Into The Wild

Signor DogBot is hard at work, sleeping on the sofa, fighting with his ball and barking at passers by.
All I want to know is, what do dogs do for a break? They can't sleep, that's their job!

And another one. I'm on a roll. A bacon roll.

I'm going to get my hair cut on Thursday. I've had more or less the same hairstyle for the best part of a decade.

Hayley calls it "the chicken".

I call it "the awesome man".

I asked my new hair dresser what's cool at the moment and she said "choppy".

As tempted as I am to let her go for it, all I can think of when I hear the word "choppy" is this guy:

What happened to winters wistfully wishing for snow?

This is a list of things I have encountered in the last few days:

• A tube of Chapstick that was almost completely used
• No less than three (3!) biros that were almost out of ink
• An empty spindle that once held 50 blank CDs, now all used

That's a small collection of objects that almost never gets used to the end of it's life. All of them get lost and subsequently replaced well before they "run out" or are "used up".

Why is it commonplace to hear "Where's my pen?", or even sometimes "This pen has dried up and stopped working" but never, ever do you hear "This pen is out of ink". Ever.

If you don't find this interesting, you are not a good person.

No snow this year...

Nothing is ever better or worse than anything else. Ever.

Everything is just different, that's all.

New years resolutions for 2012

New year, new targets. Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

But, before setting resolutions for 2012, I need to look back at how I did in 2011.

2011

Last year I set myself three resolutions.

The first was "Pay off my debts". This was technically a failure, as I still have debt, but I did manage to pay off some pretty huge chunks of it in 2011. The £1300 Natwest credit card is now fully paid off, as well as over £1600 paid off towards my car, and quite a few hundred quid spread across some HP debts from a few years ago. In fact I haven't missed a single payment on anything all year. So yea, I'm marking this one as done (as much as could be expected realistically).

Number 2 took was "Quit smoking". It took me until most of the way through the year, but then I did it. No excuses necessary on this one, I just did it, I completely quit smoking. Ok so I will admit, I wasn't exactly a big smoker before, so maybe setting this as a new years resolution was cheating. Still counts though!

Number 3 was "Get in shape", which also went quite well. I did a lot of working out at the start of 2011, then I had a bit of a break from it when work took my main focus, but then I jumped back on the waggon around September and I've been hitting the gym hard ever since. Armed with an endomorphic body type and a kitchen full of protein shakes, I gained a lot of muscle in quite a short space of time. Done. Sorta.

 2012

More financial stability
As I get older I feel more and more like I need to be monetarily independent, and not rely on anybody for anything financially. This means, first and foremost, that I will continue my mission to get completely out of debt. If I can repeat last years rate of progress (I paid off a grand total of £3,200 of debt over the year) then by the end of this year I will owe only a few hundred pounds, and that will all be on a low-interest overdraft.

But this goal means much more than just debts. This year I'm setting my targets higher and I want to be able to provide money for myself completely, not even relying on an employer for a wage. I want to go self employed.

I won't post any details on here, but I'm currently toying with a few ideas on how I will do this. Nothing is set in stone yet, but I'm determined to achieve this in 2012 one way or another.

Cycle to Skegness (and back) for charity
At the back end of last year a few of us at the gym decided to set ourselves a challenge for a long bike ride. We decided on Skegness because the 80 mile route seemed like a distance to challenge us just the right amount. We roped in a few more people who were up for it, and set a date at the back end of March (weather permitting).

The initial idea was not to do it for charity, but just to do it for the challenge, but I'm going to attempt to raise some money for a good cause along the way.

Everyone else involved is currently planning to cycle there on the Saturday, stay overnight in a hotel, and come back on the train the next day. I, being a sucker for punishment, have decided to cycle back the next day as well. I'll see if I can convince anyone else that they are mad enough to join me.

Get (even more) in shape
I know I considered this as done last year, but fitness isn't something you can just do once and have done with it. It's a progressive thing; something you're always working to improve (or at least maintain).

My new goal in 2012 is to cut down my body fat massively from my current 28% to as close to 10% as I can get, while still building more muscle than I currently have. Given the progress I've made already, I don't see why this shouldn't be possible if I set my mind to it. Training for my bike ride should also help with this a lot.

And that's my lot.

Boom boom boom, let me hear you say HOSEPIPE BAN.

End of August

Been quite a while since I wrote a blog on here. I'll keep it short and sweet.

