As these blogs are becoming quite routinely one-per-month, it seems fitting to name them after their months. That, and I'm far too lazy to attempt a witty blog title.
It wouldn't be funny, anyway.
Today has been valentines day. I am, as most of men in the UK, one of the growing crowd of people painfully aware that it's a bullshit holiday created by the greeting card industry. Nonetheless we're stuck going along with it until we can get the ladies on board with the rebellion.
Last weekend, in comparison, I shook off the femininity of my house to go watch the Stags-Gateshead game. Watching a football game feels so manly. The testosterone flowed so strongly that I walked out with a rather long beard that wasn't there as I entered.
For the last month I have had Fridays off work, for no reason other than I had some holidays to use up. While I do enjoy my job, to varying degrees depending on which way the wind blows, the regular time to myself has given me the perfect chance to brush up on my nunchaku, which has recently proven extremely useful. Not to go into too much detail on here - as it's public - but suffice to say when an intruder broke in the other night we didn't need Dogbot to defend the place.
Alas I have no more Fridays off so the black belt will just have to wait. Also, I'm going to be a bit preoccupied for a while, as I've got to find some time to create a website about stuffing bears....
Saturday, February 6
Saturday, January 2
Of new years and new starts, and as many other cliches as I can squeeze into a blog post
Here I am once again starting a blog with the thought "I should do this more often". I seem to have averaged out about a blog a month over the latter half of 2009 and I would love to say that blogging more is going to be one of my new years resolutions.
I would love to say it, but I can't. Because it won't.
Truth be told, I'm don't have any new years resolutions, and that's not completely because I'm not a tool, it's also because... well, ok, it's just because I'm not a tool.
As for 2009 in hindsight, it was very much a year of two halves. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness... Wait - what the Dickens am I on about?
At the top end of 2009 I was still banned from driving, I was jobless and skint, miserably single, and still living with my parents, one of whom was seriously ill and didn't have long left to live. Obviously this was all a bit shit to be honest, so the year didn't start so well and it took a big turn for the worse when Mum died in February and I hit rock bottom.
But don't worry cause this blog post isn't all doom and gloom. Y'see, after that things started to look up. I mean, sure, my Mum had just died and I was feeling pretty shit about that but the show must go on, so I started to patch my life back together.
Now, fast forward 12 months and things have changed. I got my driving licence back ages ago now, and I have a job - and a good one at that, one I'm very happy in, and I have my own house, where I live with my wonderful girlfriend Hayley (and the DogBot) and things are looking pretty good right now, to be honest. Oh, and I now rock at solving a Rubik's cube.
Nonetheless I'm not satisfied with things yet. Sure, I've got it pretty neato at the moment, but things can always be better and that's what I'm going to make sure happens in 2010.
Targets for 2010 (note: I said targets, not resolutions):
Night kids.
La gra go deo. Or something.
I would love to say it, but I can't. Because it won't.
Truth be told, I'm don't have any new years resolutions, and that's not completely because I'm not a tool, it's also because... well, ok, it's just because I'm not a tool.
As for 2009 in hindsight, it was very much a year of two halves. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness... Wait - what the Dickens am I on about?
At the top end of 2009 I was still banned from driving, I was jobless and skint, miserably single, and still living with my parents, one of whom was seriously ill and didn't have long left to live. Obviously this was all a bit shit to be honest, so the year didn't start so well and it took a big turn for the worse when Mum died in February and I hit rock bottom.
But don't worry cause this blog post isn't all doom and gloom. Y'see, after that things started to look up. I mean, sure, my Mum had just died and I was feeling pretty shit about that but the show must go on, so I started to patch my life back together.
Now, fast forward 12 months and things have changed. I got my driving licence back ages ago now, and I have a job - and a good one at that, one I'm very happy in, and I have my own house, where I live with my wonderful girlfriend Hayley (and the DogBot) and things are looking pretty good right now, to be honest. Oh, and I now rock at solving a Rubik's cube.
Nonetheless I'm not satisfied with things yet. Sure, I've got it pretty neato at the moment, but things can always be better and that's what I'm going to make sure happens in 2010.
Targets for 2010 (note: I said targets, not resolutions):
- Hayley and I are looking to stop wasting money on renting this house, and buy somewhere instead. And we're hoping to get a newbuild which would be awesome.
