, and live like there's no tomorrow
We are the ones who are living under the gun every day, you might be gone before you know, so live like there's no tomorrow

5) [title], and give it all you've got. My today, fell in from the top. I dream of you, and all the things you say. I wonder where you are now.

6) I've never been here before didn't know where to go, never met you before. I've never been to your home, that smell's not unknown, footsteps made of stone.

7) I've been wasting my vacation. Flipping through these hundred stations. And my body's fine but my head's seen better days

This one was a cover version that played, you get points for the original artist or for guessing the version I was listening to.
8) Drfiting into my solitude, over my head. Don't you wonder sometimes 'bout [title]
Blue, blue, electric blue, that's the colour of my room, where I will live. Blue, blue.

9) Ever see a blind man cross the road trying to make the other side? Ever see a young girl growing old, trying to make herself a bride?

10) Get away from me is all she said, you're like a social disease . I'm so tired of being afraid of you, her face all twisted he see.

11) What must I have become to deserve all the shit that you gave me? The rocks look like a body in the river, now I just wish that I could sleep to keep me from thinking but the thoughts keep me up. It's been two months since you taught me not to trust.

12) Head over heels I've fit in before. Now, I don't want to do it no more. I've held it all in with blood on my face, built it up man so bad you can taste.

13) Baby baby when we first met, I never felt something so strong. You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it.

14) [unintelligible shouted intro, somethign about a motherfucker] Agony is the price that you pay in the end. [title] consumes you then calls you a friend.

15) [title] Speeding into Trumpton with a cargo of cocaine. I get high when I’m the pilot of a plane. Touching down in Camberwick and stoned out of my brain.

16) [title] in my skin. These wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real.

17) Right here, all by myself. I aint got no one else. The situation is bleeding me. Theres no relief for a person like me.

18) Despair, emptiness. See the hatred wasted on yourself. Face down taste the dust; it's getting harder everyday, just to find a reason not to end it all yourself. Suicide on the street. Everywhere around you watch it breed. It begins to bury you in self-induced rejectio.

19) Sooooo [title], [title], but everyone would do it if they can, and everything is going down the pan, and everyone is following the craze, and [title]
Now you say it's getting better but I don't really see the signs. Said it is too different, you thought it would be suicide

20) Get some pain and I feel alive - [title]
Close my eyes overdose on hell - [title]
Get run over by no direction - [title]
Breathing dead and I'm born to end - [title]

21) I believe in miracles, where ya from, [title]? I believe in miracles, since ya came along, [title]. Where did you come from baby? How did you know I needed you? How did you know I need you so badly? How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?

22) Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job, I make forty something dollars a day.
I used to be the man in my hometown until I started to [title (almost)].
It all goes back to when I dropped out at school; Having fun, I was living the life.
But now I got a problem with that little white rock - see I can put down the pipe

23) Thinking clearly never came,
As easy as it did for you,
Driving this route out of town,
I wish you were still around,
And in the dead of night I always,
wondered whether you were true,
Someone better than myself,
An offer you just cant turn down,
A morning fight,
And a wasted night,
You crept back to your room

24) Time heals all wounds they say, but the self inflicted won't just fade away. And in these shifting tides of blame why are you suprised to see your name? It's such a drag.

25) I've had nights I will never forget. I've had nights I will always regret. But I can take it on the chin and say [title].

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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'Add me on facebook'

2008-12-16T22:51:00.000Z

Next time I'm at a party and I hear somebody say 'Add me on facebook' I'm going to punch them. I don't much care who it is - unless me course it's a cute girl and I'm the one she's saying it to.

Once upon a time the internet used to be an extension of real life. People spent most of their time having real interactions with people, but when they wanted to keep in touch the rest of the time they used the internet as a tool to do that. But I'm pretty sure i missed a memo or something because it seems to have swapped over nowadays. It's as if most people see their social lives as revolving around social networking websites.

To these people, my message is this: if you're a sad loser with no life, there's no shame in admitting that like i do. But pretending the internet counts as a social life is pathetic.

'Hallelujah' is the X-Factor single and certainly Christmas no. 1

2008-12-16T17:51:00.007Z

It's such a shame that Simon cowell has chosen for the X-Factor winner, Alexandra Burke's first (and probably only) single to be a cover of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I've loved the famous jeff Buckley version for ages, it's one of my all time favourite songs.

