Why Argos is a rip off

There was just an advert on TV for the Argos end of catalogue sale. It was advertising half price on several electrical items, which at first seems great.

Thing is, prices on electricals are always coming down anyway, so when an Argos catalogue is released the prices are only reasonable very briefly, then the prices everywhere else get cheaper - but the argos catalogue stays the same - and by the end of a catalogue season their prices are way above current market value.

Cue the half price sale, which they pass off as a clearance of stock from the old catalogue, but actually all they're doing is selling stuff for what it is now worth. Then they release the new catalogue, and this is the real joke, because they sell all the same stuff, at the same prices they were on special offer at the previous week!

Rip. Off.

Directory enquiries is as dead as landlines

Who actually rings 118 118, or any similar service? Not me!

Once upon a time the directory enquiries service was a national treasure, it was the ultimate source of information! This was back in the days when, although the UK had just as many telcos as it does now, there was one that dominated massively: BT. The main reason it was so popular was to do with BT's dominance - every BT number was registered and accessible via directory enquiries which meant pretty much every single number in the country.

Nowadays since the directory services market has been privatised, the reliability of any/all of them has dwindled vastly. Largely i think (though I am, completely admittedly, an untrained outsider) it's because BT have their own privatised service, and thus are unlikely to share their database with anyone unless they get paid a lot of money to do so! This, combined with their expense has seen huge decline in directory services, to the point where I'm really not sure that we need them anymore.

You see, technology has moved past them now that we have the Internet. For example, I am typing this post on my phone via an email that will be delivered to blogger via my home wifi. Should my home wifi fail as it has had a habit of doing recently, then it will happily fall back to my 3g connection (either way it will be automagically imported to facebook). It's been quite a few years now since Internet capable phones were produced, but there's a key difference now - the new ones are actually GOOD at going online, in a way that is worth using, much more so than their predecessors.

Combine this with the advent of Web 2.0 which, is basically a complicated way of saying "give the users what they want" and we have mobile-accessible versions of FREE websites that can do the same job as 118118, and depending on how good your phone and your 3g reception is this can be almost as fast as calling a phone number, or sometimes even faster. And let's point out again that this is FREE!

I think it's a shame really, because I think that looking in the phone book or ringing the operator for a phone number is something that I regard as being quintessentially English. But the world must move forward and just as landlines were probably once regarded as new, and people probably said it was a shame we didnt send old-fashioned letters anymore, so the world continues to move forward and now their is a new old, and an even newer new.

This post consists of my uninteresting musings, and was brought to you by the letters G, E, E and K, and the number 1337.

It's Christmas eve eve eve

That will be all

I'm excited so shut up

Where did this thing about not getting excited come from all of a sudden?

People keep saying "don't get too excited about Christmas yet!" this year, as if it's a common phrase. I never heard this last year, or any other year for that matter. I don't know how these things somehow appear in common usage, I don't know if a phrase gets passed around intentionally or if it just spreads because annoying people repeat it ad nauseum. But whichever is the cause, this is now apparently a turn of phrase.

The thing about these phrases that suddenly become a part of our vocabulary is that usually, there will always be people who claim they have been saying it for years and usually, you're pretty sure they've never ever said it before.

Oh and the other thing about this phrase - I hate it! Stop telling me not to get too excited: It's bloody Christmas and if I wanna regress to childhood and get hyper about it then let me!

Random playlist lyrics game

I pinched this from Simon. Rules of the game:

1. Set your music player on shuffle.

2. Post the first line(s) from each of the first 25 songs that play for all to guess (if the first line reveals the title, skip that song or replace the title word/phrase with [title]).

3. Strike out the lyric when someone guesses both the artist and the song title correctly, and post the name of the person who guessed it.

4. Using Google or any other search engine is, of course, SHAMELESS CHEATING!

5. If you enjoy the game, post your own.
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Here is my list:

I swear I haven't fiddled this at all, this really was the first song that played
1) Do you know this girl? Her name is Ria, she sings to Iron Maiden songs all alone in her room.

2) Human Mind, Human Soul, Human Weakness, I love you, I love you, Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

3) Simply knowing you exist aint good enough for me. But asking for your telephone number seems highly innapropriate.

4) Our generation sees the world, not the same as before, we might as well just throw it all, and live like there's no tomorrow
We are the ones who are living under the gun every day, you might be gone before you know, so live like there's no tomorrow

5) [title], and give it all you've got. My today, fell in from the top. I dream of you, and all the things you say. I wonder where you are now.

6) I've never been here before didn't know where to go, never met you before. I've never been to your home, that smell's not unknown, footsteps made of stone.

7) I've been wasting my vacation. Flipping through these hundred stations. And my body's fine but my head's seen better days

This one was a cover version that played, you get points for the original artist or for guessing the version I was listening to.
8) Drfiting into my solitude, over my head. Don't you wonder sometimes 'bout [title]
Blue, blue, electric blue, that's the colour of my room, where I will live. Blue, blue.

9) Ever see a blind man cross the road trying to make the other side? Ever see a young girl growing old, trying to make herself a bride?

10) Get away from me is all she said, you're like a social disease . I'm so tired of being afraid of you, her face all twisted he see.

11) What must I have become to deserve all the shit that you gave me? The rocks look like a body in the river, now I just wish that I could sleep to keep me from thinking but the thoughts keep me up. It's been two months since you taught me not to trust.