Here are a few of the things I've been up to since I last posted:

Buying new cars
Going on holiday (Prague in February, Turkey in May)
Battling space zombies
Working - a lot
Remodeling my back garden
Running around on powerbock tilts (and falling over on them a lot too)

The space zombies were the best part; I kicked their asses!

And now for the things I will be doing in the near future:

Working - even more
Battling Magneto's mutants
Remodeling my front garden
Redecorating the bedroom

All of that to come, but for now I'll just sit tight and watch The Da Vinci Code on channel five, even though its crap.

To The Weekend That Was

Since my last blog I've fallen foul to a series of unfortunate events. Most of these were fairly inconsequential but one was not: I had a nasty car accident and wrote off my shiny new car. Bugger!

Fortunately both me and Hayley left the accident unscathed, albeit Hayley is currently suffering with a bad back because of it. I guess it could've been a lot worse, but still I was absolutely gutted to wreck my car that I'd only had for 5 months.

Nonetheless life goes on which is why I spent the last few weeks since the accident looking at new cars, and finally chose one yesterday, which I will be picking up on Friday.

This brings me to an update on progress towards the 1 of the 3 goals I previously set myself: Pay off my debts.

Because I got such a good deal when I bought the Corsa back in July, 5 months and 5000 miles after buying it, it was still worth only £300 less than I paid for it (and considerably more than I still owe on the loan). I used this as a chance to buy a car on a lower budget, meaning that I've got a chunk of cash leftover from my insurance after I pay for the new car.

This remaining cash will be used to pay off my Natwest Credit Card that's been haunting my credit report for a few years, and will pay off the vast majority of my Capital One credit card as well.

Also in the next fortnight I will be selling my old Ford Escort for the scrap metal value, which will give me enough cash to fully pay off the last of an old HP that's been around for donkeys years.

After this I have a long term plan going forward to pay of the last of my Capital One card and my remaining HP within 6 months, so that I can start making double payments on my car loan and get that paid off way ahead of the scheduled 3 years.

While I'm at it I can also update on progress of my other 2 goals.

Quit Smoking: Done! As of today I haven't smoked, not even a drag, for a full month. Easy.

Get in shape: I've been hitting the gym pretty much every day since Christmas. And by 'the gym' what I mean is the spare bedroom, where I've set up a small home gym. It's much easier to get motivated to work out when you only have to walk upstairs instead of having to drive across town.

That's all for now kids. I've got places to go, people to see.

New Years Resolutions for 2011

I don't normally do this, mainly because I don't think you should wait until a set date before trying to figure out how to improve your life. Rather, it should be something you're doing every day. But nonetheless here goes my New Years Resolutions for 2011.

Pay off my debts
This means my £1200 Natwest credit card, my £400 Capital One credit card, and a handful of HPs that I'm paying off very gradually. And of course my £1300 overdraft. This will require learning to control my spending very strictly.

Quit smoking
It's not like I smoke a lot anyway, and for the last few weeks I've been cutting down and smoking less and less, which should help. Cutting down from 40 a day would be difficult, but stopping from 10 a week should be easy peasy.

Get in shape
Santa brought me some home gym equipment for Christmas and I am determined for 2011 to be the year I finally get in shape.

A change is gonna come

Well here I am writing a blog for the first time in months. Last time I did this was before my birthday back in May, when I was suddenly rather taken by the idea of buying posh spoons.

Well. I'm sorry to keep you all waiting on tenterhooks since then, holding your breath for an update, but you'll all be glad to find out at last that the posh spoons are still in very good condition and have lasted longer than all the cheap ones we bought before. Hurrah!

Meanwhile, as several months have passed by, things have changed. First of all we moved house back in June. Or July. Or something.

The move was fairly painless thanks to the Mansfield removals company we used. Plus, having moved house far more often than I'm happy about, I'm now pretty good at moving house!

Here's Hayley enjoying our new house the night we got the keys and started moving things in. It doesn't look like that any more though, it has more furniture in it now. Duh. It's much bigger and nicer than our last house, it's in a better location, and best of all the landlord and house owner are kanine-friendly so DogBot isn't going to be getting us in any more trouble.

Secondly I got myself a new car which has changed my life quite a bit. The old Escort had an extremely reliable engine but other than that it was starting to fall apart and the maintenance bills were getting higher and higher, not to mention the shitty MPG costing me a fortune in fuel, so it had to go.
After securing the finance for it I shopped around for about 3 years, viewed about a thousand cars, and test drive what seemed like several hundred different models before eventually buying my new baby, Marina the Corsa.