To be honest, I've heard the X-Factor version and I can't help but admit it isn't actually bad at all. I don't dislike her version of it, I just dislike the thought of one of my favourite songs becoming an icon for pre-produced mass-marketed flash in the pan money grabbing shit like X-Factor, and I hate the thought of it making a lot of money for that twat Cowell.

Alexandra is really hot, too, apart from the fact that she looks like Count Von Count. It's the nose.

Also, even though I've had his 'Grace' album for ages I had no idea what Jeff Buckley looked like until yesterday. Turns out he's an exact prereplica of James Franco. Compare the two on the right - can you tell which is which?

An Iraqi cameraman threw a shoe at George Bush

2008-12-15T17:58:00.005Z

Most people, especially Americans, think that there were no WMDs in Iraq and the invasion was all a load of bullshit propaganda to secure a permanent source of oil for the western world.

These people also seem to think that American (and British) troops have no place being there, and should be out by now, as they shouldn't have gone there in the first place.

A lot of Iraqi's apparently also think this which is why is the only reason I can guess that they have a penchant for blowing us up.

Except one particular Iraqi didn't strap a bomb to himself, rather than that he just shouted some insult at a press conference, and took off his shoe and threw it at Dubya. No it wasn't a shoe bomb, just a regular shoe. It was from Clarks.

Now here comes my point:

To all the people who think the invasion was unjust, unwarranted, and didn't achieve anything, I would like to remind you that if this cameraman had done this under the rule of Saddam Hussein he would face a long, drawn out death from extensive torture.

As this is a political subject there will no doubt be people who disagree and think I'm full of shit. I look forward to hearing your opinions, carefully considering them, and informing you that you are wrong and I am right.

Now I just have to wait :)

2008-12-14T00:36:00.003Z

Look what came in the post today! So now I've got my licence back, I've got insurance on a car sorted out, all I need to do is wait for them both to come into force on January 2nd.

At last!

1 month to go

2008-12-02T16:29:00.002Z

It's taken me until 4:30 in the afternoon today before I looked at a calendar and realised it's a very significant date today.

Today is the 2nd of December. And what does that mean?

It means in exactly 1 month I will be legally allowed to drive again! :D

More snow!

2008-12-02T10:13:00.000Z

It's snowing again today - I love snow! Unfortunately there is no more forecast :(

Snow!

2008-11-23T05:45:00.001Z

I just looked out of my window and realised it's been snowing! This is great, i love snow. I'm going to bed now since it's quarter to 6 in the morning, but i'm hoping really hard that there's gonna be a lot more snow when i wake up!

Happy Swinstead

2008-11-19T02:37:00.004Z

The fellow geeks reading this will understand, but to everyone else, I'll explain.

When you're writing code in a program, there will always be bugs. Most of them will be minor things that are easily sorted but every now and then a bastard comes along that seemingly has no explanation, and you get stuck on it.

I've had one of those for the last 7 hours, and it's been driving me insane.

Right now, after finally fixing it, I feel total euphoria. I can now go to sleep at last.

Night kids.

Kitteh!

2008-11-08T20:49:00.000Z

Mouse Cloned From Long Frozen Cell

2008-11-06T13:04:00.003Z

As a self-confessed geek I find this totally cool:
from http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/11/04/mouse-clone-mammoth.html

Nov. 4, 2008 -- Japanese scientists said Tuesday they had created a mouse from a dead cell frozen for 16 years, taking a step in the long impossible dream of bringing back extinct animals such as mammoths.

The scientists extracted a cell nucleus from an organ of the dead mouse and planted it into an egg of another mouse which was alive, leading to the birth of the cloned mouse, the researchers said.

Basically it means that the only thing stopping them from cloning a mammoth is finding a specimen in good enough condition to extract a cell nucleus from.

It would have to be mated with an elephant, resulting in a half-mammoth hybrid, but cloning another mammoth with this result would produce a 3/4 breed, and the next generation after that would be 7/8ths mammoth.

Bring on Jurassic Park!

I need your karma!