12) Head over heels I've fit in before. Now, I don't want to do it no more. I've held it all in with blood on my face, built it up man so bad you can taste.

13) Baby baby when we first met, I never felt something so strong. You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it.

14) [unintelligible shouted intro, somethign about a motherfucker] Agony is the price that you pay in the end. [title] consumes you then calls you a friend.

15) [title] Speeding into Trumpton with a cargo of cocaine. I get high when I’m the pilot of a plane. Touching down in Camberwick and stoned out of my brain.

16) [title] in my skin. These wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real.

17) Right here, all by myself. I aint got no one else. The situation is bleeding me. Theres no relief for a person like me.

18) Despair, emptiness. See the hatred wasted on yourself. Face down taste the dust; it's getting harder everyday, just to find a reason not to end it all yourself. Suicide on the street. Everywhere around you watch it breed. It begins to bury you in self-induced rejectio.

19) Sooooo [title], [title], but everyone would do it if they can, and everything is going down the pan, and everyone is following the craze, and [title]
Now you say it's getting better but I don't really see the signs. Said it is too different, you thought it would be suicide

20) Get some pain and I feel alive - [title]
Close my eyes overdose on hell - [title]
Get run over by no direction - [title]
Breathing dead and I'm born to end - [title]

21) I believe in miracles, where ya from, [title]? I believe in miracles, since ya came along, [title]. Where did you come from baby? How did you know I needed you? How did you know I need you so badly? How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?

22) Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job, I make forty something dollars a day.
I used to be the man in my hometown until I started to [title (almost)].
It all goes back to when I dropped out at school; Having fun, I was living the life.
But now I got a problem with that little white rock - see I can put down the pipe

23) Thinking clearly never came,
As easy as it did for you,
Driving this route out of town,
I wish you were still around,
And in the dead of night I always,
wondered whether you were true,
Someone better than myself,
An offer you just cant turn down,
A morning fight,
And a wasted night,
You crept back to your room

24) Time heals all wounds they say, but the self inflicted won't just fade away. And in these shifting tides of blame why are you suprised to see your name? It's such a drag.

25) I've had nights I will never forget. I've had nights I will always regret. But I can take it on the chin and say [title].


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'Add me on facebook'

Next time I'm at a party and I hear somebody say 'Add me on facebook' I'm going to punch them. I don't much care who it is - unless me course it's a cute girl and I'm the one she's saying it to.

Once upon a time the internet used to be an extension of real life. People spent most of their time having real interactions with people, but when they wanted to keep in touch the rest of the time they used the internet as a tool to do that. But I'm pretty sure i missed a memo or something because it seems to have swapped over nowadays. It's as if most people see their social lives as revolving around social networking websites.

To these people, my message is this: if you're a sad loser with no life, there's no shame in admitting that like i do. But pretending the internet counts as a social life is pathetic.

'Hallelujah' is the X-Factor single and certainly Christmas no. 1

It's such a shame that Simon cowell has chosen for the X-Factor winner, Alexandra Burke's first (and probably only) single to be a cover of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I've loved the famous jeff Buckley version for ages, it's one of my all time favourite songs.

To be honest, I've heard the X-Factor version and I can't help but admit it isn't actually bad at all. I don't dislike her version of it, I just dislike the thought of one of my favourite songs becoming an icon for pre-produced mass-marketed flash in the pan money grabbing shit like X-Factor, and I hate the thought of it making a lot of money for that twat Cowell.

Alexandra is really hot, too, apart from the fact that she looks like Count Von Count. It's the nose.

Also, even though I've had his 'Grace' album for ages I had no idea what Jeff Buckley looked like until yesterday. Turns out he's an exact prereplica of James Franco. Compare the two on the right - can you tell which is which?

An Iraqi cameraman threw a shoe at George Bush

Most people, especially Americans, think that there were no WMDs in Iraq and the invasion was all a load of bullshit propaganda to secure a permanent source of oil for the western world.

These people also seem to think that American (and British) troops have no place being there, and should be out by now, as they shouldn't have gone there in the first place.

A lot of Iraqi's apparently also think this which is why is the only reason I can guess that they have a penchant for blowing us up.

Except one particular Iraqi didn't strap a bomb to himself, rather than that he just shouted some insult at a press conference, and took off his shoe and threw it at Dubya. No it wasn't a shoe bomb, just a regular shoe. It was from Clarks.

Now here comes my point:

To all the people who think the invasion was unjust, unwarranted, and didn't achieve anything, I would like to remind you that if this cameraman had done this under the rule of Saddam Hussein he would face a long, drawn out death from extensive torture.

As this is a political subject there will no doubt be people who disagree and think I'm full of shit. I look forward to hearing your opinions, carefully considering them, and informing you that you are wrong and I am right.

Now I just have to wait :)

Look what came in the post today! So now I've got my licence back, I've got insurance on a car sorted out, all I need to do is wait for them both to come into force on January 2nd.

At last!

1 month to go

It's taken me until 4:30 in the afternoon today before I looked at a calendar and realised it's a very significant date today.

Today is the 2nd of December. And what does that mean?

It means in exactly 1 month I will be legally allowed to drive again! :D

More snow!

It's snowing again today - I love snow! Unfortunately there is no more forecast :(

Snow!

