The Apprentice is hotting up!

I wonder how many blog posts get titled "Another day, another dollar" every Monday morning. Today, however is different because it's a bank holiday week so we all get to whine about being back to work a day later than usual. Yay!

As if that weren't enough to throw off my weekly clock, to make matters worse this weeks Apprentice is tonight, Tuesday, rather than the usual Wednesday - so instead of having to wait for midweek I'll see it on the first day of work. It'll be weird.

I am nontheless looking forward to it, things are really starting to hot up in the house as the numbers dwindle. Let's take a look at who's left - because yes, I really do have that much spare time at work.

Helene Speight
Ugly butch woman, who likes to have a go at Lucinda. Hasn't thus far been spotted doing much else, in fact. At some point as a baby her parents misspelled her name Helen on something-or-other official and she's been stuck with it ever since.

Michael Sophocles
Annoying whiny faux jewish boy. Kiss-ass to Alan Sugar who should've been fired after getting a Muslin market seller to bless a chicken to make it kosher.

Them two are mostly useless.

Lucinda Ledgerwood
Hippy nutjob who likes to wear berets and other equally ridiculous clothing. Good at bossing folk around but doesn't do much herself. Too old.

Claire Young
Gobby. Rude. Fat. But oddly likable. Apparently nicknamed Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants. I thought it was more because of her face, to be fair.

Alex Wotherspoon
One of the favourites to win, Alex has ended up in the boardroom a copious amount of times desptie having never really cocked up yet. Needs a hair cut.

Lee McQueen
My personal favourite to win, Lee is a cockney legend who likes to refer to himself in third person. Famous quotes include "Lee McQueen is fucking concerned!" and "I'm buzzing...let's go sell some more knickers!"

The smart money is on Claire or Alex I think. I'd bet a tenner with anyone who'd take me up on it that Michael gets fired tonight.

And in the meantime I've got bugger all else to do but sit here at my desk bored...

The aftermath

Getting my nose broken is not much fun. Spending my birthday in A&E isn't either. Currently in vast amounts of pain.

ouch

Shoulda seen the other guy

I save lives

Girl music

They may be a girly band who make girly music. For girls. But nontheless I'm currently finding The Ting Tings incredibly catchy. I liked 2007s Fruit Machine, the last single Great DJ was really good and the new one That's Not My Name I like even more.

And talking about them gives me a great excuse to post this picture of the lovely singer Katie.

Why democracy will always fail

I'm not a capitalist, I'm not a communist, I'm not a facist, I'm not a socialist, and I'm certainly not an anarchist.

When it comes to social ideologies, democracy would at first seem to be the lesser of many worse evils. But people, I am here to tell you that it is wrong and I will explain why.

First you must watch this video.



That song, my friends, is the soon-to-be-released single by Scooter, from their current UK number 1 album Jumping All Over The World.

Now Scooter's album has reached number 1, we know that the system has failed. The common vote can no longer be trusted.

Denounce democracy today, we must act now to stop further attrocities!

24 rocks

Yesterday I suddenly realised I have 3 entire box-sets of 24 unwatched! So my Sunday was spent in the excellent company of Mr Jack Bauer, saving the world, one hour at a time.

I'm sucked in now. The next week or so of my life will be spent fighting international terrorism and maintaining national security. This time next week I will have convinced myself I'm a total badass just like Jack.

Apologies in advance to anyone I shoot.

Waterslides at barbecues aren't much fun at all are they

Why I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I was at the cinema last night watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I loved it, and do you wanna know why?

Was it the excellent acting from Jason Segel? The brilliant comedy from Russel Brand? The perfect balance of humour and sentimentality? The great script from Segel?

No mate, it was none of them. One word: Kristin Bell




But that's not all there was also the equally lovely Mila Kunis.




I spent most of the film struggling to decide which one I wanted to have sex with more, until I realised I was overlooking the totally obvious answer - threesome!

Hot girls - I need to know more!

Right ladies listen up 'cos I've had about enough of this.

When I'm looking at your facebook profile, it's because I saw your photo and decided I wanna sex you, or at least that I needed to see more and bigger photos to decide I wanna sex you.

But know that I am not the shallow man most take me for. I am, contrary to popular belief, a caring and sensitive individual, who ALWAYS has sex with women for their personality, not just their titties. Well ladies I can't be judging you on your personality, or lack thereof, when your facebook says "oh hell if you're reading this you already know me".

No I don't fucking already know you! It's fucking facebook!

And the even worse ones are the ones that say "Just ask me whatever you want to know"

Well what I want to fucking know, the million dollar question I would like to ask you, is what you would put on a facebook profile if you were to sum yourself up as briefly as possible. CAN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU FUCKING CUNT?