2008-11-06T00:05:00.002Z

I've been applying for a few jobs recently - two of which are ones I would very much like, and one of those two I will find out whether I'm through to the next stage of tomorrow.

So wish me luck guys, I really want this. What I'm doing now really isn't working, I'm covering bills but bugger all else, I really need to get back into a proper, full time, normal job.

So send your good vibes this way tomorrow please, and aim them well because I don't want your karma running over my dogma!

Congratulations to the USA of America

2008-11-05T23:09:00.002Z

Well done America, last night you finally rectified the mistake you made 4 years ago and chose a new president.

The phrase "Yes we can" was the motto of Barack Obama's election campaign.

The sad thing is that if the question had been "Can we vote Bush again?" And the answer had still been "yes we can"... then they probably would have.

An interesting day

2008-11-02T04:32:00.000Z

Today, I made rice crispies cakes, mince pies, and a bamboo go cart (unfinished), and saw 3 foxes all separately on the way home.

Tomorrow, I am going to London. In fact I have to be up in 3 hours so it's way past my bed time...

College Workload

2008-10-30T17:02:00.001Z

Tonight I am aiming to completely finish my C++ assignment for college, and depending on how well that goes I would also like to have a good crack at Harvard Referencing my DBMS Assignment so it's ready to hand in.

Wish me luck!

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross's Radio 2 stunt

2008-10-29T13:25:00.002Z

I've been hearing about this huge controversy for a few days now and it's getting annoying. For those not in the know, live on air Ross and Brand called up Andrew Sachs (Manuel from Fawlty Towers) and left stupid answering machine messages. The part that's getting people irate is the lewd comments made in the messages about Sach's granddaughter.

I have only two things to say about this.

1) If you don't like what you see on tv, or hear on the radio, or read in the paper, then stop watching, listening and reading. Nobody is forcibly subjecting you to this stuff.

If you were listening to what you believed would be wholesome family entertainment for those who like to be wrapped in cotton wool and then this happened, it would be a different matter, but this is just the sort of thing that Ross and Brand are known for and if you don't like it you shouldn't be listening to them

2) Jonathan Ross. Two first names.

Making flapjack

2008-10-26T22:50:00.001Z

Having made several lots of flapjack recently, here are my lessons.

More butter is good.

More syrup is good - but don't go overboard.

When it comes to cooking time, less is more.

Kerry Katona should be put down

2008-10-23T07:25:00.001+01:00

I keep getting half a story about something controversial that happened on This Morning yesterday with Kerry Katona but I haven't really got a clue what it is people are talking about.

On the other hand, I just wonder why people are giving a shit about what happens on This Morning and what happens to Kerry Katona.

If I hear one more person say that everyone needs to "lay off her cos she's had a hard time" I'll scream. She's had a really hard time being rich and famous has she? Poor little baby.

I have zero sympathy.

Televised snooker sucks you in

2008-10-20T10:01:00.000+01:00

TV is shit. Snooker is shit. So why is it that putting the two together gives such an irresistible combination?

Yes I must admit that having spent the last few days in bed, ill, with nothing to do but watch TV, I've found myself drawn in to watching the snooker grand prix.

Congratulations to John Higgins, who won it purely because I was watching. I'm a good luck charm to him you see, because we're May 18th identical twin birthday brothers.

What is happening to football recently?

2008-10-06T17:45:00.000+01:00

To be honest, I haven't been following the football very well at all this season. It's just that I've been busy, and I've had a lot of things on my mind, so I've kept a close track on stags but what's going on in the premier league has passed me by.

So, imagine my bizarre shock to have a look at the table this morning and see this:

		P	W	D	L	F	A	+/-	Pts
1	Chelsea	7	5	2	0	14	3	+11	17
2	Liverpool	7	5	2	0	10	4	+6	17
3	Hull City	7	4	2	1	10	11	-1	14
4	Arsenal	7	4	1	2	13	5	+8	13
5	Aston Villa	7	4	1	2	12	10	+2	13
6	West Ham United	7	4	0	3	14	13	+1	12
7	Portsmouth	7	4	0	3	9	13	-4	12
8	Manchester United	6	3	2	1	8	4	+4	11
9	West Bromwich Albion	7	3	1	3	7	7	0	10
10	Blackburn Rovers	7	3	1	3	8	14	-6	10
11	Manchester City	7	3	0	4	18	12	+6	9
12	Middlesbrough	7	3	0	4	7	9	-2	9
13	Wigan Athletic	7	2	2	3	9	6	+3	8
14	Sunderland	7	2	2	3	7	9	-2	8
15	Everton	7	2	2	3	11	15	-4	8
16	Bolton Wanderers	7	2	1	4	8	10	-2	7
17	Fulham	6	2	0	4	5	7	-2	6
18	Newcastle United	7	1	2	4	7	13	-6	5
19	Stoke City	7	1	1	5	8	14	-6	4
20	Tottenham Hotspur	7	0	2	5	4	10	-6	2