I just looked out of my window and realised it's been snowing! This is great, i love snow. I'm going to bed now since it's quarter to 6 in the morning, but i'm hoping really hard that there's gonna be a lot more snow when i wake up!

Happy Swinstead

The fellow geeks reading this will understand, but to everyone else, I'll explain.

When you're writing code in a program, there will always be bugs. Most of them will be minor things that are easily sorted but every now and then a bastard comes along that seemingly has no explanation, and you get stuck on it.

I've had one of those for the last 7 hours, and it's been driving me insane.

Right now, after finally fixing it, I feel total euphoria. I can now go to sleep at last.

Night kids.

Kitteh!

Mouse Cloned From Long Frozen Cell

As a self-confessed geek I find this totally cool:
from http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/11/04/mouse-clone-mammoth.html

Nov. 4, 2008 -- Japanese scientists said Tuesday they had created a mouse from a dead cell frozen for 16 years, taking a step in the long impossible dream of bringing back extinct animals such as mammoths.

The scientists extracted a cell nucleus from an organ of the dead mouse and planted it into an egg of another mouse which was alive, leading to the birth of the cloned mouse, the researchers said.

Basically it means that the only thing stopping them from cloning a mammoth is finding a specimen in good enough condition to extract a cell nucleus from.

It would have to be mated with an elephant, resulting in a half-mammoth hybrid, but cloning another mammoth with this result would produce a 3/4 breed, and the next generation after that would be 7/8ths mammoth.

Bring on Jurassic Park!

I need your karma!

I've been applying for a few jobs recently - two of which are ones I would very much like, and one of those two I will find out whether I'm through to the next stage of tomorrow.

So wish me luck guys, I really want this. What I'm doing now really isn't working, I'm covering bills but bugger all else, I really need to get back into a proper, full time, normal job.

So send your good vibes this way tomorrow please, and aim them well because I don't want your karma running over my dogma!

Congratulations to the USA of America

Well done America, last night you finally rectified the mistake you made 4 years ago and chose a new president.

The phrase "Yes we can" was the motto of Barack Obama's election campaign.

The sad thing is that if the question had been "Can we vote Bush again?" And the answer had still been "yes we can"... then they probably would have.

An interesting day

Today, I made rice crispies cakes, mince pies, and a bamboo go cart (unfinished), and saw 3 foxes all separately on the way home.

Tomorrow, I am going to London. In fact I have to be up in 3 hours so it's way past my bed time...

College Workload

Tonight I am aiming to completely finish my C++ assignment for college, and depending on how well that goes I would also like to have a good crack at Harvard Referencing my DBMS Assignment so it's ready to hand in.

Wish me luck!

Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross's Radio 2 stunt

I've been hearing about this huge controversy for a few days now and it's getting annoying. For those not in the know, live on air Ross and Brand called up Andrew Sachs (Manuel from Fawlty Towers) and left stupid answering machine messages. The part that's getting people irate is the lewd comments made in the messages about Sach's granddaughter.

I have only two things to say about this.

1) If you don't like what you see on tv, or hear on the radio, or read in the paper, then stop watching, listening and reading. Nobody is forcibly subjecting you to this stuff.

If you were listening to what you believed would be wholesome family entertainment for those who like to be wrapped in cotton wool and then this happened, it would be a different matter, but this is just the sort of thing that Ross and Brand are known for and if you don't like it you shouldn't be listening to them

2) Jonathan Ross. Two first names.

Making flapjack

Having made several lots of flapjack recently, here are my lessons.

More butter is good.

More syrup is good - but don't go overboard.

When it comes to cooking time, less is more.

Kerry Katona should be put down

I keep getting half a story about something controversial that happened on This Morning yesterday with Kerry Katona but I haven't really got a clue what it is people are talking about.

On the other hand, I just wonder why people are giving a shit about what happens on This Morning and what happens to Kerry Katona.

If I hear one more person say that everyone needs to "lay off her cos she's had a hard time" I'll scream. She's had a really hard time being rich and famous has she? Poor little baby.

I have zero sympathy.

Televised snooker sucks you in

TV is shit. Snooker is shit. So why is it that putting the two together gives such an irresistible combination?

Yes I must admit that having spent the last few days in bed, ill, with nothing to do but watch TV, I've found myself drawn in to watching the snooker grand prix.

Congratulations to John Higgins, who won it purely because I was watching. I'm a good luck charm to him you see, because we're May 18th identical twin birthday brothers.

What is happening to football recently?

To be honest, I haven't been following the football very well at all this season. It's just that I've been busy, and I've had a lot of things on my mind, so I've kept a close track on stags but what's going on in the premier league has passed me by.

