A man is at home one day when he hears on the radio a warning of torrential rain, which will cause horrendous floods like never seen before. The town is evacuated but when they come to escort him away the man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods".
The next day the water is 3 feet deep all across town and a neighbour comes to the man's house in a boat and says "Hey Buddy, come with me in my boat and be safe."
The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the neighbour shrugs and sails on by.
The next day the flood water is 5 feet deep and the man is almost drowning, when a rescue helicopter flies overhead and a voice shouts down to him "Sir, let us throw down a ladder for you, come with us and be safe"
The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the helicopter pilot shrugs and they fly away.
The next day when the man has drowned and is in heaven he says to God "Lord, did I not love you enough? Did I not lead my life well enough for you? Why didn't you save me?"
The Lord shakes his head at the man and says "I sent you a warning message, a boat and a helicopter, what exactly were you waiting for my child?"
--
Sometimes you have to make it happen yourself.
Monday, February 23
Friday, February 20
Think you'll find it's spelled 'Zarah'
My dad, doing a crossword: what's a name for a Tsar's wife?
Me: Tsarah?
Me: Tsarah?
Ok, even smart people say stupid things sometimes...
Watching BBC3...
A program called "Vodka, Homework and Me" (sic). Thinking that somebody, somewhere, sits in a dark room actually being paid to think up this shit.
So much for getting some sleep tonight.
So much for getting some sleep tonight.
Thursday, February 19
How Dickens got me more than I'd bargained for.
I haven't been sleeping at all recently - I'm currently operating on about 7 hours sleeping over the past 4 nights put together. That isn't really part of the story but it explains how it started, with me being on Facebook at 7:00am for no good reason.
I was reading this note (which you may not be able to see depending on your network, I think) about the BBC's list of the nation's favourite 100 books. They predict that most people will only have read 6 of them. Well of course, I'm not most people; nay, I'm a superintellectual who does nothing but read posh leather-bound books all day, so of course I'd read more than 6 of them. I'd read 7 of them :)
I decided that this simply would not do, which explains how I found myself sat at the back of Mansfield Public Library at 8:00am getting stuck into a copy of David Copperfield, just quietly minding my own business as you do, when a woman approached me declaring herself to be a local councillor who was there to talk with people about the plans for the Library.
I agreed to talk to them but then she said what she really wanted was for a library user (that being me) to take part in a photoshoot with a photographer from the Chad (and also another photographer who I assume was from the council). Next thing I know I'm shaking hands and fake-smiling my way through what seemed like an endless stream of photos with various local councillors, library staff members, and an arbitrarily placed small child.
After signing away all rights to my image being used, along with a million-pound picture deal, I do believe I just became the face of promotional material for the new library.
My life is weird!
I was reading this note (which you may not be able to see depending on your network, I think) about the BBC's list of the nation's favourite 100 books. They predict that most people will only have read 6 of them. Well of course, I'm not most people; nay, I'm a superintellectual who does nothing but read posh leather-bound books all day, so of course I'd read more than 6 of them. I'd read 7 of them :)
I decided that this simply would not do, which explains how I found myself sat at the back of Mansfield Public Library at 8:00am getting stuck into a copy of David Copperfield, just quietly minding my own business as you do, when a woman approached me declaring herself to be a local councillor who was there to talk with people about the plans for the Library.
I agreed to talk to them but then she said what she really wanted was for a library user (that being me) to take part in a photoshoot with a photographer from the Chad (and also another photographer who I assume was from the council). Next thing I know I'm shaking hands and fake-smiling my way through what seemed like an endless stream of photos with various local councillors, library staff members, and an arbitrarily placed small child.
After signing away all rights to my image being used, along with a million-pound picture deal, I do believe I just became the face of promotional material for the new library.
My life is weird!
Wednesday, February 11
Micro-Gallery v0.1
A couple of days ago I got asked by an employment agency about whether I had any online portfolio work they could see. Well, there are a couple of sites I've been working on recently, but everything decent I've made in the past is now offline for one reason or another: So I decided I need to knock up something new to show off what I can do.
The result: Micro Gallery v0.1! A PHP dynamic picture gallery script.