Of the many things wrong here let's take a look at the obvious 3:

West Ham are 6th - wtf? Nice one Zola!
Hull are 3rd - even more wtf
But here's the big one - Man Utd are 8th! 8th! I know they're a game behind, but they're 6 points behind!

I'm gonna have to buck my ideas up and start paying more attention 'cos it's looking like this season is going to be an interesting one.

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

2008-10-06T00:34:00.001+01:00

Bonus points to start with for anyone who recognises the above quote. Googlers will be decapitated for cheating.

I'm having difficulty sleeping recently which explains why I'm here online now despite having work in the morning. Recently I seem to work far too much. It's really starting to cut into my Dexter time.

Today I found myself still dealing with the consequences of the day last week that started as the best day I've ever been paid for, and suddenly turned into the worst. I think I need my comforters -but unlike most I take little to no pleasure from retail therapy, or from comfort eating, instead I turn to my heroes in life:

So if in the next few days you see me wearing a suit, drinking whisky, and smoking cigars, don't be alarmed, I'm just being Barney Stinson or Toby Ziegler.

If I'm caught dying my hair ginger, don't worry, I'm just going through a Simon Pegg phase.

On the other hand if I gain a lot of weight, stop shaving and swear a lot... well you won't notice the difference, but that's me in Kevin Smith mode.

Give blood!

2008-10-05T10:54:00.000+01:00

I'm giving blood today. It will be my second time. Why aren't you?

Have you ever had an operation which involved a blood transfusion? Has a friend? A relative?

If so, and even if not, you should be asking yourself why you don't give blood. Some people have a good reason not to, but most don't. It's quick, it's easy, it's totally painless.

Donor sessions are regular, and they get around a bit so there's bound to be one near you fairly soon. Look up the best one for you at blood.co.uk

Do it!

Almost back in the driving seat

2008-10-04T11:12:00.001+01:00

Getting banned for drink driving was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. 6 months on I regret it a lot, my life just isn’t quite as awesome as it was when I had a car.

But I’ve been on a drink-driver rehabilitation course which cuts my driving ban down to 9 months instead of 12, so 3 months from now I get my license back!

Can’t wait!

See more progress on: learn to drive

Bored bored bored.

2008-09-27T03:03:00.000+01:00

There was a plan for tonight and the plan was simple. Stay up late and do 2 college assignments.

The reason i planned to do it overnight rather than in the day is because you can do more in one night session than you could in a whole week of daytimes. It's the lack of distraction, nobody else is online, nobody else is about the house, nothing is on tv, nowhere to go out, nothing to do.... Except work.

This plan was just kicking into action, i had megadosed up on coffee to get me through the night, and was ready to go. Then my internet connection died on me. I can't get any further than i already am on my assignments without using online resources, so i'm buggered.

So here I am an hour later still without internet, still dosed up on coffee and completely unable to sleep.

WANK!

Chocolate eating techniques #3

2008-09-15T14:11:00.000+01:00

Todays guide is a little bit of rule-bending because today what I'm going to show you how to eat properly is not chocolate: It's skittles!

Of course I don't mean bowling skittles, I wouldn't recommend eating those, I mean this kind

There are several varieties of skittles nowadays - as you can see I've got fruit skittles, which is the new name for the original ones - this technique should be applied to every type.

First off open the pack in the same way that you should open all packets of chocolate, crisps, sweets etc; Go along the seam so that you can undo it neatly without tearing anything. Unfortuately this packet wasn't playing ball with me today and it ripped open spreading skittles across my floor, so I went by the 2-second rule.