So, imagine my bizarre shock to have a look at the table this morning and see this:

		P	W	D	L	F	A	+/-	Pts
1	Chelsea	7	5	2	0	14	3	+11	17
2	Liverpool	7	5	2	0	10	4	+6	17
3	Hull City	7	4	2	1	10	11	-1	14
4	Arsenal	7	4	1	2	13	5	+8	13
5	Aston Villa	7	4	1	2	12	10	+2	13
6	West Ham United	7	4	0	3	14	13	+1	12
7	Portsmouth	7	4	0	3	9	13	-4	12
8	Manchester United	6	3	2	1	8	4	+4	11
9	West Bromwich Albion	7	3	1	3	7	7	0	10
10	Blackburn Rovers	7	3	1	3	8	14	-6	10
11	Manchester City	7	3	0	4	18	12	+6	9
12	Middlesbrough	7	3	0	4	7	9	-2	9
13	Wigan Athletic	7	2	2	3	9	6	+3	8
14	Sunderland	7	2	2	3	7	9	-2	8
15	Everton	7	2	2	3	11	15	-4	8
16	Bolton Wanderers	7	2	1	4	8	10	-2	7
17	Fulham	6	2	0	4	5	7	-2	6
18	Newcastle United	7	1	2	4	7	13	-6	5
19	Stoke City	7	1	1	5	8	14	-6	4
20	Tottenham Hotspur	7	0	2	5	4	10	-6	2

Of the many things wrong here let's take a look at the obvious 3:

• West Ham are 6th - wtf? Nice one Zola!
• Hull are 3rd - even more wtf
• But here's the big one - Man Utd are 8th! 8th! I know they're a game behind, but they're 6 points behind!

I'm gonna have to buck my ideas up and start paying more attention 'cos it's looking like this season is going to be an interesting one.

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Bonus points to start with for anyone who recognises the above quote. Googlers will be decapitated for cheating.

I'm having difficulty sleeping recently which explains why I'm here online now despite having work in the morning. Recently I seem to work far too much. It's really starting to cut into my Dexter time.

Today I found myself still dealing with the consequences of the day last week that started as the best day I've ever been paid for, and suddenly turned into the worst. I think I need my comforters -but unlike most I take little to no pleasure from retail therapy, or from comfort eating, instead I turn to my heroes in life:

So if in the next few days you see me wearing a suit, drinking whisky, and smoking cigars, don't be alarmed, I'm just being Barney Stinson or Toby Ziegler.

If I'm caught dying my hair ginger, don't worry, I'm just going through a Simon Pegg phase.

On the other hand if I gain a lot of weight, stop shaving and swear a lot... well you won't notice the difference, but that's me in Kevin Smith mode.

Give blood!

I'm giving blood today. It will be my second time. Why aren't you?

Have you ever had an operation which involved a blood transfusion? Has a friend? A relative?

If so, and even if not, you should be asking yourself why you don't give blood. Some people have a good reason not to, but most don't. It's quick, it's easy, it's totally painless.

Donor sessions are regular, and they get around a bit so there's bound to be one near you fairly soon. Look up the best one for you at blood.co.uk

Do it!

Almost back in the driving seat

Getting banned for drink driving was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. 6 months on I regret it a lot, my life just isn’t quite as awesome as it was when I had a car.

But I’ve been on a drink-driver rehabilitation course which cuts my driving ban down to 9 months instead of 12, so 3 months from now I get my license back!

Can’t wait!

See more progress on: learn to drive

Bored bored bored.

There was a plan for tonight and the plan was simple. Stay up late and do 2 college assignments.

The reason i planned to do it overnight rather than in the day is because you can do more in one night session than you could in a whole week of daytimes. It's the lack of distraction, nobody else is online, nobody else is about the house, nothing is on tv, nowhere to go out, nothing to do.... Except work.

This plan was just kicking into action, i had megadosed up on coffee to get me through the night, and was ready to go. Then my internet connection died on me. I can't get any further than i already am on my assignments without using online resources, so i'm buggered.

So here I am an hour later still without internet, still dosed up on coffee and completely unable to sleep.

WANK!

Chocolate eating techniques #3

Todays guide is a little bit of rule-bending because today what I'm going to show you how to eat properly is not chocolate: It's skittles!

Of course I don't mean bowling skittles, I wouldn't recommend eating those, I mean this kind

There are several varieties of skittles nowadays - as you can see I've got fruit skittles, which is the new name for the original ones - this technique should be applied to every type.

First off open the pack in the same way that you should open all packets of chocolate, crisps, sweets etc; Go along the seam so that you can undo it neatly without tearing anything. Unfortuately this packet wasn't playing ball with me today and it ripped open spreading skittles across my floor, so I went by the 2-second rule.


Step 2: The pairs and squares rule, which states that you can only ever, ever eat skittles in coloured pairs or coloured squares. Pairs is obvious enough, but coloured squares means a squared number of the same colour so 2, 4, 16 etc. Since you're unlikely to have 16 of the same colour this really just means 2 or 4.

Start off by picking up any two (or four) of the same colour from the packet and eating them together.

You may prefer to empty the skittles on a table and separate them into coloured pairs first, like so:

Continue this until the bottom of the packet. You don't have to stick with one colour you can swap back and forth, it's up to you.

This is where the technique turns into fortune telling! That's right you can actually read your luck for the day from a packet of skittles! If you get to the bottom of the packet and you have managed to pair up every last skittle - that is, if there are no odds ones left in the bottom, then you know that today will be a good day.

It's an omen, a sign that all is well with the world, that the universe is in order, that whichever gods you believe in are smiling down upon you.

If not all skittles are paired up, don't forget the pairs and squares rule - you can not eat single-colour skittles so just throw them in the bin.

No, seriously. Throw them in the bin.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to properly eat a packet of skittles.

Coming soon: The definitive, ISO standardised way to eat a Cadbury's Creme Egg!

Until next time, ta-ta.

Swinstead the medieval warfare master (aka geek)

Yesterday I made a Trebuchet. For those not in the know a Trebuchet is a medieval warfare device something like a catapult - you will have seen them in films being used to hurl huge rocks at castle walls and stuff.