The idea was that I wanted to create a gallery script that, unlike the much more mature applications available online, was entirely self-contained within one PHP file. The result is a gallery.php that can be dropped into any images folder and will do everything itself with no need for installation or configuration whatsoever - and importantly, no need for any database! Even the background image is generated on-the-fly by a little GD script!
Aesthetically it's not much to look at, but this was more of an exercise in PHP and AJAX than in design work.
Most folks reading this will be entirely unimpressed by that, but perhaps a few of the geeks among you will think it's pretty cool.
The result: Micro Gallery v0.1! A PHP dynamic picture gallery script.
The idea was that I wanted to create a gallery script that, unlike the much more mature applications available online, was entirely self-contained within one PHP file. The result is a gallery.php that can be dropped into any images folder and will do everything itself with no need for installation or configuration whatsoever - and importantly, no need for any database! Even the background image is generated on-the-fly by a little GD script!
Aesthetically it's not much to look at, but this was more of an exercise in PHP and AJAX than in design work.
Most folks reading this will be entirely unimpressed by that, but perhaps a few of the geeks among you will think it's pretty cool.
25 things about me
Do you want to know 25 facts about me?
No, didn't think so.
I don't want to know them about you either, what makes you think I do? Shoo!
No, didn't think so.
I don't want to know them about you either, what makes you think I do? Shoo!
Monday, February 9
Facebook is NOT real life.
At the weekend I was out and about. As usual many people had cameras and one nameless person in particular was taking picture of people in the usual state of inebriated disarray, when I said "let me take a picture of you, you're not in any!".
"No I've just taken my 60th," they said, "can't put any more on facebook, no point taking more."
Is this just one freak weirdo or is this a new idea that's going around, that taking more than 60 photos on a night out is pointless because only 60 can go per album? If this is a trend then I may kill myself.
"No I've just taken my 60th," they said, "can't put any more on facebook, no point taking more."
Is this just one freak weirdo or is this a new idea that's going around, that taking more than 60 photos on a night out is pointless because only 60 can go per album? If this is a trend then I may kill myself.
Sunday, February 8
Shoe money tonight!
At poker last night I was promised a small buy-in fee but in the end everybody decided not to play for real money - BOO!
I'm training to run the Mansfield Half Marathon this year. I must be a sucker for punishment.
I'm training to run the Mansfield Half Marathon this year. I must be a sucker for punishment.
Friday, February 6
One eyed Scottish idiot...
Guess who's in the news today for causing controversy, by referring to Gordon Brown (texture like sun) as a "one-eyed Scottish idiot who lied about the economy".
Yep, you've guessed it. I love you Jeremy Clarkson, you are a legend.
Yep, you've guessed it. I love you Jeremy Clarkson, you are a legend.
Thursday, February 5
Awesome snow
I've never in England seen as much snow as we have at the moment. I've been out playing in it all day and I'm going out again later :)
Wednesday, February 4
Good call, girl
I went downstairs to let Bonnie and Jimbo out before bed. I opened the door and they both ran up, as usual, and Jimbo ran out.
Meanwhile Bonnie sat down inside the doorway and just looked up at me as if to say "What? Have you SEEN it out there?? Fuck that!"
Can't fault it. Ain't no way I'm doing my business out there either, girl.
Meanwhile Bonnie sat down inside the doorway and just looked up at me as if to say "What? Have you SEEN it out there?? Fuck that!"
Can't fault it. Ain't no way I'm doing my business out there either, girl.
Tuesday, February 3
Nails
Whenever you do anything in life, you have to consider how well you did it. Well, I do anyway, because I think too much, particularly about how I'm nicely turning into something that closely resembles normal.
Actually, thinking that probably means I'm not at all.
Whatever.
Well that conversation I just had with the texts and the messages and the BEEP BEEP and the buzzing every 20 seconds... well that thing... I nailed it :)
Well, up to the point about being blunt I did anyway, but up to then, with the not being snappy and with the reading the script, that was good I think :)
Actually, thinking that probably means I'm not at all.
Whatever.