Step 2: The pairs and squares rule, which states that you can only ever, ever eat skittles in coloured pairs or coloured squares. Pairs is obvious enough, but coloured squares means a squared number of the same colour so 2, 4, 16 etc. Since you're unlikely to have 16 of the same colour this really just means 2 or 4.

Start off by picking up any two (or four) of the same colour from the packet and eating them together.

You may prefer to empty the skittles on a table and separate them into coloured pairs first, like so:

Continue this until the bottom of the packet. You don't have to stick with one colour you can swap back and forth, it's up to you.

This is where the technique turns into fortune telling! That's right you can actually read your luck for the day from a packet of skittles! If you get to the bottom of the packet and you have managed to pair up every last skittle - that is, if there are no odds ones left in the bottom, then you know that today will be a good day.

It's an omen, a sign that all is well with the world, that the universe is in order, that whichever gods you believe in are smiling down upon you.

If not all skittles are paired up, don't forget the pairs and squares rule - you can not eat single-colour skittles so just throw them in the bin.

No, seriously. Throw them in the bin.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to properly eat a packet of skittles.

Coming soon: The definitive, ISO standardised way to eat a Cadbury's Creme Egg!

Until next time, ta-ta.

Swinstead the medieval warfare master (aka geek)

2008-09-13T17:54:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I made a Trebuchet. For those not in the know a Trebuchet is a medieval warfare device something like a catapult - you will have seen them in films being used to hurl huge rocks at castle walls and stuff.

It was made from paperclips and it could take very little weight without falling to bits.

It managed to fire about 5 times it's own length but only a few times before the axle bowed and the whole thing died. It was good for nothing more than a proof of concept.

So then I whipped out the bamboo, the hacksaw and the wood glue and took things to the next level with attempt number 2.

As you can see attempt number 2 is much larger and more sturdy.

This model could fire around 5 feet compared to being a foot long. Then I made some structural changes (not pictured) and it now fires to well over ten feet! I'm convinced I can get it higher when I get around to making a heavier counterweight, but now I've had my fun I probably won't bother.

Instead, my next plan is to make a bigger version, roughly 4 feet tall, which will be awesome. It will be so awesome that it's second name will be awesome and people will say "Hey have you seen that trebuchet John Awesome and his 2 kids 'Totally Awesome' and 'Frickin Awesome'?"

Anyway. Other stuff I did yesterday was look into steampunk modding some things. Steampunking makes everything cool, see below.

And also I was looking at pictures of some of the coolest tattoos I've ever seen:

And the pièce de résistance, without a doubt my favourite tattoo ever:

And to top off my online meanderings I was looking at galleries of a lego artist who makes actual artistic sculptures out of lego. And this is my favourite:

And there we go, a day in the life of someone too skint to go out on a Friday!

Luckily tonight I shall be leaving the house instead!

Chocolate eating techniques #2

2008-09-01T01:58:00.000+01:00

To properly eat a kit-kat, you will first need a couple of pieces of equipment.

Primarily there is, of course, fig 1 - a kit-kat.

Whether you enter the competition to win a mini or not is an optional part of this lesson. Secondly, you will need a cup of steamin' hot java! Well actually any hot drink will work so you can substitute it for tea or whatever you like, but I'm a caffeine addict so I used coffee. This cup was lovingly made for me by my friend Lizz.

That's all the preparation done so let's start the method.

First, unwrap the kit-kat from it's wrapper. Now, if you're anal like me then you're going to want to unwrap the kit-kat without tearing the wrapper at all; the way to do this is to open along the seams instead of tearing.

Next thing to do is carefully remove one of the 4 "fingers" from the "hand". This is the finger we will be eating first, so you can discard the others for now and come back to them later.

Now you've got the little finger isolated from his gang, you can do whatever you want to him.

Being careful not to bite into the wafer at all, nibble off the chocolate from one end of the finger.

Next, repeat this step on the other end of the finger.

Now your finger has been wantonly nibbled at, it's time to put this together with your other piece of equipment, the coffee!

As you can see in the photo below, you need to dip one end of the kit-kat finger into the coffee, and the other end in your mouth. What I'm essentially doing here is using the kit-kat as a straw, sucking the coffee up through it.