It was made from paperclips and it could take very little weight without falling to bits.


It managed to fire about 5 times it's own length but only a few times before the axle bowed and the whole thing died. It was good for nothing more than a proof of concept.

So then I whipped out the bamboo, the hacksaw and the wood glue and took things to the next level with attempt number 2.

As you can see attempt number 2 is much larger and more sturdy.

This model could fire around 5 feet compared to being a foot long. Then I made some structural changes (not pictured) and it now fires to well over ten feet! I'm convinced I can get it higher when I get around to making a heavier counterweight, but now I've had my fun I probably won't bother.

Instead, my next plan is to make a bigger version, roughly 4 feet tall, which will be awesome. It will be so awesome that it's second name will be awesome and people will say "Hey have you seen that trebuchet John Awesome and his 2 kids 'Totally Awesome' and 'Frickin Awesome'?"

Anyway. Other stuff I did yesterday was look into steampunk modding some things. Steampunking makes everything cool, see below.

And also I was looking at pictures of some of the coolest tattoos I've ever seen:



And the pièce de résistance, without a doubt my favourite tattoo ever:


And to top off my online meanderings I was looking at galleries of a lego artist who makes actual artistic sculptures out of lego. And this is my favourite:

And there we go, a day in the life of someone too skint to go out on a Friday!

Luckily tonight I shall be leaving the house instead!

Chocolate eating techniques #2

To properly eat a kit-kat, you will first need a couple of pieces of equipment.

Primarily there is, of course, fig 1 - a kit-kat.


Whether you enter the competition to win a mini or not is an optional part of this lesson. Secondly, you will need a cup of steamin' hot java! Well actually any hot drink will work so you can substitute it for tea or whatever you like, but I'm a caffeine addict so I used coffee. This cup was lovingly made for me by my friend Lizz.

That's all the preparation done so let's start the method.

First, unwrap the kit-kat from it's wrapper. Now, if you're anal like me then you're going to want to unwrap the kit-kat without tearing the wrapper at all; the way to do this is to open along the seams instead of tearing.

Next thing to do is carefully remove one of the 4 "fingers" from the "hand". This is the finger we will be eating first, so you can discard the others for now and come back to them later.

Now you've got the little finger isolated from his gang, you can do whatever you want to him.

Being careful not to bite into the wafer at all, nibble off the chocolate from one end of the finger.

Next, repeat this step on the other end of the finger.


Now your finger has been wantonly nibbled at, it's time to put this together with your other piece of equipment, the coffee!

As you can see in the photo below, you need to dip one end of the kit-kat finger into the coffee, and the other end in your mouth. What I'm essentially doing here is using the kit-kat as a straw, sucking the coffee up through it.



Repeat all the above steps for each finger.

The end result is a delightful chocolatey coffee taste, that simply dwarves the comparatively bland taste of a regular kit-kat.

Et voila, you now know how to eat a kit-kat properly.

Played until my fingers bled

There's something to be said for working so hard you go home covered in sweat, stinking like a cow's rear end. It's a sort of quaint satisfaction that you could never get from a day's work behind a desk. It makes you feel like you've really done something good with your day, like you've earned your stay in this world for another little while, like you're a real man who does things men are meant to do.

Either that or I'm just full of shit.

Yesterday I literally played guitar until my fingers bled.

That will be all kids. Until next time, ta-ta.

Back to school

Through some peculiar accident that I'm yet to fully comprehend, I seem to have become a student once again. After meeting with one of the tutors last week to discuss it, and applying for the course soon after, today I had my interview with the course coordinator and I'm now officially accepted onto a HNC in computing.

Several weeks from now I will be fully settled into the student lifestyle and I may be caught wearing a duffel coat, drinking alcopops on a Thursday night, or even - god forbid - enjoying The Mighty Boosh. Should any of these things happen I give anyone reading this permission to slap me.

Please.

Sunday Fucking Funday

First of all, might I just say that the reason I haven't posted for a while is because I was on holiday and it was AWESOME! 7 days in the sun with copious amounts of alcohol is always going to amount to some crazy shenanigans and fantastic adventures, which is exactly what happened.

Towards the end I felt like I really wanted to come home but now I'm here I want nothing more than to go back. It was a fantastic place but I missed being away from my home comforts like my own bed, flushing toilet paper, and of course my huge porn collection.

Since the holiday I've come home to find myself unemployed which is taking a little getting used to. I find that it usually takes a week or two for it to sink in that you haven't got a job and you need to get one - until then you just enjoy being off work - but meanwhile it's hard to get motivated to do anything. That's the period I'm in now.

In other news, as some of you may know I've been trying to lose some weight for a couple of months now. I haven't been keeping people updated because I'm well aware nobody gives a shit, but today I reached a milestone that I think is worth mentioning. As of today I now FINALLY weigh less than 15 stone. I figured out the key - less food, more Jack Daniels! Dieting is so much fun!

The other miraculous discovery I've just made is 80p Sundays in liquid! SUNDAY FUCKING FUNDAY!

Sundays are dead. Long live Sundays!

Chocolate eating techniques #1

To properly eat a twix, one must first carefully and precisely consume the top layer of chocolate and caramel, being sure to avoid any dental contact with the biscuit layer.

When done properly, a row of small holes in the biscuit should be clearly visible, as shown.