- I'm looking forward to getting a new car in the fairly-near future. My old Escort Estate is on its last legs so I'm really ready for an upgrade. I've been looking at new cars as recently as yesterday and I've aranged to go view/test drive one next week so watch this space!
- Get my 1-years no claims bonus on my car insurance so I don't have to keep paying ridiculous amounts of money for insurance.
- To again attempt what I miserably failed at last year, training for and running the Mansfield Half Marathon in June
Night kids.
La gra go deo. Or something.
Friday, November 13
Friday 13th
Today I have realised that you don't have to believe in something for it to affect you. Just as nutjobs who don't believe in evolution did, nontheless, evolve from primates, whether they like it or not; Likewise, I have been smited by the wrath of Friday 13th today, regardless of not beliving in superstitions.
I shall, however, be looking to improve the day's events from here on in, starting with high levels of productivity at work, leading to a clear run on the drive home, culminating happily in a Crown Street bash.
So wish me luck, my friends, as I head into the unknown void that is the remainder of Friday the 13th. I take with me a sword of silver and a vial of the holiest water available (Volvic), with my valiant steed I ride (my Ford Escort Estate) to fight the dark paths that lay ahead.
I shall, however, be looking to improve the day's events from here on in, starting with high levels of productivity at work, leading to a clear run on the drive home, culminating happily in a Crown Street bash.
So wish me luck, my friends, as I head into the unknown void that is the remainder of Friday the 13th. I take with me a sword of silver and a vial of the holiest water available (Volvic), with my valiant steed I ride (my Ford Escort Estate) to fight the dark paths that lay ahead.
Friday, October 2
You know you're tired when...
You know you're tired when you see the headline A Billionaire Clowns Around In Space and you get excited because you think it says "Billionaire Clowns In Space".
You know you're even more tired when you start to think to yourself "but, how would they juggle..." before you realise you've misread it, and the whole mental adventure was one big anticlimax.
Speaking of anti-climaxes, the Forza 3 demo that I've been awaiting for months, was decidedly pants. The graphics and gameplay were great, but come on, 5 cars and 1 track? LAME!
Why is it that when somebody offers the whole office a drink, and they take your mug away to make you one (alone with others), they always seem to bring you a drink back in an entirely different mug?
--
.... Well, at least they could never fall off the tightrope...
You know you're even more tired when you start to think to yourself "but, how would they juggle..." before you realise you've misread it, and the whole mental adventure was one big anticlimax.
Speaking of anti-climaxes, the Forza 3 demo that I've been awaiting for months, was decidedly pants. The graphics and gameplay were great, but come on, 5 cars and 1 track? LAME!
Why is it that when somebody offers the whole office a drink, and they take your mug away to make you one (alone with others), they always seem to bring you a drink back in an entirely different mug?
--
.... Well, at least they could never fall off the tightrope...
Thursday, September 24
Of new beginnings and time between
My life has taken a move rather toward the better recently. I now no longer work at a major Anti-Virus company and as of Monday I start my new job as Operations Manager for a high-growth online retailer. My excitement dwindled, however, when I learnt that "Operations Manager" does not mean "surgeon". Rats!
Meanwhile I have no work to go to tomorrow and will enjoy a day off. Unfortunately, due to me not being a homeless bum all my friends will be at work so I'll have nobody to play with. If you have no plans tomorrow and would like to offer to be my play friend, please apply within!
To celebrate not having to be up early tomorrow Stuart and I and myself and Stuart have been out for a random drive. From the Wuthering Heights of Newark to the Sunny Side of Ripley, on to the Delightful Dales of Derbyshire, we've had adventures including, but of course not limited to, visiting the home of Amber FM, running over rabbits, racing Clios past fatal RTAs, getting pulled over by the pigs, and driving up the biggest and longest hill in the UNIVERSE.
Now I'm signing off, as downstairs I have pumpkin bread (courtesy of Stuart), chocolate cake (courtesy of Rhiannon), and mince pies (courtesy of Tesco), all waiting to be munched upon.