Repeat all the above steps for each finger.

The end result is a delightful chocolatey coffee taste, that simply dwarves the comparatively bland taste of a regular kit-kat.

Et voila, you now know how to eat a kit-kat properly.

Played until my fingers bled

2008-08-31T15:30:00.000+01:00

There's something to be said for working so hard you go home covered in sweat, stinking like a cow's rear end. It's a sort of quaint satisfaction that you could never get from a day's work behind a desk. It makes you feel like you've really done something good with your day, like you've earned your stay in this world for another little while, like you're a real man who does things men are meant to do.

Either that or I'm just full of shit.

Yesterday I literally played guitar until my fingers bled.

That will be all kids. Until next time, ta-ta.

Back to school

2008-08-26T21:24:00.000+01:00

Through some peculiar accident that I'm yet to fully comprehend, I seem to have become a student once again. After meeting with one of the tutors last week to discuss it, and applying for the course soon after, today I had my interview with the course coordinator and I'm now officially accepted onto a HNC in computing.

Several weeks from now I will be fully settled into the student lifestyle and I may be caught wearing a duffel coat, drinking alcopops on a Thursday night, or even - god forbid - enjoying The Mighty Boosh. Should any of these things happen I give anyone reading this permission to slap me.

Please.

Sunday Fucking Funday

2008-08-18T12:14:00.000+01:00

First of all, might I just say that the reason I haven't posted for a while is because I was on holiday and it was AWESOME! 7 days in the sun with copious amounts of alcohol is always going to amount to some crazy shenanigans and fantastic adventures, which is exactly what happened.

Towards the end I felt like I really wanted to come home but now I'm here I want nothing more than to go back. It was a fantastic place but I missed being away from my home comforts like my own bed, flushing toilet paper, and of course my huge porn collection.

Since the holiday I've come home to find myself unemployed which is taking a little getting used to. I find that it usually takes a week or two for it to sink in that you haven't got a job and you need to get one - until then you just enjoy being off work - but meanwhile it's hard to get motivated to do anything. That's the period I'm in now.

In other news, as some of you may know I've been trying to lose some weight for a couple of months now. I haven't been keeping people updated because I'm well aware nobody gives a shit, but today I reached a milestone that I think is worth mentioning. As of today I now FINALLY weigh less than 15 stone. I figured out the key - less food, more Jack Daniels! Dieting is so much fun!

The other miraculous discovery I've just made is 80p Sundays in liquid! SUNDAY FUCKING FUNDAY!

Sundays are dead. Long live Sundays!

Chocolate eating techniques #1

2008-08-04T10:17:00.000+01:00

To properly eat a twix, one must first carefully and precisely consume the top layer of chocolate and caramel, being sure to avoid any dental contact with the biscuit layer.

When done properly, a row of small holes in the biscuit should be clearly visible, as shown.

Put a donk on it

2008-07-30T18:02:00.000+01:00

Cheap redbull.
The Macarena.
Bellies out.
Put a donk on it.
Put a donk on it.
Put a donk on it.

Today has been a good day.

Swinstead is dead.
Long live Swinstead.

Getting there. I think.

2008-07-18T21:50:00.001+01:00

I'm trying to decide whether I'm going anywhere with my life.

I always feel like I'm getting there, like I'm working towards the things I want. But I never get to where I want to be.

It's not that I don't achieve my goals; I do. It's more that the goals I aim for are the wrong ones.

I can't find the right ones.

I'm looking, though. I feel like the time is right not to achieve my goals in life, but at least to find out what they are.

It's ineffable.

It's a project.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's greased lightning.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Suave

2008-07-12T15:46:00.000+01:00

Yes. That will be all.

Asia Argento

2008-07-09T17:40:00.000+01:00

Here's the most concise Asia Argento biograpghy I could find:

Asia Argento writes stories and novels, directs music videos, documentaries, and feature films, and appears in movies, sometimes with her clothes on.

None of which I care much about, I just like her because she has the sexiest tattoo ever, as you can see in this specially blogsafe edited pic.

Awesome.

I need a new job

2008-07-08T08:47:00.001+01:00

I've been looking at houses to rent or buy and the conclusion i've come to is i need a new job. I like my job so it's a shame but it just doesn't pay enough for me to comfortably be able to get my own flat.