Put a donk on it

Cheap redbull.
The Macarena.
Bellies out.
Put a donk on it.
Put a donk on it.
Put a donk on it.

Today has been a good day.

Swinstead is dead.
Long live Swinstead.

Getting there. I think.

I'm trying to decide whether I'm going anywhere with my life.

I always feel like I'm getting there, like I'm working towards the things I want. But I never get to where I want to be.

It's not that I don't achieve my goals; I do. It's more that the goals I aim for are the wrong ones.

I can't find the right ones.

I'm looking, though. I feel like the time is right not to achieve my goals in life, but at least to find out what they are.

It's ineffable.

It's a project.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's greased lightning.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Suave

Yes. That will be all.

Asia Argento

Here's the most concise Asia Argento biograpghy I could find:

Asia Argento writes stories and novels, directs music videos, documentaries, and feature films, and appears in movies, sometimes with her clothes on.

None of which I care much about, I just like her because she has the sexiest tattoo ever, as you can see in this specially blogsafe edited pic.

Awesome.

I need a new job

I've been looking at houses to rent or buy and the conclusion i've come to is i need a new job. I like my job so it's a shame but it just doesn't pay enough for me to comfortably be able to get my own flat.

I could ask for a raise but it wouldn't be a big one because it's not a high paying industry, for example my boss who was 20 years experience and is the manager of all the company operations only gets paid about £5k more than i do.

So i'm currently accepting job offers, send them on a postcard or with a self addressed envelope to Swinstead for president, PO box 123456.

Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.

Here's to another blurry weekend

I woke up to find this on my arm this morning with no initial recollection of the story behind it. Perhaps that's a sign i drink too much.

Tennis sucks

R-fed and namibia are supposedly the two best tennis players in the world. So why then can they not even get a decent rally going? This is such a shit game to watch.

Hour and a half to go

Oh i've been working all week i'm tired.
Yea i've been working all week and i'm
just livin for the weekend.

Hey hey.
Got some money i just got paid.
Got some money and i can't wait.
At six o'clock i'm out of here.

Out there tonight is the night of my last got my name on.
Run down the street adidas on my feet, i'm on fire.

Working all the time.
Work is such a bind.
Got some money to spend.
Livin for the weekend.

When it gets too much i live for the rush.
Got some money to spend.
Livin for the weekend.

Oh man!
Yea i've been workin all week i'm shot.
Yea i've been workin all week for what?
Just livin for the weekend.
Ah shit!

The Swinkle Cycle

As I have a habit of doing, I've been spending time recently analysing every aspect of my life.

This is partly because I have nothing better to do but moreover because I just think too much. You wouldn't think the latter to be true - largely because the things I usually think about are if I had a miner bird I'd train it to say 'sorry, it was me' every time I farted, not the most intellectual of meandering thought trains - but nontheless I've been thinkign and have realised that my social life is in a constantly progressing cycle.

The cycle starts at ... well, it doesn't start anywhere, it's a cycle, it goes around and around. Who knows which bit comes first?

Let's for argument's sake say that it starts with me in a relationship. This is phase 1 of the cycle. Now I'm not married yet so obviously every relationship I've been in has ended, for whatever reason. So phase 1 is when the relationship ends.

Phase 2. So then I'm single. Usually during this phase I'm still sleeping with my ex for a while. In fact this has happened with every ex girlfriend so far, but sooner or later I get sick of them or vice versa, or both, and we part ways for good.

So then I start seeing friends again. And I start going out again. And I start drinking. This is phase 3. I usually go off the rails at this point, getting drunk all 3 days of every weekend, and during the week too. I get carried away with going out having fun. I end up making a complete tit of myself by coming onto girls in the most pissed up undignified way ever. I'm still fresh from the relationship and I don't want an new girl anyway, the only reason I'm doing it is because I can!

In phase 3 I usually weite very open, honest blogs about my life ;)

Until phase 4. During phase 4, after coming onto lots of girls just because I can, it doesn't take long before I actually end up with one. Then for an ineffably stupid reason I end up going out with said girl even though I don't want to yet.

Phase 5. "The Girlfriend". I lose contact with my friends because I take my relationship too seriously and ignore everything else. I don't go out. I don't have fun. I get miserable. We break up.

Phase 6. See phase 1.

I'm currently in phase 3. I like phase 3. Phase 3 is the best one.

I feel great

Most people, most of the time update most of their blogs, mostly about negative things. People complain a lot on blogs. They whine and they rant and they bitch. I am breaking the mould by posting for no reason other than to say how happy i am at the moment. Me myself and I just had a really great weekend. And i'm happy. That will be all :)

This is Mansfield

That will be all.

My new running shoes rock

I got my new trainers for my birthday.

They’re Adidas Gazelles and not only do they look great but they’re sooo comfy. I’m using them to go to the gym in which is something I’m going to do a lot more now.

See more progress on: buy a decent pair of running shoes

Cockroaches vs Slugs

In terms of survival; the cockroach is said to be able to withstand anything from being stood on, to a nuclear blast and the ensuing fallout. A slug, in contrast, is killed by a few sprinkles of good old sodium chloride. How on earth did this bizarre weakness evolve? A lethal susceptibility to such a common compound surely cannot be good for the species. Cockroaches take the lead, for now at least.

To the weekend that came and went

Goodbye weekend, i'll miss you. See you again in 5 days!