Meanwhile I have no work to go to tomorrow and will enjoy a day off. Unfortunately, due to me not being a homeless bum all my friends will be at work so I'll have nobody to play with. If you have no plans tomorrow and would like to offer to be my play friend, please apply within!
To celebrate not having to be up early tomorrow Stuart and I and myself and Stuart have been out for a random drive. From the Wuthering Heights of Newark to the Sunny Side of Ripley, on to the Delightful Dales of Derbyshire, we've had adventures including, but of course not limited to, visiting the home of Amber FM, running over rabbits, racing Clios past fatal RTAs, getting pulled over by the pigs, and driving up the biggest and longest hill in the UNIVERSE.
Now I'm signing off, as downstairs I have pumpkin bread (courtesy of Stuart), chocolate cake (courtesy of Rhiannon), and mince pies (courtesy of Tesco), all waiting to be munched upon.
Tuesday, August 4
Right, where was I?
January. It was January 2nd when I got my driving licence back, after 9 long, hard months spent on foot or behind the handlebars of a GT Aggressor, while serving a driving ban.
That's right kids, I fought the law and the law won.
So I learnt my lesson. Or did I?
June. It was June 13th that I lost my temper for the first time in a few years and ended up committing the assault that, inevitably, led to a 100-hour community service order.
So come see me, Sunday morning at a public park near you. I'll be the guy wearing a yellow carnation, a top hat, and a "community payback" hi-viz. Be there or be square!
Anyway, aside from my underground criminal activities by night, as you all know I'm a mild mannered office worker by day. Inbetween the two I come home to Hayley and Dogbot, usually to find one of them making a mess in the kitchen and the other one licking their own body parts, and, to be honest, which one is which varies every day.
I should probably be upstairs in bed, to be honest I only came downstairs to check out a noise in my pajamas. What a stray noise was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know!
In a few weeks when I've got through this month of mega bills, I am going to begin living the dream. My life will never be quite the same again, after it undergoes the transformation. That's right, no longer will I be David Swinstead, Loser.... from then onwards I will become, David swinstead... Guy With A Bar In His Cellar!
That's a really bad name for a superhero.
That's right kids, I fought the law and the law won.
So I learnt my lesson. Or did I?
June. It was June 13th that I lost my temper for the first time in a few years and ended up committing the assault that, inevitably, led to a 100-hour community service order.
So come see me, Sunday morning at a public park near you. I'll be the guy wearing a yellow carnation, a top hat, and a "community payback" hi-viz. Be there or be square!
Anyway, aside from my underground criminal activities by night, as you all know I'm a mild mannered office worker by day. Inbetween the two I come home to Hayley and Dogbot, usually to find one of them making a mess in the kitchen and the other one licking their own body parts, and, to be honest, which one is which varies every day.
I should probably be upstairs in bed, to be honest I only came downstairs to check out a noise in my pajamas. What a stray noise was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know!
In a few weeks when I've got through this month of mega bills, I am going to begin living the dream. My life will never be quite the same again, after it undergoes the transformation. That's right, no longer will I be David Swinstead, Loser.... from then onwards I will become, David swinstead... Guy With A Bar In His Cellar!
That's a really bad name for a superhero.
Friday, June 12
Friday, June 5
Of lazy weekends, only part through necessity
While my first half of 2009 was distinctly sub par, it has definitely started picking up in time for the mid point.
Things that have changed since the beginning of the year: I can drive again. I have a job. I am no longer in huge amounts of debt (barely any at all in fact, as of today). I have a great girlfriend.
Swinstead is dead. Long live Swinstead.
Tuesday, May 26
Of all things
A week ago I started my new job. It's in Newark which means a bit of a trek every day but at least I get to spend 45 minutes in a morning going over my top 25 favourite x-men. In the evenings as I drive home I like to ponder how I would escape from the jaws of a blood-crazed shark... Which is really a waste of time because OBVIOUSLY I would just use my ninja karate judo madskills.
While getting up early in the mornings is going to take some getting used to, it is certainly a refreshing change to once again have a reason to wear trousers at some point during each day. I will, however, miss the ability to put in some hardcore xbox hours with no more pressing obligations.
In other news, Dogbot and I had fun at the park today.
Wednesday, April 29
The most fun you can eat for 45p
Most recently I have spent my days:
- Being mauled in my sleep by an over-friendly labrador and a hyper staffy.