While a Corsa is pretty hard to get excited about, the choice was made a no-brainer thanks to competetive pricing, high MPG, low insurance, virtually no road tax and Vauxhall's reliable build. It was a really nice drive too which was really the clincher.

Since I last posted we've also been on holiday! We booked a 3 days break in Krakow, Poland, for no reason other than we walked past the travel agents and the poster in the window was advertising a really cheap offer. The time between booking it and going flew by and before you know it there we were in Krakow soaking up the atmosphere, and of course, the beer!

We made sure to visit nearby Auschwitz because I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. But other than that rather morose trip it was a really gun holiday where we made lots of friends, had some wacky adventures, got some stories to tell, and drank a lot of beer (did I mention that already?).

And that pit-stop tour of the last few months brings us all up to date to now: a very snowy December 1st. Christmas is right around the corner but if you look out of the Window you'll believe it's here already. Here in Mansfield we've had tons and tons of it fall in the last 48 hours, the conditions are completely bonkers. Everybody is snowed in, pretty much nobody has gone to work anywhere. But, having a job I can do from a PC anywhere, I have to sit here at my desk and work from home. Boo!

That's all for now kids. Ta-ta.

Oh and points to anyone who spotted the Sam Cooke reference

Cinco de Mayo, Iron Man 2, and Posh Spoons

Over the last month or so I've turned into a right calorie counting, fat-weighing fag. My eating habits have improved so much, but at the risk of me being killed by the next person who hears me moan about how much salt is in my BLT.

I haven't been drinking much recently either. Alcohol is empty calories, you see. Swinkle knows these things. Tonight however, is different. Tonight I'm up late playing DJ Hero and sinking a few beers to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo, for those not in the know, is a Mexican national holiday, which is based on an unlikely victory of the Mexican army in some century too long ago to matter. But for the rest of us it's just a fairly obscure excuse to drink and party with anyone else who may know what it means. It's like Mexico's very own St Patrick's Day.

Tonight Hayley and I went to see Iron Man 2. It was ok, not as good as the first one. That's about as much of a review as you'll get out of me.

Then we went to Sainsburys for some stuff, and to hang out at the Nissan Micra party in the car park that we'd said we'd go to.

While there we bought posh new teaspoons. The reason for this is mainly bercause we ran out of teaspoons. But the reason we specifically bought the expensive ones is because apparently I'm old now. You see, there's a certain stage in your developing maturity, where you're no longer happy to have Sainsbury's basics, Tesco value and ASDA price in your house. So now I have posh spoons and I feel like an adult.

Now I'm going to go and moan about the weather and how it was always better in my day, and to bore the young'uns with stories about how, when I was a lad, I used to have to walk 15 miles to work at the pit, carrying a donkey on my back.

Still April

What's this, two posts in the same month? I must have been snorting pro plus in the moonlight! Or something that makes sense.

Tomorrow I'm going on a business meeting with the Big Boss and our Head of Sales to meet our newest suppliers. What's unusual about this meeting above others is that rather than driving there, we'll be flying the distance in a 4 seater Cessna biplane.

Although it does seem a bit over the top for a visit to Suffolk, I must say I'm quite looking forward to the flight. I'll be able to look down from the skies and spy on all my loyal minions (and perhaps more importantly, my not so loyal ones).

Meanwhile I should probably be in bed, but I'm not. That's mostly because I'm playing Forza.

OK, I admit it, I just lied. I'm not playing Forza, I'm writing a blog post. but I was playing and now I'm going to play some more.

Seeya tomorrow kids (look up)

Where do the weekends go?

Here I am on another Sunday evening wondering what happened to my weekend and why there's suddenly none of it left. They say time flies when you're having fun; maybe that's why it seems to be Monday morning as soon as you get used to it being Friday afternoon.

Anyway. It's been a good weekend at least.

Friday was a chance to see Cresswell's new house for the first time as he was hosting a fire party. It was a reasonably quiet night except for some idiot deciding to jump over the fire a few times, thinking he was dead clever. I got to drive down in a lovely car which isn't mine, and probably never will be ?

On Saturday I went to the gym. I joined up again a couple of weeks ago when I realised I'd gained over a stone and a half in the space of 2 months. So off I went on Saturday to row a few miles, because rowing is how the cool kids work out. By the time I lose this weight I'm destined to be an Olympic rowing champion.

But then came the main event of Saturday, as 2pm rolled by and it was time for the first barbecue of 2010! Things started off slowly and at first there were only 4 of us for a while, sat there thinking "well this is crap" but before long the guests began to arrive and before you know it things were in full swing.