And in conclusion - sorry ladies but you just talked yourself out of my sex.

But you were probably minging anyway.

Bank holiday

Bank holiday weekend was great. Another one soon? Yes please

Up and Downs

My beloved Stags are no longer a league football team - boo!

My boss is off for the next fortnight so I'm in charge - woot!

It's only 6 days after payday and I've got £0.30 in my bank - boo!

It's summer all of a sudden - woot!

boowootboowoot

No money.... Aaarghh!

I can't draw my wages out from the bank because i've not used my card for so long that i've forgotten my PIN. It's going to take the bank 5 working days to get my new PIN to me through the post. GAY!

Cabin Fever

I'm not talking about the awful Horror film from a few years ago when I say Cabin Fever is shit

I've been mostly unable to go out all month due to severe funding problems. At long last, tomorrow those problems will be solved for another month. Or more likely, just for a few days until I blow all my wages on junk and being disorderly.

Through circumstances that still baffle me somewhat I seem to have found myself pretty much homeless. Not only is this odd in itself, but even odder is that this is becoming a fairly regular state for me.

Now, the two paragraphs above seem to go well together. I'm now homeless, and I'm also about to get paid.

2 + 2 = ?

That's right kiddies, Swinstead is looking to rent himself a new place to live. I can just about afford to rent a place to myself but I'd be eternally skint so I'm in the market for a housemate. So is anyone ready to fly from under the wing of their parents? Or perhaps anyone just graduating uni and needing their own place? Or even anyone living with a prick at the moment and wanting to move?

Answers on a postcard!

The idea of this post was that after briefly mentioning my housemate search, I would meander back onto the primary topic of the blog. Having completed stage 1 of the plan I now have the problem of having forgotten the primary topic of the blog - henceforth to be known as the PTOB.

I'm still without my driving license for 8 months and it's not starting to get to me. I may have gone crazy before the ban runs out.

Last week I had the luckiest bag of skittles ever. All matched. You know.

Priest vanishes on helium based adventure

In the news today, Brazillian RC priest Father Adelir de Carli has vanished offshore in an attempt to break the world record for longest helium filled balloon flight.

He filled up hundreds of balloons with ACME helium and set off for the skies. Crowds say it was a miraculous sight to behold as Father de Carli floated towards his employer, not knowing at the time that he was never to be seen again.

Father Carli sent radio messages to say that he was losing height late on Sunday and by this morning - Wednesday - a rescue operation had instantly jumped into action.

As well as his GPS and satellite phone, he was equipped with a buoyant chair and a scuba-tank propelled underwater jet pack. He is also an experienced skydiver and crocodile tamer.

Planes and helicopters of the Brazilian air force as well as boats of the Brazilian navy are searching off the coast of Santa Catarina state, where pieces of balloons were found on a beach. The site is said to have resembled a ghost circus.

Searchers had previously swooped in on several outdoor childrens birthday parties looking for Father Carli, having spotted the balloons from above.

Father Carli was hoping to raise money to fund a rest stop for lorry drivers.

The Roman Catholic church has released a statement stating "The Lord works in mysterious ways. As do nutters with helium balloons"

Full story on BBC news...
(My version mostly made up)

This is me doing pensive. It's also me being bored and playing around with a mobile blogging camera phone.

Yes

I lost the game

Sorry guys.

How come wood can get wet, as of course can trees, and not be ruined, but paper - which is essentially just really thin wood - disintegrates when wet?


This and more questions answered next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

I am a passenger

Adjusting to life as a passenger makes you realise just how shit a lot of other people's driving is. Except Lizz who's driving I have to be nice about cos she gives me lifts to my mum's house to wash my skidmark inhabited boxers in her kitchen sink. Haha whoops! And of course the other reason I have to be nice about her driving is because it's awesome.

Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

Wednesday nights down Mansfield, now known as legendairy. I'm lactose intolerant though.

I'm on my arse today though, had not much more than 3 hours sleep and I've got a full day at work to get through. Wish me luck.

I shot the Sheriff

I fought the law and the law won.

That's 1-0 so far you bastard boys in blue but soon I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my driving license. And you will know I am Swinstead when I lay my vengeance upon you.

I'll get you next time gadget!

So fuck, yeah, I can't drive for 9 months. Bloody good job, then, that I just got a 360 and Stu just got a PS3, I'm gonna need them to get me through these long months staying at home. Along with The Apprentice which is BACK!

Wellington Flinging - how and why did that start up?

That's all folks.