- Putting in some hours in the vain hope of finally seeing an Xbox game through to completion.
- Avoiding college work, in an attempt to continue my life long habit as a filthy dropout.
- Hunting around ASDA for cheap bread produce, failing, and instead attempting to get the best possible use out of 45p.
Tuesday, April 7
Trebuchet
Saturday, April 4
Dammit
Why is nobody ever around to see it when the really cool stuff happens to me? I have to tell people and it's just not the same!
Tuesday, March 31
Get sweded
Ida Maria, it turns out, is really pretty strange looking. But it's ok, we'll her off, because she has 2 first names.
Today I am currently sheeping my way down the motorway, being unique, same as everybody else.
Why is rising damp treatment made to look like a remarkably futuristic phallus? In 30 years girls will be buying this stuff from Anne Summers and trying to figure out where to put the batteries.
Wednesday, March 25
Green Fingers
I bought some seeds for cabbage, broccoli, carrots, lettuce and tomatoes. Then I raked and sieved soil into seed trays. Then I added miracle gro and water.
Fast-forward 3 months and I will have stacks of free food. Awesomes.
In other news, I went into college today and spoke with my course co-ordinator V. That's not me using a codeword to hide her identity or anything, she really goes by the name V. So anyway it turns out I can still be at college despite not having turned up since before Christmas and having missed a few deadlines, which is great so now I have to get my arse into gear and catch up with some work.
In other other news, tonight I shall be spending some time in the company of Jack Bauer. I missed you Jack, sorry I've been away from you for so long.
Kit Kats rock.
Fast-forward 3 months and I will have stacks of free food. Awesomes.
In other news, I went into college today and spoke with my course co-ordinator V. That's not me using a codeword to hide her identity or anything, she really goes by the name V. So anyway it turns out I can still be at college despite not having turned up since before Christmas and having missed a few deadlines, which is great so now I have to get my arse into gear and catch up with some work.
In other other news, tonight I shall be spending some time in the company of Jack Bauer. I missed you Jack, sorry I've been away from you for so long.
Kit Kats rock.
Monday, February 23
Somtimes you have to make it happen yourself
A man is at home one day when he hears on the radio a warning of torrential rain, which will cause horrendous floods like never seen before. The town is evacuated but when they come to escort him away the man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods".
The next day the water is 3 feet deep all across town and a neighbour comes to the man's house in a boat and says "Hey Buddy, come with me in my boat and be safe."
The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the neighbour shrugs and sails on by.
The next day the flood water is 5 feet deep and the man is almost drowning, when a rescue helicopter flies overhead and a voice shouts down to him "Sir, let us throw down a ladder for you, come with us and be safe"
The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the helicopter pilot shrugs and they fly away.
The next day when the man has drowned and is in heaven he says to God "Lord, did I not love you enough? Did I not lead my life well enough for you? Why didn't you save me?"
The Lord shakes his head at the man and says "I sent you a warning message, a boat and a helicopter, what exactly were you waiting for my child?"
--
Sometimes you have to make it happen yourself.
The next day the water is 3 feet deep all across town and a neighbour comes to the man's house in a boat and says "Hey Buddy, come with me in my boat and be safe."
The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the neighbour shrugs and sails on by.
The next day the flood water is 5 feet deep and the man is almost drowning, when a rescue helicopter flies overhead and a voice shouts down to him "Sir, let us throw down a ladder for you, come with us and be safe"
The man says "I am a religious man and my God loves me, he will save me from the floods", so the helicopter pilot shrugs and they fly away.
The next day when the man has drowned and is in heaven he says to God "Lord, did I not love you enough? Did I not lead my life well enough for you? Why didn't you save me?"
The Lord shakes his head at the man and says "I sent you a warning message, a boat and a helicopter, what exactly were you waiting for my child?"
--
Sometimes you have to make it happen yourself.
Friday, February 20
Think you'll find it's spelled 'Zarah'
My dad, doing a crossword: what's a name for a Tsar's wife?
Me: Tsarah?
Me: Tsarah?
Ok, even smart people say stupid things sometimes...
Watching BBC3...
A program called "Vodka, Homework and Me" (sic). Thinking that somebody, somewhere, sits in a dark room actually being paid to think up this shit.
