Put a donk on it

Cheap redbull.
The Macarena.
Bellies out.
Put a donk on it.
Put a donk on it.
Put a donk on it.

Today has been a good day.

Swinstead is dead.
Long live Swinstead.

Getting there. I think.

I'm trying to decide whether I'm going anywhere with my life.

I always feel like I'm getting there, like I'm working towards the things I want. But I never get to where I want to be.

It's not that I don't achieve my goals; I do. It's more that the goals I aim for are the wrong ones.

I can't find the right ones.

I'm looking, though. I feel like the time is right not to achieve my goals in life, but at least to find out what they are.

It's ineffable.

It's a project.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's greased lightning.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Suave

Yes. That will be all.

Asia Argento

Here's the most concise Asia Argento biograpghy I could find:

Asia Argento writes stories and novels, directs music videos, documentaries, and feature films, and appears in movies, sometimes with her clothes on.

None of which I care much about, I just like her because she has the sexiest tattoo ever, as you can see in this specially blogsafe edited pic.

Awesome.

I need a new job

I've been looking at houses to rent or buy and the conclusion i've come to is i need a new job. I like my job so it's a shame but it just doesn't pay enough for me to comfortably be able to get my own flat.

I could ask for a raise but it wouldn't be a big one because it's not a high paying industry, for example my boss who was 20 years experience and is the manager of all the company operations only gets paid about £5k more than i do.

So i'm currently accepting job offers, send them on a postcard or with a self addressed envelope to Swinstead for president, PO box 123456.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Here's to another blurry weekend

I woke up to find this on my arm this morning with no initial recollection of the story behind it. Perhaps that's a sign i drink too much.

Tennis sucks

R-fed and namibia are supposedly the two best tennis players in the world. So why then can they not even get a decent rally going? This is such a shit game to watch.

Hour and a half to go

Oh i've been working all week i'm tired.
Yea i've been working all week and i'm
just livin for the weekend.

Hey hey.
Got some money i just got paid.
Got some money and i can't wait.
At six o'clock i'm out of here.

Out there tonight is the night of my last got my name on.
Run down the street adidas on my feet, i'm on fire.

Working all the time.
Work is such a bind.
Got some money to spend.
Livin for the weekend.

When it gets too much i live for the rush.
Got some money to spend.
Livin for the weekend.

Oh man!
Yea i've been workin all week i'm shot.
Yea i've been workin all week for what?
Just livin for the weekend.
Ah shit!

The Swinkle Cycle

As I have a habit of doing, I've been spending time recently analysing every aspect of my life.

This is partly because I have nothing better to do but moreover because I just think too much. You wouldn't think the latter to be true - largely because the things I usually think about are if I had a miner bird I'd train it to say 'sorry, it was me' every time I farted, not the most intellectual of meandering thought trains - but nontheless I've been thinkign and have realised that my social life is in a constantly progressing cycle.

The cycle starts at ... well, it doesn't start anywhere, it's a cycle, it goes around and around. Who knows which bit comes first?

Let's for argument's sake say that it starts with me in a relationship. This is phase 1 of the cycle. Now I'm not married yet so obviously every relationship I've been in has ended, for whatever reason. So phase 1 is when the relationship ends.

Phase 2. So then I'm single. Usually during this phase I'm still sleeping with my ex for a while. In fact this has happened with every ex girlfriend so far, but sooner or later I get sick of them or vice versa, or both, and we part ways for good.

So then I start seeing friends again. And I start going out again. And I start drinking. This is phase 3. I usually go off the rails at this point, getting drunk all 3 days of every weekend, and during the week too. I get carried away with going out having fun. I end up making a complete tit of myself by coming onto girls in the most pissed up undignified way ever. I'm still fresh from the relationship and I don't want an new girl anyway, the only reason I'm doing it is because I can!

In phase 3 I usually weite very open, honest blogs about my life ;)

Until phase 4. During phase 4, after coming onto lots of girls just because I can, it doesn't take long before I actually end up with one. Then for an ineffably stupid reason I end up going out with said girl even though I don't want to yet.

Phase 5. "The Girlfriend". I lose contact with my friends because I take my relationship too seriously and ignore everything else. I don't go out. I don't have fun. I get miserable. We break up.

Phase 6. See phase 1.

I'm currently in phase 3. I like phase 3. Phase 3 is the best one.