Well that conversation I just had with the texts and the messages and the BEEP BEEP and the buzzing every 20 seconds... well that thing... I nailed it :)
Well, up to the point about being blunt I did anyway, but up to then, with the not being snappy and with the reading the script, that was good I think :)
Monday, February 2
Sunday, February 1
Driving in winter is awesome
Ok so it's snowing at the moment, same as it is more or less throughout the country, so driving at the moment is pretty hazardous but still, overall, driving in winter is awesome.
Y'see, when I got my license back a month ago somebody said to me "It's a bad time to be driving, in winter". Is it? Clearly this person has not for years had the experience of WALKING 10 miles to work in winter. If you think you're cold while you de-ice your windscreen in the morning, how do you think you'd feel if you were that cold for the whole journey, and it took 5 times longer? Driving in winter is the best thing ever. I particularly like it when I drive past a pedestrian I know and don't particularly like, then I turn up the heater and go into smug mode.
Funny thing is when I lost my license somebody also said to be "Shame you won't be driving through summer." Conversely - I can think of no better time to be outdoors and not stuck in a car than in summer.
Y'see, when I got my license back a month ago somebody said to me "It's a bad time to be driving, in winter". Is it? Clearly this person has not for years had the experience of WALKING 10 miles to work in winter. If you think you're cold while you de-ice your windscreen in the morning, how do you think you'd feel if you were that cold for the whole journey, and it took 5 times longer? Driving in winter is the best thing ever. I particularly like it when I drive past a pedestrian I know and don't particularly like, then I turn up the heater and go into smug mode.
Funny thing is when I lost my license somebody also said to be "Shame you won't be driving through summer." Conversely - I can think of no better time to be outdoors and not stuck in a car than in summer.
Wednesday, January 21
I like the word meander
So it's been a while since my relatively regular writings on here became, suddenly, sporadic. I guess I should explain why but we all know i'm not going to because most of the 2 (if i'm lucky) people reading this will care even less than I do.
One thing I have learnt recently is that we live in a crazy world. In the last week, over 5000 people in the uk lost their jobs at various companies all on the same day, Man City were on the cusp of signing a player in excess of £100m, and a pilot had to land a passenger jet in the Hudson river.
What most people don't know is that the Hudson isn't actually a river. Well technically it is, but it isn't by the time it reaches Manhattan, it's a tributary estuary.
Here's another thing most people don't know; the weasel, while oft times represented in historical folklore as a sneaky and perhaps even devious pest, was more anciently revered as the only animal that could slay the mythical basilisk.
I'm not at my computer i'm writing this from my phone which, combined with the fact that I just prefaced two paragraphs by declaring them to be things most people don't know... Well it's probably a strong hint that I may have made both of them up.
I've been unable to sleep tonight which is not at all unusual for me - I don't often sleep much. So in a futile attempt to cure boredom, I've just spent an hour with my computer beating me at chess. But don't worry, the next round in our tete-a-tete is kickboxing and to be honest I fancy my chances.
I got new underwear today. Well, new to me. Getting yourself some new underwear is a rite of passage for a guy: the first time I ever got my own boxers I felt like a growed up.
Sometimes I still do. But not usually.
Monday, January 5
Expensive cameras are a waste of money
For Christmas I bought my nephew a digital camera. Well technically I didn't buy it I just chose it and paid for it, but that's a long story.
Well he's only 10 and never had a camera before so I bought him basically the cheapest that he could play around with and ultimately, in all likelihood, break.
When it arrived today I played with it so I know how to use it when he inevitably asks me to show it to him. Conclusion: I like it. I mean I really like it, it's a great camera!
It does everything most people want it to, as easily and simply as you would hope for, but also has a very good selection of advanced settings that are hidden away from usual view - but not too hidden away to find easily when you want them. It's looks good, it's small and compact, doesn't fanny around with proprietary memory cards or batteries (Sony, I hate you) and it's just generally really good. It's not a shitty unheard-of brand either by the way, it's from Kodak who I think have been in the camera business a little while now.
So if this is what you get for a camera that costs £45, what more could you really expect from the many, many, vastly more expensive cameras on the market?
So if you want consumer advice from a geek who dabbles in photography - cheaper cameras are no worse than considerably more expensive ones. If you want good pictures you have to find them and take them, you don't need an expensive camera and don't ever let any DSLR wielding slaphead tell you otherwise.