So much for getting some sleep tonight.
So much for getting some sleep tonight.
Thursday, February 19
How Dickens got me more than I'd bargained for.
I haven't been sleeping at all recently - I'm currently operating on about 7 hours sleeping over the past 4 nights put together. That isn't really part of the story but it explains how it started, with me being on Facebook at 7:00am for no good reason.
I was reading this note (which you may not be able to see depending on your network, I think) about the BBC's list of the nation's favourite 100 books. They predict that most people will only have read 6 of them. Well of course, I'm not most people; nay, I'm a superintellectual who does nothing but read posh leather-bound books all day, so of course I'd read more than 6 of them. I'd read 7 of them :)
I decided that this simply would not do, which explains how I found myself sat at the back of Mansfield Public Library at 8:00am getting stuck into a copy of David Copperfield, just quietly minding my own business as you do, when a woman approached me declaring herself to be a local councillor who was there to talk with people about the plans for the Library.
I agreed to talk to them but then she said what she really wanted was for a library user (that being me) to take part in a photoshoot with a photographer from the Chad (and also another photographer who I assume was from the council). Next thing I know I'm shaking hands and fake-smiling my way through what seemed like an endless stream of photos with various local councillors, library staff members, and an arbitrarily placed small child.
After signing away all rights to my image being used, along with a million-pound picture deal, I do believe I just became the face of promotional material for the new library.
My life is weird!
I was reading this note (which you may not be able to see depending on your network, I think) about the BBC's list of the nation's favourite 100 books. They predict that most people will only have read 6 of them. Well of course, I'm not most people; nay, I'm a superintellectual who does nothing but read posh leather-bound books all day, so of course I'd read more than 6 of them. I'd read 7 of them :)
I decided that this simply would not do, which explains how I found myself sat at the back of Mansfield Public Library at 8:00am getting stuck into a copy of David Copperfield, just quietly minding my own business as you do, when a woman approached me declaring herself to be a local councillor who was there to talk with people about the plans for the Library.
I agreed to talk to them but then she said what she really wanted was for a library user (that being me) to take part in a photoshoot with a photographer from the Chad (and also another photographer who I assume was from the council). Next thing I know I'm shaking hands and fake-smiling my way through what seemed like an endless stream of photos with various local councillors, library staff members, and an arbitrarily placed small child.
After signing away all rights to my image being used, along with a million-pound picture deal, I do believe I just became the face of promotional material for the new library.
My life is weird!
Wednesday, February 11
Micro-Gallery v0.1
A couple of days ago I got asked by an employment agency about whether I had any online portfolio work they could see. Well, there are a couple of sites I've been working on recently, but everything decent I've made in the past is now offline for one reason or another: So I decided I need to knock up something new to show off what I can do.
The result: Micro Gallery v0.1! A PHP dynamic picture gallery script.
The idea was that I wanted to create a gallery script that, unlike the much more mature applications available online, was entirely self-contained within one PHP file. The result is a gallery.php that can be dropped into any images folder and will do everything itself with no need for installation or configuration whatsoever - and importantly, no need for any database! Even the background image is generated on-the-fly by a little GD script!
Aesthetically it's not much to look at, but this was more of an exercise in PHP and AJAX than in design work.
Most folks reading this will be entirely unimpressed by that, but perhaps a few of the geeks among you will think it's pretty cool.
The result: Micro Gallery v0.1! A PHP dynamic picture gallery script.
The idea was that I wanted to create a gallery script that, unlike the much more mature applications available online, was entirely self-contained within one PHP file. The result is a gallery.php that can be dropped into any images folder and will do everything itself with no need for installation or configuration whatsoever - and importantly, no need for any database! Even the background image is generated on-the-fly by a little GD script!
Aesthetically it's not much to look at, but this was more of an exercise in PHP and AJAX than in design work.
Most folks reading this will be entirely unimpressed by that, but perhaps a few of the geeks among you will think it's pretty cool.
25 things about me
Do you want to know 25 facts about me?
No, didn't think so.
I don't want to know them about you either, what makes you think I do? Shoo!
No, didn't think so.
I don't want to know them about you either, what makes you think I do? Shoo!
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