A change is gonna come

Well here I am writing a blog for the first time in months. Last time I did this was before my birthday back in May, when I was suddenly rather taken by the idea of buying posh spoons.

Well. I'm sorry to keep you all waiting on tenterhooks since then, holding your breath for an update, but you'll all be glad to find out at last that the posh spoons are still in very good condition and have lasted longer than all the cheap ones we bought before. Hurrah!

Meanwhile, as several months have passed by, things have changed. First of all we moved house back in June. Or July. Or something.

The move was fairly painless thanks to the Mansfield removals company we used. Plus, having moved house far more often than I'm happy about, I'm now pretty good at moving house!

Here's Hayley enjoying our new house the night we got the keys and started moving things in. It doesn't look like that any more though, it has more furniture in it now. Duh. It's much bigger and nicer than our last house, it's in a better location, and best of all the landlord and house owner are kanine-friendly so DogBot isn't going to be getting us in any more trouble.

Secondly I got myself a new car which has changed my life quite a bit. The old Escort had an extremely reliable engine but other than that it was starting to fall apart and the maintenance bills were getting higher and higher, not to mention the shitty MPG costing me a fortune in fuel, so it had to go.
After securing the finance for it I shopped around for about 3 years, viewed about a thousand cars, and test drive what seemed like several hundred different models before eventually buying my new baby, Marina the Corsa.

While a Corsa is pretty hard to get excited about, the choice was made a no-brainer thanks to competetive pricing, high MPG, low insurance, virtually no road tax and Vauxhall's reliable build. It was a really nice drive too which was really the clincher.

Since I last posted we've also been on holiday! We booked a 3 days break in Krakow, Poland, for no reason other than we walked past the travel agents and the poster in the window was advertising a really cheap offer. The time between booking it and going flew by and before you know it there we were in Krakow soaking up the atmosphere, and of course, the beer!

We made sure to visit nearby Auschwitz because I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. But other than that rather morose trip it was a really gun holiday where we made lots of friends, had some wacky adventures, got some stories to tell, and drank a lot of beer (did I mention that already?).

And that pit-stop tour of the last few months brings us all up to date to now: a very snowy December 1st. Christmas is right around the corner but if you look out of the Window you'll believe it's here already. Here in Mansfield we've had tons and tons of it fall in the last 48 hours, the conditions are completely bonkers. Everybody is snowed in, pretty much nobody has gone to work anywhere. But, having a job I can do from a PC anywhere, I have to sit here at my desk and work from home. Boo!

That's all for now kids. Ta-ta.

Oh and points to anyone who spotted the Sam Cooke reference

Cinco de Mayo, Iron Man 2, and Posh Spoons

Over the last month or so I've turned into a right calorie counting, fat-weighing fag. My eating habits have improved so much, but at the risk of me being killed by the next person who hears me moan about how much salt is in my BLT.

I haven't been drinking much recently either. Alcohol is empty calories, you see. Swinkle knows these things. Tonight however, is different. Tonight I'm up late playing DJ Hero and sinking a few beers to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo, for those not in the know, is a Mexican national holiday, which is based on an unlikely victory of the Mexican army in some century too long ago to matter. But for the rest of us it's just a fairly obscure excuse to drink and party with anyone else who may know what it means. It's like Mexico's very own St Patrick's Day.

Tonight Hayley and I went to see Iron Man 2. It was ok, not as good as the first one. That's about as much of a review as you'll get out of me.

Then we went to Sainsburys for some stuff, and to hang out at the Nissan Micra party in the car park that we'd said we'd go to.

While there we bought posh new teaspoons. The reason for this is mainly bercause we ran out of teaspoons. But the reason we specifically bought the expensive ones is because apparently I'm old now. You see, there's a certain stage in your developing maturity, where you're no longer happy to have Sainsbury's basics, Tesco value and ASDA price in your house. So now I have posh spoons and I feel like an adult.

Now I'm going to go and moan about the weather and how it was always better in my day, and to bore the young'uns with stories about how, when I was a lad, I used to have to walk 15 miles to work at the pit, carrying a donkey on my back.

Still April

What's this, two posts in the same month? I must have been snorting pro plus in the moonlight! Or something that makes sense.

Tomorrow I'm going on a business meeting with the Big Boss and our Head of Sales to meet our newest suppliers. What's unusual about this meeting above others is that rather than driving there, we'll be flying the distance in a 4 seater Cessna biplane.

Although it does seem a bit over the top for a visit to Suffolk, I must say I'm quite looking forward to the flight. I'll be able to look down from the skies and spy on all my loyal minions (and perhaps more importantly, my not so loyal ones).