Well he's only 10 and never had a camera before so I bought him basically the cheapest that he could play around with and ultimately, in all likelihood, break.
When it arrived today I played with it so I know how to use it when he inevitably asks me to show it to him. Conclusion: I like it. I mean I really like it, it's a great camera!
It does everything most people want it to, as easily and simply as you would hope for, but also has a very good selection of advanced settings that are hidden away from usual view - but not too hidden away to find easily when you want them. It's looks good, it's small and compact, doesn't fanny around with proprietary memory cards or batteries (Sony, I hate you) and it's just generally really good. It's not a shitty unheard-of brand either by the way, it's from Kodak who I think have been in the camera business a little while now.
So if this is what you get for a camera that costs £45, what more could you really expect from the many, many, vastly more expensive cameras on the market?
So if you want consumer advice from a geek who dabbles in photography - cheaper cameras are no worse than considerably more expensive ones. If you want good pictures you have to find them and take them, you don't need an expensive camera and don't ever let any DSLR wielding slaphead tell you otherwise.
Sunday, January 4
Listen up.
I am here to preach to you about my religion. But fear not brave readers, my preaching doesn't involve a religion that requires flying a plane into a skyscraper, avoiding eating pork, or even touching small boys (but it doesn't rule it out either, don't worry).
The basic premise of my preaching is to spread the holy word of the two best things ever created by our god John Logie Baird, The West Wing and How I Met Your Mother.
I have commandments too.
The first commandment is honour thy father. Thy father is Aaron Sorkin (thy mother is Neil Patrick Harris).
The second commandment is thus; all television other than that which is preached in our religion, is shite. Thou shalt not watch lesser television.
The grace of the lord Sorkin be with all. Amen.
Friday, January 2
Words cannot fully express the irony in this
I got my driving licence back at midnight tonight. I went out driving straight away. The roads were empty - and everything was going fine. That is, until a police car appeared and started driving behind me. Then on came the flashing blue lights and I got pulled over, and had to go and have a nice sit in the back of a police car.
They said it was because I have a light out.
They checked all my details and sure enough my licence is fine, but they have no record of my insurance. Most likely this is because it comes into force today and their systems haven’t registered it yet or something, I don’t know.
SO I have been given a producer which means I have 7 days to take my driving licence, insurance certificate and MOT pass certificate to the police station, or I’m in some very, very big trouble.
This was at 12:08.
I was less than a mile away from my house. I’d been driving for 2 minutes, if that.
This is unbelievable. I am so fucked off right now.
If it happened to someone else I'd see the funny side. But it didn't, and I don't. I'm sure everyone reading this will have a good laugh at my expense though.
They said it was because I have a light out.
They checked all my details and sure enough my licence is fine, but they have no record of my insurance. Most likely this is because it comes into force today and their systems haven’t registered it yet or something, I don’t know.
SO I have been given a producer which means I have 7 days to take my driving licence, insurance certificate and MOT pass certificate to the police station, or I’m in some very, very big trouble.
This was at 12:08.
I was less than a mile away from my house. I’d been driving for 2 minutes, if that.
This is unbelievable. I am so fucked off right now.
If it happened to someone else I'd see the funny side. But it didn't, and I don't. I'm sure everyone reading this will have a good laugh at my expense though.
Thursday, January 1
Happy New Year everyone
"Start as you mean to go on" is a phrase my mother says a lot. So why, then, do we all start every year getting blind drunk?
I will not be continuing this year in the fashion I started it.
I will not be continuing this year in the fashion I started it.
Thursday, December 25
Why Argos is a rip off
There was just an advert on TV for the Argos end of catalogue sale. It was advertising half price on several electrical items, which at first seems great.
Thing is, prices on electricals are always coming down anyway, so when an Argos catalogue is released the prices are only reasonable very briefly, then the prices everywhere else get cheaper - but the argos catalogue stays the same - and by the end of a catalogue season their prices are way above current market value.
Cue the half price sale, which they pass off as a clearance of stock from the old catalogue, but actually all they're doing is selling stuff for what it is now worth. Then they release the new catalogue, and this is the real joke, because they sell all the same stuff, at the same prices they were on special offer at the previous week!
Rip. Off.
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