I feel great

Most people, most of the time update most of their blogs, mostly about negative things. People complain a lot on blogs. They whine and they rant and they bitch. I am breaking the mould by posting for no reason other than to say how happy i am at the moment. Me myself and I just had a really great weekend. And i'm happy. That will be all :)

This is Mansfield

That will be all.

My new running shoes rock

I got my new trainers for my birthday.

They’re Adidas Gazelles and not only do they look great but they’re sooo comfy. I’m using them to go to the gym in which is something I’m going to do a lot more now.

See more progress on: buy a decent pair of running shoes

Cockroaches vs Slugs

In terms of survival; the cockroach is said to be able to withstand anything from being stood on, to a nuclear blast and the ensuing fallout. A slug, in contrast, is killed by a few sprinkles of good old sodium chloride. How on earth did this bizarre weakness evolve? A lethal susceptibility to such a common compound surely cannot be good for the species. Cockroaches take the lead, for now at least.

To the weekend that came and went

Goodbye weekend, i'll miss you. See you again in 5 days!

Euro 2008

As most of you know, Euro 2008 kicks off today. And of course most of you also know the England failed to qualify for the tournament.

While searching for a reason people might watch the tournament, the BBC have decided to encourage following another country by emblazoning the trailer for their coverage with the tagline "Who will you support?".

Perhaps it's this which has led to what seems to be a battle for supporting the biggest underdog.

Every person I talk to spouts off some semi-obscure country that they have "got money on" to win it, and then goes on to defend them when I answer with "Those guys? really??". It appears that the worse the country you lend your support to, and the more vehemently you call out "no they're really strong this year", then the cooler it makes you.

I mean think about it, have you heard many people saying they're betting on a team that might actually win it?

Personally I'm foregoing the pretentious desire to be seen as an amateur pundit and sticking with sensible teams to predict as winners,so here's what I reckon. World Champions Italy will certainly be looking to get the European title too. France are of course an extremely strong team, and we can't forget Germany after how well they surprised everyone in The World Cup (though course that could have been a host-nation fluke). Spain look set to do well too.

But that's just me and I know bugger all.

Somebody told me they were supporting Holland. Try The Netherlands, Holland doesn't exist as an entry in Euro 2008. Get a Geography lesson.

Beat it

Alien Ant Farm are much better at doing Michael Jackson covers than Fall Out Boy. And John Mayer just can't compete with EVH on the solo.

An ode to JonP

He plays guitar all day long,
and sits in on his playstation,
he doesn't look a thing like jesus,
but he does look like his sister.


Thanks, I'm here all week.

The Apprentice is hotting up!

I wonder how many blog posts get titled "Another day, another dollar" every Monday morning. Today, however is different because it's a bank holiday week so we all get to whine about being back to work a day later than usual. Yay!

As if that weren't enough to throw off my weekly clock, to make matters worse this weeks Apprentice is tonight, Tuesday, rather than the usual Wednesday - so instead of having to wait for midweek I'll see it on the first day of work. It'll be weird.

I am nontheless looking forward to it, things are really starting to hot up in the house as the numbers dwindle. Let's take a look at who's left - because yes, I really do have that much spare time at work.

Helene Speight
Ugly butch woman, who likes to have a go at Lucinda. Hasn't thus far been spotted doing much else, in fact. At some point as a baby her parents misspelled her name Helen on something-or-other official and she's been stuck with it ever since.

Michael Sophocles
Annoying whiny faux jewish boy. Kiss-ass to Alan Sugar who should've been fired after getting a Muslin market seller to bless a chicken to make it kosher.

Them two are mostly useless.

Lucinda Ledgerwood
Hippy nutjob who likes to wear berets and other equally ridiculous clothing. Good at bossing folk around but doesn't do much herself. Too old.

Claire Young
Gobby. Rude. Fat. But oddly likable. Apparently nicknamed Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants. I thought it was more because of her face, to be fair.

Alex Wotherspoon
One of the favourites to win, Alex has ended up in the boardroom a copious amount of times desptie having never really cocked up yet. Needs a hair cut.

Lee McQueen
My personal favourite to win, Lee is a cockney legend who likes to refer to himself in third person. Famous quotes include "Lee McQueen is fucking concerned!" and "I'm buzzing...let's go sell some more knickers!"

The smart money is on Claire or Alex I think. I'd bet a tenner with anyone who'd take me up on it that Michael gets fired tonight.

And in the meantime I've got bugger all else to do but sit here at my desk bored...

The aftermath

Getting my nose broken is not much fun. Spending my birthday in A&E isn't either. Currently in vast amounts of pain.

ouch

Shoulda seen the other guy