Meanwhile I should probably be in bed, but I'm not. That's mostly because I'm playing Forza.

OK, I admit it, I just lied. I'm not playing Forza, I'm writing a blog post. but I was playing and now I'm going to play some more.

Seeya tomorrow kids (look up)

Where do the weekends go?

Here I am on another Sunday evening wondering what happened to my weekend and why there's suddenly none of it left. They say time flies when you're having fun; maybe that's why it seems to be Monday morning as soon as you get used to it being Friday afternoon.

Anyway. It's been a good weekend at least.

Friday was a chance to see Cresswell's new house for the first time as he was hosting a fire party. It was a reasonably quiet night except for some idiot deciding to jump over the fire a few times, thinking he was dead clever. I got to drive down in a lovely car which isn't mine, and probably never will be ?

On Saturday I went to the gym. I joined up again a couple of weeks ago when I realised I'd gained over a stone and a half in the space of 2 months. So off I went on Saturday to row a few miles, because rowing is how the cool kids work out. By the time I lose this weight I'm destined to be an Olympic rowing champion.

But then came the main event of Saturday, as 2pm rolled by and it was time for the first barbecue of 2010! Things started off slowly and at first there were only 4 of us for a while, sat there thinking "well this is crap" but before long the guests began to arrive and before you know it things were in full swing.

Fast forward a few hours, everything was going fine and food had been flying off left right and centre as the place got more and more packed. By this time the back garden was heaving and inside was full of people too. Suddenly some cheese slices mysteriously landed on my spare bedroom window and the surrounding wall. Was this a giant cheese-shitting pigeon? No, it was a bunch of cocks who thought it would be hilarious to throw it everywhere. It wasn't.

Following me kicking off and subsequent cleanup of the cheese there was also a fiasco involving Colonel Mustard which was when things got really ugly!

Somebody was asked to leave, and a few others left too, but all in all drama was dealt with quickly by my swift hand of justice. I'm like a superhero.

The partying went on into the night, and even later for some, i.e. Shaun and Sean who were still up watching basketball pornos at 11am, bless 'em!

Eventually Sunday rolled by and we awoke to be greeted by an aftermath scene like something out of Skins, and nobody to help clean up. Bugger. But no worries because we had other things on our mind – Sunday was the day we had booked to go view new houses! Awesome!

We jumped in the batmobile mazda and headed off to Pleasley to view our potential new house, which, incidentally, is a layout that was designed by none other than Tim Burton. We were let loose with the keys and allowed to view it alone, so of course we scheduled another party. Shamefully nobody turned up this time so we just had to wander around looking at walls and floors instead.

Back home we went and after a hardcore cleaning session, that was the end of my fun weekend.

Next weekend I have not nearly as much partying planned, but it should be fun nonetheless as I am expecting to finally get my Xbox back, in fully working condition, after it being broken for 4 months!

Watch out kids 'cause once I get back on Xbox live you're all in for a whoopin!

The puzzle

The eternal debate. Is this a tomato or an orange? Answers on a postcard.

Or a comment...

February time

As these blogs are becoming quite routinely one-per-month, it seems fitting to name them after their months. That, and I'm far too lazy to attempt a witty blog title.

It wouldn't be funny, anyway.

Today has been valentines day. I am, as most of men in the UK, one of the growing crowd of people painfully aware that it's a bullshit holiday created by the greeting card industry. Nonetheless we're stuck going along with it until we can get the ladies on board with the rebellion.

Last weekend, in comparison, I shook off the femininity of my house to go watch the Stags-Gateshead game. Watching a football game feels so manly. The testosterone flowed so strongly that I walked out with a rather long beard that wasn't there as I entered.

For the last month I have had Fridays off work, for no reason other than I had some holidays to use up. While I do enjoy my job, to varying degrees depending on which way the wind blows, the regular time to myself has given me the perfect chance to brush up on my nunchaku, which has recently proven extremely useful. Not to go into too much detail on here - as it's public - but suffice to say when an intruder broke in the other night we didn't need Dogbot to defend the place.

Alas I have no more Fridays off so the black belt will just have to wait. Also, I'm going to be a bit preoccupied for a while, as I've got to find some time to create a website about stuffing bears....

Of new years and new starts, and as many other cliches as I can squeeze into a blog post

Here I am once again starting a blog with the thought "I should do this more often". I seem to have averaged out about a blog a month over the latter half of 2009 and I would love to say that blogging more is going to be one of my new years resolutions.

I would love to say it, but I can't. Because it won't.

Truth be told, I'm don't have any new years resolutions, and that's not completely because I'm not a tool, it's also because... well, ok, it's just because I'm not a tool.