Euro 2008

As most of you know, Euro 2008 kicks off today. And of course most of you also know the England failed to qualify for the tournament.

While searching for a reason people might watch the tournament, the BBC have decided to encourage following another country by emblazoning the trailer for their coverage with the tagline "Who will you support?".

Perhaps it's this which has led to what seems to be a battle for supporting the biggest underdog.

Every person I talk to spouts off some semi-obscure country that they have "got money on" to win it, and then goes on to defend them when I answer with "Those guys? really??". It appears that the worse the country you lend your support to, and the more vehemently you call out "no they're really strong this year", then the cooler it makes you.

I mean think about it, have you heard many people saying they're betting on a team that might actually win it?

Personally I'm foregoing the pretentious desire to be seen as an amateur pundit and sticking with sensible teams to predict as winners,so here's what I reckon. World Champions Italy will certainly be looking to get the European title too. France are of course an extremely strong team, and we can't forget Germany after how well they surprised everyone in The World Cup (though course that could have been a host-nation fluke). Spain look set to do well too.

But that's just me and I know bugger all.

Somebody told me they were supporting Holland. Try The Netherlands, Holland doesn't exist as an entry in Euro 2008. Get a Geography lesson.

Beat it

Alien Ant Farm are much better at doing Michael Jackson covers than Fall Out Boy. And John Mayer just can't compete with EVH on the solo.

An ode to JonP

He plays guitar all day long,
and sits in on his playstation,
he doesn't look a thing like jesus,
but he does look like his sister.


Thanks, I'm here all week.

The Apprentice is hotting up!

I wonder how many blog posts get titled "Another day, another dollar" every Monday morning. Today, however is different because it's a bank holiday week so we all get to whine about being back to work a day later than usual. Yay!

As if that weren't enough to throw off my weekly clock, to make matters worse this weeks Apprentice is tonight, Tuesday, rather than the usual Wednesday - so instead of having to wait for midweek I'll see it on the first day of work. It'll be weird.

I am nontheless looking forward to it, things are really starting to hot up in the house as the numbers dwindle. Let's take a look at who's left - because yes, I really do have that much spare time at work.

Helene Speight
Ugly butch woman, who likes to have a go at Lucinda. Hasn't thus far been spotted doing much else, in fact. At some point as a baby her parents misspelled her name Helen on something-or-other official and she's been stuck with it ever since.

Michael Sophocles
Annoying whiny faux jewish boy. Kiss-ass to Alan Sugar who should've been fired after getting a Muslin market seller to bless a chicken to make it kosher.

Them two are mostly useless.

Lucinda Ledgerwood
Hippy nutjob who likes to wear berets and other equally ridiculous clothing. Good at bossing folk around but doesn't do much herself. Too old.

Claire Young
Gobby. Rude. Fat. But oddly likable. Apparently nicknamed Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants. I thought it was more because of her face, to be fair.

Alex Wotherspoon
One of the favourites to win, Alex has ended up in the boardroom a copious amount of times desptie having never really cocked up yet. Needs a hair cut.

Lee McQueen
My personal favourite to win, Lee is a cockney legend who likes to refer to himself in third person. Famous quotes include "Lee McQueen is fucking concerned!" and "I'm buzzing...let's go sell some more knickers!"

The smart money is on Claire or Alex I think. I'd bet a tenner with anyone who'd take me up on it that Michael gets fired tonight.

And in the meantime I've got bugger all else to do but sit here at my desk bored...

The aftermath

Getting my nose broken is not much fun. Spending my birthday in A&E isn't either. Currently in vast amounts of pain.

ouch

Shoulda seen the other guy

I save lives

Girl music

They may be a girly band who make girly music. For girls. But nontheless I'm currently finding The Ting Tings incredibly catchy. I liked 2007s Fruit Machine, the last single Great DJ was really good and the new one That's Not My Name I like even more.

And talking about them gives me a great excuse to post this picture of the lovely singer Katie.

Why democracy will always fail

I'm not a capitalist, I'm not a communist, I'm not a facist, I'm not a socialist, and I'm certainly not an anarchist.

When it comes to social ideologies, democracy would at first seem to be the lesser of many worse evils. But people, I am here to tell you that it is wrong and I will explain why.

First you must watch this video.



That song, my friends, is the soon-to-be-released single by Scooter, from their current UK number 1 album Jumping All Over The World.

Now Scooter's album has reached number 1, we know that the system has failed. The common vote can no longer be trusted.

Denounce democracy today, we must act now to stop further attrocities!

24 rocks

Yesterday I suddenly realised I have 3 entire box-sets of 24 unwatched! So my Sunday was spent in the excellent company of Mr Jack Bauer, saving the world, one hour at a time.

I'm sucked in now. The next week or so of my life will be spent fighting international terrorism and maintaining national security. This time next week I will have convinced myself I'm a total badass just like Jack.

Apologies in advance to anyone I shoot.

Waterslides at barbecues aren't much fun at all are they

Why I loved Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I was at the cinema last night watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I loved it, and do you wanna know why?

Was it the excellent acting from Jason Segel? The brilliant comedy from Russel Brand? The perfect balance of humour and sentimentality? The great script from Segel?

No mate, it was none of them. One word: Kristin Bell




But that's not all there was also the equally lovely Mila Kunis.