Fast forward a few hours, everything was going fine and food had been flying off left right and centre as the place got more and more packed. By this time the back garden was heaving and inside was full of people too. Suddenly some cheese slices mysteriously landed on my spare bedroom window and the surrounding wall. Was this a giant cheese-shitting pigeon? No, it was a bunch of cocks who thought it would be hilarious to throw it everywhere. It wasn't.

Following me kicking off and subsequent cleanup of the cheese there was also a fiasco involving Colonel Mustard which was when things got really ugly!

Somebody was asked to leave, and a few others left too, but all in all drama was dealt with quickly by my swift hand of justice. I'm like a superhero.

The partying went on into the night, and even later for some, i.e. Shaun and Sean who were still up watching basketball pornos at 11am, bless 'em!

Eventually Sunday rolled by and we awoke to be greeted by an aftermath scene like something out of Skins, and nobody to help clean up. Bugger. But no worries because we had other things on our mind – Sunday was the day we had booked to go view new houses! Awesome!

We jumped in the batmobile mazda and headed off to Pleasley to view our potential new house, which, incidentally, is a layout that was designed by none other than Tim Burton. We were let loose with the keys and allowed to view it alone, so of course we scheduled another party. Shamefully nobody turned up this time so we just had to wander around looking at walls and floors instead.

Back home we went and after a hardcore cleaning session, that was the end of my fun weekend.

Next weekend I have not nearly as much partying planned, but it should be fun nonetheless as I am expecting to finally get my Xbox back, in fully working condition, after it being broken for 4 months!

Watch out kids 'cause once I get back on Xbox live you're all in for a whoopin!

The puzzle

The eternal debate. Is this a tomato or an orange? Answers on a postcard.

Or a comment...

February time

As these blogs are becoming quite routinely one-per-month, it seems fitting to name them after their months. That, and I'm far too lazy to attempt a witty blog title.

It wouldn't be funny, anyway.

Today has been valentines day. I am, as most of men in the UK, one of the growing crowd of people painfully aware that it's a bullshit holiday created by the greeting card industry. Nonetheless we're stuck going along with it until we can get the ladies on board with the rebellion.

Last weekend, in comparison, I shook off the femininity of my house to go watch the Stags-Gateshead game. Watching a football game feels so manly. The testosterone flowed so strongly that I walked out with a rather long beard that wasn't there as I entered.

For the last month I have had Fridays off work, for no reason other than I had some holidays to use up. While I do enjoy my job, to varying degrees depending on which way the wind blows, the regular time to myself has given me the perfect chance to brush up on my nunchaku, which has recently proven extremely useful. Not to go into too much detail on here - as it's public - but suffice to say when an intruder broke in the other night we didn't need Dogbot to defend the place.

Alas I have no more Fridays off so the black belt will just have to wait. Also, I'm going to be a bit preoccupied for a while, as I've got to find some time to create a website about stuffing bears....

Of new years and new starts, and as many other cliches as I can squeeze into a blog post

Here I am once again starting a blog with the thought "I should do this more often". I seem to have averaged out about a blog a month over the latter half of 2009 and I would love to say that blogging more is going to be one of my new years resolutions.

I would love to say it, but I can't. Because it won't.

Truth be told, I'm don't have any new years resolutions, and that's not completely because I'm not a tool, it's also because... well, ok, it's just because I'm not a tool.

As for 2009 in hindsight, it was very much a year of two halves. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness... Wait - what the Dickens am I on about?

At the top end of 2009 I was still banned from driving, I was jobless and skint, miserably single, and still living with my parents, one of whom was seriously ill and didn't have long left to live. Obviously this was all a bit shit to be honest, so the year didn't start so well and it took a big turn for the worse when Mum died in February and I hit rock bottom.

But don't worry cause this blog post isn't all doom and gloom. Y'see, after that things started to look up. I mean, sure, my Mum had just died and I was feeling pretty shit about that but the show must go on, so I started to patch my life back together.

Now, fast forward 12 months and things have changed. I got my driving licence back ages ago now, and I have a job - and a good one at that, one I'm very happy in, and I have my own house, where I live with my wonderful girlfriend Hayley (and the DogBot) and things are looking pretty good right now, to be honest. Oh, and I now rock at solving a Rubik's cube.

Nonetheless I'm not satisfied with things yet. Sure, I've got it pretty neato at the moment, but things can always be better and that's what I'm going to make sure happens in 2010.