As for 2009 in hindsight, it was very much a year of two halves. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness... Wait - what the Dickens am I on about?

At the top end of 2009 I was still banned from driving, I was jobless and skint, miserably single, and still living with my parents, one of whom was seriously ill and didn't have long left to live. Obviously this was all a bit shit to be honest, so the year didn't start so well and it took a big turn for the worse when Mum died in February and I hit rock bottom.

But don't worry cause this blog post isn't all doom and gloom. Y'see, after that things started to look up. I mean, sure, my Mum had just died and I was feeling pretty shit about that but the show must go on, so I started to patch my life back together.

Now, fast forward 12 months and things have changed. I got my driving licence back ages ago now, and I have a job - and a good one at that, one I'm very happy in, and I have my own house, where I live with my wonderful girlfriend Hayley (and the DogBot) and things are looking pretty good right now, to be honest. Oh, and I now rock at solving a Rubik's cube.

Nonetheless I'm not satisfied with things yet. Sure, I've got it pretty neato at the moment, but things can always be better and that's what I'm going to make sure happens in 2010.

Targets for 2010 (note: I said targets, not resolutions):

• Hayley and I are looking to stop wasting money on renting this house, and buy somewhere instead. And we're hoping to get a newbuild which would be awesome.
• I'm looking forward to getting a new car in the fairly-near future. My old Escort Estate is on its last legs so I'm really ready for an upgrade. I've been looking at new cars as recently as yesterday and I've aranged to go view/test drive one next week so watch this space!
• Get my 1-years no claims bonus on my car insurance so I don't have to keep paying ridiculous amounts of money for insurance.
• To again attempt what I miserably failed at last year, training for and running the Mansfield Half Marathon in June
  

But I'm in no rush for any of that stuff to happen and I'm happy to leave it for now, 'cause I got a bed to get to...

Night kids.

La gra go deo. Or something.

Friday 13th

Today I have realised that you don't have to believe in something for it to affect you. Just as nutjobs who don't believe in evolution did, nontheless, evolve from primates, whether they like it or not; Likewise, I have been smited by the wrath of Friday 13th today, regardless of not beliving in superstitions.

I shall, however, be looking to improve the day's events from here on in, starting with high levels of productivity at work, leading to a clear run on the drive home, culminating happily in a Crown Street bash.

So wish me luck, my friends, as I head into the unknown void that is the remainder of Friday the 13th. I take with me a sword of silver and a vial of the holiest water available (Volvic), with my valiant steed I ride (my Ford Escort Estate) to fight the dark paths that lay ahead.

You know you're tired when...

You know you're tired when you see the headline A Billionaire Clowns Around In Space and you get excited because you think it says "Billionaire Clowns In Space".

You know you're even more tired when you start to think to yourself "but, how would they juggle..." before you realise you've misread it, and the whole mental adventure was one big anticlimax.

Speaking of anti-climaxes, the Forza 3 demo that I've been awaiting for months, was decidedly pants. The graphics and gameplay were great, but come on, 5 cars and 1 track? LAME!

Why is it that when somebody offers the whole office a drink, and they take your mug away to make you one (alone with others), they always seem to bring you a drink back in an entirely different mug?

--

.... Well, at least they could never fall off the tightrope...

Of new beginnings and time between

My life has taken a move rather toward the better recently. I now no longer work at a major Anti-Virus company and as of Monday I start my new job as Operations Manager for a high-growth online retailer. My excitement dwindled, however, when I learnt that "Operations Manager" does not mean "surgeon". Rats!

Meanwhile I have no work to go to tomorrow and will enjoy a day off. Unfortunately, due to me not being a homeless bum all my friends will be at work so I'll have nobody to play with. If you have no plans tomorrow and would like to offer to be my play friend, please apply within!

To celebrate not having to be up early tomorrow Stuart and I and myself and Stuart have been out for a random drive. From the Wuthering Heights of Newark to the Sunny Side of Ripley, on to the Delightful Dales of Derbyshire, we've had adventures including, but of course not limited to, visiting the home of Amber FM, running over rabbits, racing Clios past fatal RTAs, getting pulled over by the pigs, and driving up the biggest and longest hill in the UNIVERSE.

Now I'm signing off, as downstairs I have pumpkin bread (courtesy of Stuart), chocolate cake (courtesy of Rhiannon), and mince pies (courtesy of Tesco), all waiting to be munched upon.

Right, where was I?

January. It was January 2nd when I got my driving licence back, after 9 long, hard months spent on foot or behind the handlebars of a GT Aggressor, while serving a driving ban.

That's right kids, I fought the law and the law won.

So I learnt my lesson. Or did I?