I could ask for a raise but it wouldn't be a big one because it's not a high paying industry, for example my boss who was 20 years experience and is the manager of all the company operations only gets paid about £5k more than i do.

So i'm currently accepting job offers, send them on a postcard or with a self addressed envelope to Swinstead for president, PO box 123456.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Here's to another blurry weekend

2008-07-07T11:51:00.000+01:00

I woke up to find this on my arm this morning with no initial recollection of the story behind it. Perhaps that's a sign i drink too much.

Tennis sucks

2008-07-06T16:41:00.000+01:00

R-fed and namibia are supposedly the two best tennis players in the world. So why then can they not even get a decent rally going? This is such a shit game to watch.

Hour and a half to go

2008-07-04T15:25:00.001+01:00

Oh i've been working all week i'm tired.
Yea i've been working all week and i'm
just livin for the weekend.

Hey hey.
Got some money i just got paid.
Got some money and i can't wait.
At six o'clock i'm out of here.

Out there tonight is the night of my last got my name on.
Run down the street adidas on my feet, i'm on fire.

Working all the time.
Work is such a bind.
Got some money to spend.
Livin for the weekend.

When it gets too much i live for the rush.
Got some money to spend.
Livin for the weekend.

Oh man!
Yea i've been workin all week i'm shot.
Yea i've been workin all week for what?
Just livin for the weekend.
Ah shit!

The Swinkle Cycle

2008-07-03T08:41:00.000+01:00

As I have a habit of doing, I've been spending time recently analysing every aspect of my life.

This is partly because I have nothing better to do but moreover because I just think too much. You wouldn't think the latter to be true - largely because the things I usually think about are if I had a miner bird I'd train it to say 'sorry, it was me' every time I farted, not the most intellectual of meandering thought trains - but nontheless I've been thinkign and have realised that my social life is in a constantly progressing cycle.

The cycle starts at ... well, it doesn't start anywhere, it's a cycle, it goes around and around. Who knows which bit comes first?

Let's for argument's sake say that it starts with me in a relationship. This is phase 1 of the cycle. Now I'm not married yet so obviously every relationship I've been in has ended, for whatever reason. So phase 1 is when the relationship ends.

Phase 2. So then I'm single. Usually during this phase I'm still sleeping with my ex for a while. In fact this has happened with every ex girlfriend so far, but sooner or later I get sick of them or vice versa, or both, and we part ways for good.

So then I start seeing friends again. And I start going out again. And I start drinking. This is phase 3. I usually go off the rails at this point, getting drunk all 3 days of every weekend, and during the week too. I get carried away with going out having fun. I end up making a complete tit of myself by coming onto girls in the most pissed up undignified way ever. I'm still fresh from the relationship and I don't want an new girl anyway, the only reason I'm doing it is because I can!

In phase 3 I usually weite very open, honest blogs about my life ;)

Until phase 4. During phase 4, after coming onto lots of girls just because I can, it doesn't take long before I actually end up with one. Then for an ineffably stupid reason I end up going out with said girl even though I don't want to yet.

Phase 5. "The Girlfriend". I lose contact with my friends because I take my relationship too seriously and ignore everything else. I don't go out. I don't have fun. I get miserable. We break up.

Phase 6. See phase 1.

I'm currently in phase 3. I like phase 3. Phase 3 is the best one.

I feel great

2008-06-30T16:26:00.000+01:00

Most people, most of the time update most of their blogs, mostly about negative things. People complain a lot on blogs. They whine and they rant and they bitch. I am breaking the mould by posting for no reason other than to say how happy i am at the moment. Me myself and I just had a really great weekend. And i'm happy. That will be all :)

This is Mansfield

2008-06-20T12:20:00.000+01:00

That will be all.

My new running shoes rock

2008-06-13T19:59:00.001+01:00

I got my new trainers for my birthday.

They’re Adidas Gazelles and not only do they look great but they’re sooo comfy. I’m using them to go to the gym in which is something I’m going to do a lot more now.