Targets for 2010 (note: I said targets, not resolutions):

• Hayley and I are looking to stop wasting money on renting this house, and buy somewhere instead. And we're hoping to get a newbuild which would be awesome.
• I'm looking forward to getting a new car in the fairly-near future. My old Escort Estate is on its last legs so I'm really ready for an upgrade. I've been looking at new cars as recently as yesterday and I've aranged to go view/test drive one next week so watch this space!
• Get my 1-years no claims bonus on my car insurance so I don't have to keep paying ridiculous amounts of money for insurance.
• To again attempt what I miserably failed at last year, training for and running the Mansfield Half Marathon in June
  

But I'm in no rush for any of that stuff to happen and I'm happy to leave it for now, 'cause I got a bed to get to...

Night kids.

La gra go deo. Or something.

Friday 13th

Today I have realised that you don't have to believe in something for it to affect you. Just as nutjobs who don't believe in evolution did, nontheless, evolve from primates, whether they like it or not; Likewise, I have been smited by the wrath of Friday 13th today, regardless of not beliving in superstitions.

I shall, however, be looking to improve the day's events from here on in, starting with high levels of productivity at work, leading to a clear run on the drive home, culminating happily in a Crown Street bash.

So wish me luck, my friends, as I head into the unknown void that is the remainder of Friday the 13th. I take with me a sword of silver and a vial of the holiest water available (Volvic), with my valiant steed I ride (my Ford Escort Estate) to fight the dark paths that lay ahead.

You know you're tired when...

You know you're tired when you see the headline A Billionaire Clowns Around In Space and you get excited because you think it says "Billionaire Clowns In Space".

You know you're even more tired when you start to think to yourself "but, how would they juggle..." before you realise you've misread it, and the whole mental adventure was one big anticlimax.

Speaking of anti-climaxes, the Forza 3 demo that I've been awaiting for months, was decidedly pants. The graphics and gameplay were great, but come on, 5 cars and 1 track? LAME!

Why is it that when somebody offers the whole office a drink, and they take your mug away to make you one (alone with others), they always seem to bring you a drink back in an entirely different mug?

--

.... Well, at least they could never fall off the tightrope...

Of new beginnings and time between

My life has taken a move rather toward the better recently. I now no longer work at a major Anti-Virus company and as of Monday I start my new job as Operations Manager for a high-growth online retailer. My excitement dwindled, however, when I learnt that "Operations Manager" does not mean "surgeon". Rats!

Meanwhile I have no work to go to tomorrow and will enjoy a day off. Unfortunately, due to me not being a homeless bum all my friends will be at work so I'll have nobody to play with. If you have no plans tomorrow and would like to offer to be my play friend, please apply within!

To celebrate not having to be up early tomorrow Stuart and I and myself and Stuart have been out for a random drive. From the Wuthering Heights of Newark to the Sunny Side of Ripley, on to the Delightful Dales of Derbyshire, we've had adventures including, but of course not limited to, visiting the home of Amber FM, running over rabbits, racing Clios past fatal RTAs, getting pulled over by the pigs, and driving up the biggest and longest hill in the UNIVERSE.

Now I'm signing off, as downstairs I have pumpkin bread (courtesy of Stuart), chocolate cake (courtesy of Rhiannon), and mince pies (courtesy of Tesco), all waiting to be munched upon.

Right, where was I?

January. It was January 2nd when I got my driving licence back, after 9 long, hard months spent on foot or behind the handlebars of a GT Aggressor, while serving a driving ban.

That's right kids, I fought the law and the law won.

So I learnt my lesson. Or did I?

June. It was June 13th that I lost my temper for the first time in a few years and ended up committing the assault that, inevitably, led to a 100-hour community service order.

So come see me, Sunday morning at a public park near you. I'll be the guy wearing a yellow carnation, a top hat, and a "community payback" hi-viz. Be there or be square!

Anyway, aside from my underground criminal activities by night, as you all know I'm a mild mannered office worker by day. Inbetween the two I come home to Hayley and Dogbot, usually to find one of them making a mess in the kitchen and the other one licking their own body parts, and, to be honest, which one is which varies every day.

I should probably be upstairs in bed, to be honest I only came downstairs to check out a noise in my pajamas. What a stray noise was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know!

In a few weeks when I've got through this month of mega bills, I am going to begin living the dream. My life will never be quite the same again, after it undergoes the transformation. That's right, no longer will I be David Swinstead, Loser.... from then onwards I will become, David swinstead... Guy With A Bar In His Cellar!

That's a really bad name for a superhero.

Moi!