June. It was June 13th that I lost my temper for the first time in a few years and ended up committing the assault that, inevitably, led to a 100-hour community service order.

So come see me, Sunday morning at a public park near you. I'll be the guy wearing a yellow carnation, a top hat, and a "community payback" hi-viz. Be there or be square!

Anyway, aside from my underground criminal activities by night, as you all know I'm a mild mannered office worker by day. Inbetween the two I come home to Hayley and Dogbot, usually to find one of them making a mess in the kitchen and the other one licking their own body parts, and, to be honest, which one is which varies every day.

I should probably be upstairs in bed, to be honest I only came downstairs to check out a noise in my pajamas. What a stray noise was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know!

In a few weeks when I've got through this month of mega bills, I am going to begin living the dream. My life will never be quite the same again, after it undergoes the transformation. That's right, no longer will I be David Swinstead, Loser.... from then onwards I will become, David swinstead... Guy With A Bar In His Cellar!

That's a really bad name for a superhero.

Moi!

Of lazy weekends, only part through necessity

While my first half of 2009 was distinctly sub par, it has definitely started picking up in time for the mid point.

Things that have changed since the beginning of the year: I can drive again. I have a job. I am no longer in huge amounts of debt (barely any at all in fact, as of today). I have a great girlfriend.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Of all things

A week ago I started my new job. It's in Newark which means a bit of a trek every day but at least I get to spend 45 minutes in a morning going over my top 25 favourite x-men. In the evenings as I drive home I like to ponder how I would escape from the jaws of a blood-crazed shark... Which is really a waste of time because OBVIOUSLY I would just use my ninja karate judo madskills.

While getting up early in the mornings is going to take some getting used to, it is certainly a refreshing change to once again have a reason to wear trousers at some point during each day. I will, however, miss the ability to put in some hardcore xbox hours with no more pressing obligations.

In other news, Dogbot and I had fun at the park today.

The most fun you can eat for 45p

Most recently I have spent my days:

• Being mauled in my sleep by an over-friendly labrador and a hyper staffy.
• Putting in some hours in the vain hope of finally seeing an Xbox game through to completion.
• Avoiding college work, in an attempt to continue my life long habit as a filthy dropout.
  
• Hunting around ASDA for cheap bread produce, failing, and instead attempting to get the best possible use out of 45p.

For the record, the best use of 45p in ASDA is two tins of 17p soup and a 10p bag of Haribo Fangtastics, and you get 1p change!

Trebuchet

We finished it! It fires well over ten times it's own length which is pretty cool. Next project is to make one WAY bigger, like 5 or 6 feet tall :D

Dammit

Why is nobody ever around to see it when the really cool stuff happens to me? I have to tell people and it's just not the same!

Get sweded

Ida Maria, it turns out, is really pretty strange looking. But it's ok, we'll her off, because she has 2 first names.

Today I am currently sheeping my way down the motorway, being unique, same as everybody else.

Why is rising damp treatment made to look like a remarkably futuristic phallus? In 30 years girls will be buying this stuff from Anne Summers and trying to figure out where to put the batteries.

Green Fingers

I bought some seeds for cabbage, broccoli, carrots, lettuce and tomatoes. Then I raked and sieved soil into seed trays. Then I added miracle gro and water.

Fast-forward 3 months and I will have stacks of free food. Awesomes.

In other news, I went into college today and spoke with my course co-ordinator V. That's not me using a codeword to hide her identity or anything, she really goes by the name V. So anyway it turns out I can still be at college despite not having turned up since before Christmas and having missed a few deadlines, which is great so now I have to get my arse into gear and catch up with some work.

In other other news, tonight I shall be spending some time in the company of Jack Bauer. I missed you Jack, sorry I've been away from you for so long.

Kit Kats rock.

Somtimes you have to make it happen yourself

A man is at home one day when he hears on the radio a warning of torrential rain, which will cause horrendous floods like never seen before. The town is evacuated but when they come to escort him away the man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods".

The next day the water is 3 feet deep all across town and a neighbour comes to the man's house in a boat and says "Hey Buddy, come with me in my boat and be safe."

The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the neighbour shrugs and sails on by.

The next day the flood water is 5 feet deep and the man is almost drowning, when a rescue helicopter flies overhead and a voice shouts down to him "Sir, let us throw down a ladder for you, come with us and be safe"

The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the helicopter pilot shrugs and they fly away.

The next day when the man has drowned and is in heaven he says to God "Lord, did I not love you enough? Did I not lead my life well enough for you? Why didn't you save me?"

The Lord shakes his head at the man and says "I sent you a warning message, a boat and a helicopter, what exactly were you waiting for my child?"

--

Sometimes you have to make it happen yourself.