See more progress on: buy a decent pair of running shoes

Cockroaches vs Slugs

2008-06-13T09:28:00.000+01:00

In terms of survival; the cockroach is said to be able to withstand anything from being stood on, to a nuclear blast and the ensuing fallout. A slug, in contrast, is killed by a few sprinkles of good old sodium chloride. How on earth did this bizarre weakness evolve? A lethal susceptibility to such a common compound surely cannot be good for the species. Cockroaches take the lead, for now at least.

To the weekend that came and went

2008-06-08T22:43:00.000+01:00

Goodbye weekend, i'll miss you. See you again in 5 days!

Euro 2008

2008-06-07T14:53:00.001+01:00

As most of you know, Euro 2008 kicks off today. And of course most of you also know the England failed to qualify for the tournament.

While searching for a reason people might watch the tournament, the BBC have decided to encourage following another country by emblazoning the trailer for their coverage with the tagline "Who will you support?".

Perhaps it's this which has led to what seems to be a battle for supporting the biggest underdog.

Every person I talk to spouts off some semi-obscure country that they have "got money on" to win it, and then goes on to defend them when I answer with "Those guys? really??". It appears that the worse the country you lend your support to, and the more vehemently you call out "no they're really strong this year", then the cooler it makes you.

I mean think about it, have you heard many people saying they're betting on a team that might actually win it?

Personally I'm foregoing the pretentious desire to be seen as an amateur pundit and sticking with sensible teams to predict as winners,so here's what I reckon. World Champions Italy will certainly be looking to get the European title too. France are of course an extremely strong team, and we can't forget Germany after how well they surprised everyone in The World Cup (though course that could have been a host-nation fluke). Spain look set to do well too.

But that's just me and I know bugger all.

Somebody told me they were supporting Holland. Try The Netherlands, Holland doesn't exist as an entry in Euro 2008. Get a Geography lesson.

Beat it

2008-06-04T11:23:00.001+01:00

Alien Ant Farm are much better at doing Michael Jackson covers than Fall Out Boy. And John Mayer just can't compete with EVH on the solo.

An ode to JonP

2008-06-02T11:06:00.000+01:00

He plays guitar all day long,
and sits in on his playstation,
he doesn't look a thing like jesus,
but he does look like his sister.

Thanks, I'm here all week.

The Apprentice is hotting up!

2008-05-27T09:33:00.000+01:00

I wonder how many blog posts get titled "Another day, another dollar" every Monday morning. Today, however is different because it's a bank holiday week so we all get to whine about being back to work a day later than usual. Yay!

As if that weren't enough to throw off my weekly clock, to make matters worse this weeks Apprentice is tonight, Tuesday, rather than the usual Wednesday - so instead of having to wait for midweek I'll see it on the first day of work. It'll be weird.

I am nontheless looking forward to it, things are really starting to hot up in the house as the numbers dwindle. Let's take a look at who's left - because yes, I really do have that much spare time at work.

Helene Speight
Ugly butch woman, who likes to have a go at Lucinda. Hasn't thus far been spotted doing much else, in fact. At some point as a baby her parents misspelled her name Helen on something-or-other official and she's been stuck with it ever since.

Michael Sophocles
Annoying whiny faux jewish boy. Kiss-ass to Alan Sugar who should've been fired after getting a Muslin market seller to bless a chicken to make it kosher.

Them two are mostly useless.

Lucinda Ledgerwood
Hippy nutjob who likes to wear berets and other equally ridiculous clothing. Good at bossing folk around but doesn't do much herself. Too old.

Claire Young
Gobby. Rude. Fat. But oddly likable. Apparently nicknamed Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants. I thought it was more because of her face, to be fair.

Alex Wotherspoon
One of the favourites to win, Alex has ended up in the boardroom a copious amount of times desptie having never really cocked up yet. Needs a hair cut.

Lee McQueen
My personal favourite to win, Lee is a cockney legend who likes to refer to himself in third person. Famous quotes include "Lee McQueen is fucking concerned!" and "I'm buzzing...let's go sell some more knickers!"

The smart money is on Claire or Alex I think. I'd bet a tenner with anyone who'd take me up on it that Michael gets fired tonight.

And in the meantime I've got bugger all else to do but sit here at my desk bored...

The aftermath

2008-05-20T16:14:00.000+01:00

Getting my nose broken is not much fun. Spending my birthday in A&E isn't either. Currently in vast amounts of pain.