I spent most of the film struggling to decide which one I wanted to have sex with more, until I realised I was overlooking the totally obvious answer - threesome!

Hot girls - I need to know more!

Right ladies listen up 'cos I've had about enough of this.

When I'm looking at your facebook profile, it's because I saw your photo and decided I wanna sex you, or at least that I needed to see more and bigger photos to decide I wanna sex you.

But know that I am not the shallow man most take me for. I am, contrary to popular belief, a caring and sensitive individual, who ALWAYS has sex with women for their personality, not just their titties. Well ladies I can't be judging you on your personality, or lack thereof, when your facebook says "oh hell if you're reading this you already know me".

No I don't fucking already know you! It's fucking facebook!

And the even worse ones are the ones that say "Just ask me whatever you want to know"

Well what I want to fucking know, the million dollar question I would like to ask you, is what you would put on a facebook profile if you were to sum yourself up as briefly as possible. CAN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU FUCKING CUNT?

And in conclusion - sorry ladies but you just talked yourself out of my sex.

But you were probably minging anyway.

Bank holiday

Bank holiday weekend was great. Another one soon? Yes please

Up and Downs

My beloved Stags are no longer a league football team - boo!

My boss is off for the next fortnight so I'm in charge - woot!

It's only 6 days after payday and I've got £0.30 in my bank - boo!

It's summer all of a sudden - woot!

boowootboowoot

No money.... Aaarghh!

I can't draw my wages out from the bank because i've not used my card for so long that i've forgotten my PIN. It's going to take the bank 5 working days to get my new PIN to me through the post. GAY!

Cabin Fever

I'm not talking about the awful Horror film from a few years ago when I say Cabin Fever is shit

I've been mostly unable to go out all month due to severe funding problems. At long last, tomorrow those problems will be solved for another month. Or more likely, just for a few days until I blow all my wages on junk and being disorderly.

Through circumstances that still baffle me somewhat I seem to have found myself pretty much homeless. Not only is this odd in itself, but even odder is that this is becoming a fairly regular state for me.

Now, the two paragraphs above seem to go well together. I'm now homeless, and I'm also about to get paid.

2 + 2 = ?

That's right kiddies, Swinstead is looking to rent himself a new place to live. I can just about afford to rent a place to myself but I'd be eternally skint so I'm in the market for a housemate. So is anyone ready to fly from under the wing of their parents? Or perhaps anyone just graduating uni and needing their own place? Or even anyone living with a prick at the moment and wanting to move?

Answers on a postcard!

The idea of this post was that after briefly mentioning my housemate search, I would meander back onto the primary topic of the blog. Having completed stage 1 of the plan I now have the problem of having forgotten the primary topic of the blog - henceforth to be known as the PTOB.

I'm still without my driving license for 8 months and it's not starting to get to me. I may have gone crazy before the ban runs out.

Last week I had the luckiest bag of skittles ever. All matched. You know.

Priest vanishes on helium based adventure

In the news today, Brazillian RC priest Father Adelir de Carli has vanished offshore in an attempt to break the world record for longest helium filled balloon flight.

He filled up hundreds of balloons with ACME helium and set off for the skies. Crowds say it was a miraculous sight to behold as Father de Carli floated towards his employer, not knowing at the time that he was never to be seen again.

Father Carli sent radio messages to say that he was losing height late on Sunday and by this morning - Wednesday - a rescue operation had instantly jumped into action.

As well as his GPS and satellite phone, he was equipped with a buoyant chair and a scuba-tank propelled underwater jet pack. He is also an experienced skydiver and crocodile tamer.

Planes and helicopters of the Brazilian air force as well as boats of the Brazilian navy are searching off the coast of Santa Catarina state, where pieces of balloons were found on a beach. The site is said to have resembled a ghost circus.

Searchers had previously swooped in on several outdoor childrens birthday parties looking for Father Carli, having spotted the balloons from above.

Father Carli was hoping to raise money to fund a rest stop for lorry drivers.

The Roman Catholic church has released a statement stating "The Lord works in mysterious ways. As do nutters with helium balloons"

Full story on BBC news...
(My version mostly made up)

This is me doing pensive. It's also me being bored and playing around with a mobile blogging camera phone.

Yes

I lost the game

Sorry guys.

How come wood can get wet, as of course can trees, and not be ruined, but paper - which is essentially just really thin wood - disintegrates when wet?


This and more questions answered next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel!

I am a passenger

Adjusting to life as a passenger makes you realise just how shit a lot of other people's driving is. Except Lizz who's driving I have to be nice about cos she gives me lifts to my mum's house to wash my skidmark inhabited boxers in her kitchen sink. Haha whoops! And of course the other reason I have to be nice about her driving is because it's awesome.

Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

Wednesday nights down Mansfield, now known as legendairy. I'm lactose intolerant though.

I'm on my arse today though, had not much more than 3 hours sleep and I've got a full day at work to get through. Wish me luck.

I shot the Sheriff

I fought the law and the law won.

That's 1-0 so far you bastard boys in blue but soon I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my driving license. And you will know I am Swinstead when I lay my vengeance upon you.

I'll get you next time gadget!

So fuck, yeah, I can't drive for 9 months. Bloody good job, then, that I just got a 360 and Stu just got a PS3, I'm gonna need them to get me through these long months staying at home. Along with The Apprentice which is BACK!

Wellington Flinging - how and why did that start up?

That's all folks.